Wednesday
Me so tuiered o’ guud grahmmah n punk’d-chu-ashon.
nO Mo’!
I’s nottt gone-ah be guud wit-tha graaaaammmmmaaaaaaaah N.E.More.
apRiL foolz iz comeeng up..!.~sos~Imagonnaquit b-ing so guuuud @ gramur.
!no! Th*z iZ !not! a ref-ah-rence to Jar Jar Binks. I-ve ### actshuallee nevah sin thate move EEEEH!
Thiiisah iiiiisah ubnuckshucks.
(((SLAP)))
OK. I’m done with that. That was too hard. I’m too prim and proper to keep that going even an entire column. I apologize from the bottom 18 percent of my heart.
Thursday
The other 80 percent of my heart will be attending the Colleges Against Cancer in Alter 201.
The other 1.25 percent of my heart will be stuck waiting for Jake Gyllenhaal to call me back after our wonderful, romantic, incredible, amazing, dreamy, out-of-this-world experience last weekend.
The final .75 percent of my heart is wishing I didn’t cut it into so many useless percentages all the time.
Friday
Has anybody else seen that giant puddle at the edge of the big Zumbiel construction site on Cleneay? Was anybody else thinking what I was thinking? Get the cast of “The Golden Girls” to fight the cast of “Designing Women” for the ultimate prize of David Hasselhoff.
Actually, I’ll keep David Hasselhoff to myself. I’ll give you Alex Trebek.
David and I will spend today snuggling and sipping on bubbly champagne and watching our dear studly men’s basketball team play in their Sweet Sixteen sensational match up.
Whew, that was an exhausting amount of adjectives. I’m spent...
Saturday
The other day, I was surfing the web to get my daily exercise as I ate a delicious Wendy’s Frosty, and I decided to wander to this particularly shady site.
No, there was nothing inappropriate or disgusting going on...I just wasn’t sure if this site was a scam or not.
I guess if you’re ever not sure if something is a scam, you should assume it is and stay away.
I, however, was not blessed with superior intellect so I have to learn the hard way...by tasting it and hoping it’s not poison.
Anyway, I very quickly and easily figured out that the site was a big scam and was ready to leave. I did what any person would do when they try to leave a web site...
First thing I did was called my mommy and cried and asked for Clowny my clown comfort toy to hold and shook hysterically until they drove here from home and held me until I fell asleep.
Next, I tried clicking the red “X” in the corner...and it popped up another box that asked me, “Are you sure you want to exit this site?” When I clicked the red “X” in that corner, it brought up yet another box that said, “But we really want to ask you a few more questions!”
All those boxes scared me! I just wanted to leave that web site! At least Don’t Tell Anna will be having a show tonight at 9 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium to keep me sane.
Sunday
If we were doing numerology on today’s date we would start with numerologizing the numbers into three (for March), three, and nine.
Next, we add them all together. So, 3+2+9=5. Five stands for action, adventure or restlessness. Which means, if you want to learn more about numerology today, you’ll have plenty of anxious energy to look this up on your own!
Now, by other numerological standards, you would take the word March and look at each letter based on its place in the alphabet and you would assign those letters numbers and blah blah blah I want to hear more about myself through numbers blah blah blah blah blah. Blah.
Monday
Today is the last day of March...which means three and only three things.
One: We have passed, missed and successfully survived the Ides of March-a dangerous time for all.
Two: We can officially restart the countdown until Christmas without looking too anxious.
Three: I can soon begin my annual April “Cutest Creature Ever to Exist in the Universe at Least This Year (and Yes I Accept Bribes) Contest!”
Tuesday
Today is a very special day! April Fools!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
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