Wednesday
Every year, in the midst of the holiday season, I find myself re-evaluating my value system.
These times with family and dear friends inspire me to make the most of each moment and only do things I truly care about.
Plus, with the gift-giving season upon us, I feel an overwhelming amount of generosity.
That’s why I’ve decided to treat the entire Xavier campus to a special gift...I’m buying us a crew of “Newsies.”
I’ve hired a bunch of real-life young impoverished boys to yell out the headlines from this week’s Newswire. They’ll even wear the silly hats!
In order to ensure the Newsies have plenty to yell about, I will be filling this week’s column more ridiculous stories than usual...so brace yourselves.
It’ll be just like sitting around the table at Thanksgiving listening to your senile relatives tell boring stories then having them tell you that you look fatter than ever and you being heartbroken and vowing never to eat again. No...wait...um...
Thursday
Penguins, angry about global warming, decide to attack the elderly!
In other news, the Black Student Association will be holding an AIDS Awareness Walk on the Academic Mall at 6 p.m. today.
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Xavier University students were ranked No. 1 in the “Like Totally Fabulous!” category of the Hilary Duff magazine.
People are fabulous because I teach them how to be fabulous! I’m so like awesome and stuff!” claimed P. Stevenson, a prominent Xavier student leader and long-time magazine subscriber. “I’m like so fabulous!” he unnecessarily added.
Friday
The Xavier Dance Marathon will begin tonight at 7 p.m. at the O’Connor Sports Center.
It will continue (without stopping...hence the “marathon” part...) all night long.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt promised to stop by the Dance Marathon!
They’re looking to adopt again so be sure and look extra poor and troubled!
Not everyone on campus is so excited about the news that Hilary Duff think’s Xavier is “fabulous.”
“I’m not so excited about the news that Hilary Duff thinks Xavier is ‘fabulous,’” claimed the Blue Blob, a Xavier mascot who apparently has a magical ability to talk.
“Go away, Briana, I’m sick of being in your stupid make-believe interviews,” added my mother.
Xavier University may or may not be “Like Totally Fabulous!”
AIDS, however, is not “Like Totally Fabulous!”
Not at all.
I should probably work on my transitions to make them a little smoother and less crass.
Nevertheless, if you’re interested in learning more about AIDS, there will be an AIDS Awareness Fair from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center today.
The fair will be followed up with an informative talk by Dr. Tim Robbins at 3:30 p.m. in the GSC atrium.
Saturday
Tonight is the last night you can catch the movie “Clueless” at 11 p.m. in the GSC Theatre. It also showed on both Thursday and Friday nights at the same time in the same place.
If you miss the movie, you can easily turn on any reality TV show and be you’ll be bombarded by a ton of women acting like idiots and dressing up like dolls. Unless, of course, you’re watching “A Shot of Love” or “I Love New York.” Those are both very classy shows with top-notch contestants.
The only difference is that if you see Brittany Murphy on TV now, she will be skinnier and more annoying.
Sunday
This week is Darfur Awareness Week...so keep your eyes and ears open for information on Darfur-related events.
Between Darfur this week and AIDS last week, Brittany Murphy and Hilary Duff, this is one of the most uplifting columns I’ve ever written!
I’m gonna get some Starbucks drive thru while texting and watching “Material Girls” in my SUV.
Monday
I think the Newsies probably need another story...and I’m plum out of events to write about....
Hmmmm.....
Roadrunner’s grandchild caught up in online sex scandal with Wiley E. Coyote!
Sonic the Hedgehog admitted to the hospital with hip injuries!
Jake Gyllenhaal dumps tramp girlfriend and proposes to a Xavier University student! She says yes!
Researchers find no calorie chocolate! Fatties everywhere rejoice!
Tuesday
I can’t believe it’s December.
I can’t believe it’s not butter.
I can’t believe there’s more to type in these spaces.
I can’t believe you’re still reading this.
I can’t believe space creatures don’t treat earth as a lounge.
I can’t believe she’s wearing that!
I can’t believe YOUR MOM.
I can’t believe in can’t believing!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
