Wednesday
Because I am trying to fund a small revolution that would give Calendar City a permanent spot in this paper, I decided to sell personal ads throughout this week’s issue.
Unfortunately, I only had enough money to pay, um, a different type of crowd for personals...so, yeah, um, sorry? Or, uh, I mean...enjoy them:
FLORIDA/ANYWHERE
Hi! I’m a fun guy! I hope you’re looking for a fun guy cuz that’s me! I’m so much fun! Fun is what I’ll be with you when you and me is datin’ and hatin’ and irrigatin’.
Did I mention I like to have a good time? Cuz I do! I’m a S/M lookin for a S/F who’s lookin’ for a S/M like me! I’m a fun guy! Call me for a good time!
HERE/THERE/ANYWHERE
I do not like these personal ads.
They make dating seem like seasonal fads.
I like to date, yes it’s true.
Could I date someone like you?
If you like me, that’d be nice.
But if you can only stand me, that’d suffice.
I’ll try my darndest to be kind.
If I borrow a VHS, I promise to rewind.
Thursday
MOBILE, ALABAMA
I live by a river! I love the water! Want somebody to spend time with down by the river? Want somebody to shoot fish with down by the river? Want somebody to make a mud pie with down by the river? Want somebody who can’t drown so we can spend lots of time down by the river and you won’t turn into all the other friends I’ve had who just lie around all day never moving? We could be friends! Call me!
PREPOSITION, SENTENCE
And! At! Of! In! On! About! Behind! From! Toward! I love prepositions! Do you love them, too? Except! Between! Let’s make babies WITH each other! Outside!
Friday
GALLAGHER STUDENT CENTER/ CINCINNATI, OHIO
I am named after sun beams because I was born in California and give off a giant ray of sunshine wherever I go. You’ll often see me wearing the same outfits two or three weeks in a row. I like movies, knowing obscure actors or directors you’ve never heard of, showing up in strange places and sleeping in the Clocktower Lounge. Email me.
BUS STOP/ LIBRARY
I can see in seven dimensions. I don’t believe in cellular telephones. I also don’t believe in cars. They don’t exist. They are large fairies that only hit those who do not believe in them. If you stare at them long enough, you’ll see their faces and wings. I also like Chinese food. Yell at me and maybe I’ll answer and maybe we could write letters to each other and yell at cars together.
SUBWAY RESTAURANTS
My name is Jared and I lost a lot of weight. Unfortunately, I also lost my soul to a corporate chain in the process by selling my danky story for millions of dollars. Maybe you could help me find it. I am willing to offer a lot of money because I have a lot of money I didn’t and don’t work work hard at all for. If you cannot help me find my soul, I am willing to negotiate a price for yours.
PLATYPUS ISLAND
I’m a platypus and I like people. Do you like platypi? We could be friends. Send me a Sea-Mail! HA!
Saturday
Because somebody actually formally submitted a specific request to Calendar City. Therefore, I am delighted-nay, honored to simply relay all the information I know: Midwest Masala, the South Asian Fusion Dance Competition will feature seven schools from all around the nation. Tickets are $10 presale and $12 at the door. A full Indian dinner is included in the ticket price. Dinner will start at 5:30 p.m. and the show at 7:30 p.m.
Proceeds from the show will be donated to Saraswati Secondary Schools. To be a part one of the best cultural events, join the group and email southasiansoc@xavier.edu for tickets.
Sunday
STUDIO THEATRE, GSC
Tonight is the last night you can see me at 7:30 p.m. in the Studio Theatre at the GSC. I’ll be in the audience of “Voices for Change.” I’ll be laughing. I’ll be crying. Most importantly, I’ll be learning. If you like live student-written and performed theatre that has deep meaning behind it, make sure you come either tonight, yesterday or the day before. We can bond...
Monday
THE BEACH/ U.S.A! U.S.A!
Dudes and dudettes, I just like loooooooooove the beach. I also support the U.S.A. Wanna get some sun and talk about how we rock? I’m your dude. You can be my dudette. And bro, I’m totally cool with like two dudes wanting to haaaaang. Like, whaaaaaatever maaaaaaan.
[If you’d like to submit a personal ad to Calendar City, I’d be more than happy to publish it next week. Just email me! There’s a solid 99 percent chance I’ll publish it! Free!]
Tuesday
CINCINNATI, OHIO
Willing to relocate anywhere but home with my parents. Willing to relocate with your parents, though. Mine just make me do the dishes. My name does not sound like Rats Mix Streeversun. I like writing. About me. I like talking. About me. I mostly like writing. I don’t like to laugh because I do not have a sense of humor. I have never laughed in my life. No, once I saw an old lady fall. I chuckled, but did not laugh.
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: Kathryn Rosenbaum
Editor-in-Chief Nathan Sergio
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
