Wednesday
What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on the bus...
I say this not because that catchy mid-nineties tune is stuck in my head (and now stuck in yours!) but because over the past week many people have reported to me seeing many different look-alikes of famous (and superfamous!) people on campus.
The most notable look-alike recently seen on campus was a man who looked exactly like Jesus.
I am not trying to be blasphemous in any way shape or form (for once). I’m just saying we’ve got a Jesus look-alike on campus and we need to take advantage of it!
If you see the heavenly figure near you, here are some ideas for what to do: 1. Give him a hug! If you’re wrong, you just hugged a stranger and the real Jesus will really appreciate it. If you’re right, you just scored yourself some brownie points. 2. Ask him for riches. If you’re wrong, he may actually be wealthy and give you free money.
If you’re right, he could give you the riches of an incredible afterlife.
Thursday
Now some of you may be thinking to yourself, “But Briana, God comes in all shapes and sizes, you can’t say it could only be one person!” And you’re absolutely right.
In fact, God does change forms quite often. Last time I checked, though, He took the form of a pale, brown-haired, blue/green-eyed girl from Indianapolis with a name that sounded like “Rhianna.”
If you happen to see someone like her, you should buy her a beer tonight at Senior Night at Dana’s beginning at 10 p.m.
Whether she’s God or not, from what I’ve heard, you’ve still got a darn good chance of getting lucky.
Friday
Oh thank goodness we’ve finally reached Friday! This is when the really juicy stuff begins happening on campus! I can finally quit all this mindless babble and talk about the fun and exciting events that are going on this weekend!
Wait a minute.
I’m looking at the schedule and I cannot see one exciting thing going on this weekend.
Guess it’s back to the babble.
So Jesus is not the only celebrity that seems to be making appearances around Xavier University.
According to my sources, whom I always keep anonymous because they’re completely made-up, there have been several sightings of Pee Wee Herman wandering about.
That’s right, the crazy-suited, goofy laughed, high-pitched voice, creepy man himself has been looking for some fun and festivities.
Now, dealing with Pee-wee Herman is very different from dealing with Jesus--assuming you’re dealing with the real thing. Some of you may argue otherwise, but you are a buffoon if you think Pee-wee and Jeebus hang with the same crew.
A buffoon.
Though having Jesus around makes me feel a little better about campus, having Pee-wee around makes me quite nervous.
We could always ask Cowboy Curtis aka Morpheus aka Captain Miller aka Laurence Fishburne for help. He’s never very busy.
Saturday
Enough talk about how scary Pee-wee Herman is, let’s talk about how to fight him!
If I’ve learned anything from bizarre children’s TV, it’s that you must fight fire with fire.
That means we create a campus-wide magic word that, when uttered, we know means Pee-wee is on the prowl and we must all attack.
This word cannot be something normally uttered on a daily, or even monthly basis. It must be so specific and so special that we know when somebody says it, they’re in real danger.
That is why the official “Pee-wee Herman is attacking me please send help ASAP” word is: Curwhibble.
Sunday
I want to make it clear that absolutely nothing of importance is happening today.
Nothing.
I heard that Peyton Manning’s brother might be fighting evil incarnate in some capacity, but I try not to pay much attention to anything slimy...
This is easily the most boring and mind-numbing day of the year.YAWN.
Monday
The final celebrity I’ve heard mentioned spending some time on campus is Nick Lachey, but everybody knows he’s not a REAL celebrity because REAL celebrities do not marry women with the IQ of a goat. A dumb goat. Therefore, Nick Lachey, you are officially disqualified from “real celebrity” status.
I did not mean to insult goats in that last passage. I really like goats. They’re funny-looking and can be highly intelligent. So goat-world... no harm intended.
Tuesday
Enough of all that. Please keep me updated and informed on any other celebrity sightings on campus. I’ve heard whispers that Nemo may be coming to visit soon as part of his book tour.
They recently published a book called “A Fish’s Tale: Words of Wisdom from the Deep Blue Sea.” It was co-written with Danielle Steele so you know it’s got to be classy.
Speaking of classy, has anybody seen my favorite toothpick?
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: Kathryn Rosenbaum
Editor-in-Chief Nathan Sergio
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
