Wednesday
Welcome to Calendar City’s new spot! Due to space constraints and renovations, Calendar City has had to move.
For some of you, it was probably nerve-wracking to flip to the back page of this paper and not see Calendar City. I thank you for your patience and welcome you back into the loving arms of this nonsensical column.
For those of you who have never seen nor heard of Calendar City because you’re too lazy to read the entire paper or you only want to read things with “content” or “substance,” shaaaa. I just shaaa-ed on you.
Deal with it.
What would happen if you combine each of Snow White’s seven dwarf’s with one of the seven deadly sins? You’d get an interesting column that’s for sure.
Happy would be lust. I can just see that over-enthusiastic charmer buying a person drink after drink until he/she figured they could never do better than a generous dwarf that smiles too much. That’s when Happy would make his move...
Thursday
Naturally, Doc would represent gluttony. After years in dwarf medical school, he developed a number of embarrassing eating habits that keep him from maintaining a healthy weight.
The players at the XU versus Dayton basketball game had better maintain a healthy weight...otherwise they’ll make fools of themselves on the court.
Tonight at 11 p.m. in the GSC Theatre, the movie “Boondock Saints” will play.
Bring lots of zebra cakes, twinkies, marshmallows, Rosie Swan’s homemade cookies and birthday cake so you can feel gluttonous just like Doc.
Friday
This Friday is surprisingly packed with stuff?
I just ended that declarative sentence with a question mark?
I did it again?
What’s going on.
I am messing up my punctuation?
On purpose?
That’s silly?
When will I stop the madness.
Who knows? Maybe never?
There will be a Art Faculty Art Exhibition opening at 6-8:30 p.m.?
I’m still writing the unnecessary question marks? Why.
The movie “Boondock Saints” will play again tonight at 11 p.m. in the GSC Theatre? I love that movie?
There’s also a movie night on the Levee? Buses will leave at 6:30 p.m. for the Levee with free movie passes? That sounds awesome?
I’m Ron Burgundy?
No more question marks...I’ve got a serious matter to discuss.
Dopey. He would embody the sin of greed, duh. Just think about him with his shiny, clear babyface. It must take really expensive facewash, professional facials, waxing, manicures, pedicures, constant haircuts...you name it.
How dare you Dopey! How dare you squander all the dwarves hard-earned money for your own ridiculous desires. You must learn when enough is enough, Dopey! Enough is enough!
Saturday
There will be a “Classical Piano Concert” at 2:30 p.m. in the GSC Theatre today. This is a great opportunity to try out another personality...old geezer. You can clip coupons, spray yourself with moth-ball smell, wear bad dentures and tip your college-aged waitress at Bob Evans two percent of your bill even though she did a great job taking care of your dining needs.
P.S. I do not hold a grudge.
Sunday
If we were doing another rendition of “Seven” with the dwarfs, Sneezy would be pride. Brad Pitt would still be Brad Pitt, though. He’d have to play opposite all the dwarfs. OK, I’m tired of all this dwarf talk so I’ll just round this out with saying Bashful would be envy and Sleepy would be sloth.
In conclusion, you should not sin in the presence of a legal dwarf.
I thank you for your time.
Monday
Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re looking for some fun this Monday...call Paul Moeller. He’s filled with bountiful energy. Like Tickle-Me Elmo. He also happened to walk by me right as I began this column with a completely blank canvass and no idea what to write about.
Alright Paul!
Another Sean Miller Show will take place today at 7 p.m. in Ryans Pub. If you change around the letters of Sean Miller’s name, you get Mean Siller. That’s crazy!
Tuesday
Here is your homework for the week...Use the word “twitterpated,” made popular by the movie “Bambi,” as often as possible.
On a first date: “Your beauty just made me twitterpate myself.”
Breaking up: “It’s not you...it’s my twitterpating nature.”
In class: “Plato must have twitterpated every day to be the genius he was.”
Learn it! Love it! Live it!
Twitterpated!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: Kathryn Rosenbaum
Editor-in-Chief Nathan Sergio
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
