Wednesday
Welcome back loyal, patient and bodacious Calendar Citizens. After a painfully long hiatus, we can once again begin our important political, social and metaphysical discussions.
First topic on docket for today...
DONKEY KONG!!!
There may be no greater video game ever conceived than Donkey Kong. The only possible exception is “A Boy and his Blob” originally created for the first Nintendo.
I want to bring the fantasy world of Donkey Kong to life on campus. I want miniature sidekicks named Diddy. I want to ride ostriches or swordfish for extra points and I want eat bananas hanging in mid-air.
A discussion entitled “Black Studies in the Academy: A Legacy of the Movement” will take place today at 11:30 a.m. in GSC room 214.
If you’re an adorable blonde-headed, energetic freshman in the improv comedy group “Don’t Tell Anna” celebrating a special day today, happiest of wishes to you and your adorable, blonde-headed, energetic freshmen friends.
Thursday
You know, Xavier community, I’ve got a lot of room on this Calendar that I need to fill...so I don’t appreciate you always putting so much stuff on every Thursday. Can’t you see Thursday doesn’t get a lot of space?
What if I wanted to fill some of Thursday with my mindless ramblings?
I can’t because that means there wouldn’t be enough space left to talk about the Potbelly Late Night Snack at 11 p.m. in the GSC or the meditation group at 5 p.m. in Bellarmine Parish across from the chapel or Preacher Moss coming for a comedy/lecture at 9 p.m. in the GSC Theatre. What can I do?
Friday
Have you ever had this overwhelming desire to change your personality even for just a day?
I’m not talking about good change of personality like “growth” or “reflection” or “learning from the past” or any of that voodoo mumbo jumbo. I’m talking about concealing your real identity by changing everything about your appearance and personality based on stereotypes of others!
For example...one day you could decide to be completely “emo.” You can call that day “Emo Day.”
In order to do so, you should dress in all black, straighten your long hair and make sure plenty is in your face, put on lots of black eye makeup (male or female!), listen to “Dashboard Confessional” while sighing deeply and discussing your profoud feelings about a society that just can’t understand or accept you. After a full day of complaining, be sure to retreat to a quiet suburban home with your loving family. You’ll be so emo and so awesome!
The movie “Dan in Real Life” will be playing in the GSC Theatre tonight at 11 p.m.
If you want to pretend you’re a teeny-bopper princess (male or female!) dye your hair blonde, find an agent to brainwash a bunch of young girls to adore you despite your lack of talent then make some really bad life decisions and you’ll be all set! Look out world, here comes Britney Lynn Montana Duff!
Saturday
“Dan in Real Life” will be playing again at 11 p.m. in the GSC Theatre.
Watching “A Dan Really Alive” is also possible every day of the week from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. Rather than sitting through a silly movie with its ‘plot lines’ and ‘actors’ and ‘compelling story,’ a group of us simply get together to watch a man named Dan go about his everyday life for three hours each day. We hide from him in the bushes so that we see the real Dan and giggle when he does something silly! Like breathing! You’re so silly Dan! You’re so silly! Hahahah! There you go breathing all the time! Silly!
P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Sunday
There will be a “Classical Piano Concert” at 2:30 p.m. in the GSC Theatre today. This is a great opportunity to try out another personality...old geezer. You can clip coupons, spray yourself with moth-ball smell, wear bad dentures and tip your college-aged waitress at Bob Evans two percent of your bill even though she did a great job taking care of your dining needs.
P.S. I do not hold a grudge.
Monday
Tonight at 7 p.m. in Ryan’s Pub will be the “Sean Miller Show.” Because I’ve never been, I can only imagine what the show is all about...and believe-you-me my imagination likes what I see.
I can picture Sean Miller and the rest of his coaching gang in scantily clad gear, entertaining everyone... \
I don’t think a simple radio show can do justice to these beautiful men and their beautiful choreography and their bodacious (second time used!) costumes.
Tuesday
Sometimes I wish I had a pet Dodo bird. Not just any old bird named Dodo, but a genuine Dodo bird. I would name it Falcon. I’d take Falcon to class with me and we’d pass notes in the back. At least, I’d pass him a note and he’d eat it or poop on it or something. Alas and alack, my fantasy can never come true because Dodo birds have been extinct since the mid-to-late 17th century. Galileo has been extinct since then, too. Now you know!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
