Wednesday
I feel especially sensitive this week. I feel like creating poetry. Perhaps it’s the stars...perhaps it’s the sun in Scorpio...perhaps is the peyote...whatever the case may be, I shall fill this week’s Calendar City with heart-wrenching, profound, beautiful poems.
Let us begin with a simple ode to the sunlight:
[Dramatic pause.]
Sunlight, oh! Sunlight.
Burning, oh! Burning.
Bright, oh! Bright.
Sometimes you burn my skin.
Sometimes you don’t.
Sometimes you’ll peep through the clouds.
[Dramatic pause.]
Thursday
Sometimes you won’t.
So, um, please don’t give me skin cancer.
On Dasher and Dancer!
And Prancer and Vixen!
Check out that nose-
He looks like Nixon!
George W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States of America.
Oh, look! Pickles! Yummy!
[Dramatic pause.]
Friday
If you’re ever in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, you should simply add a dramatic pause. It will make you look smarter and more thoughtful than you really are.
Whether you’re attending the opening night of “The Lion in Winter” in the Studio Theatre at 7:30 p.m. or going to Rock the Chapel at 9 p.m. in Bellarmine or watching “Superbad” in the GSC Theatre at 11 p.m., you can avoid meaningful conversations about what you thought.
[Dramatic pause.]
See? I’ll bet you thought I was going to come up with something clever here. You were wrong!
Saturday
“The Lion in Winter” plays again tonight in the Studio Theatre at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are only $3 for students, so get your tush in gear! Tush, tush, tush! Gear, gear, gear!
In case you haven’t noticed, this week’s Calendar City has been reformatted. I fear change. It literally makes me quiver and tinkle myself. In order to properly express myself, I feel the need to write another poem:
Look at this column.
Isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my life’s work was complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl...the girl who has...everything.
I’ve got gadgits and gizmos for writing.
I’ve got whozits and whatsits galore.
You want fantasy creatures?
I’ve got twenty.
But who cares?
No big deal...
I want mooooooore...
I want to have so many more pictures.
I want to see...wanna see goofy-looking things.
[Dramatic pause.]
Up where they walk...up where they run...up where they stay all day in the sun....
Writing is flee-(ting).
Wish I could be-(ting).
Part of that picture wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorld.
Thank you, thank you.
Sunday
For those of you who think the poem I just “wrote” sounds familiar, that’s because I copied it from a very popular movie. It is the theme from “The Boondock Saints.”
You caught me!
At 7:30 p.m. in the Studio Theatre there will be another performance of “The Lion in Winter.” I’ve heard rumors the show is nothing but naked people giving out chocolate and wine to the audience and dancing around for two hours. What could be more exciting?
The movie “Superbad” plays once again tonight at 11 p.m. in the GSC Theatre. It is the only movie that has honestly made me fall out of my seat laughing.
Monday
Last week, I received an email from a University of Dayton student. Why a Dayton student would feel the need to read this column--let alone the Xavier Newswire, is beyond me.
If anyone has any theories, please let me know.
It interests me greatly.
The only theory I can come up with is that he’s stuck in a cave being tortured for information and they’ve provided him with one form of entertainment...this newspaper.
Tuesday
He must have tried for days not to read it, yet he had no choice. It was either read this paper, or go crazy. He must have read it line by line to make the entertainment last longer. Finally, he got to the last page and took out his anger about being stuck in the cave in the first place in a simple email to an unassuming victim...At least that’s what I imagine. Then again, I imagine a little leprechaun follows me wherever I go. His name is Horace. He wears tights!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
