Wednesday
Inspired by the action-packed, adventurous life I live, I’ve decided to dedicate this week to secret agents who kick butt, take names and always get the babes.
So, loyal Calendar Citizens, this week shall be a manual-a challenge, if you will. You will be given many options for badarse-ness (I don’t know if I can say the three letter word for butt, so I’ll say arse) that you may or may not accept.
Each day will hold a new adventure...so hold tight to your form-fitted, plaid bellbottoms, you crazy hippies, because here we go (like the N*SYNC song! LOLZ! OMG! THYE’RE LIKE SO HANDSOME!!! LOLZZZZZ!!!@!@!@)
Your first mission, should you choose to accept it, involves capturing a small woodland creature.
You will want to begin by leaving your apartment wearing a wacky Halloween costume so you’ll fit in with the locals. Make sure you go to Victory Perk wearing your costume, because you’ll get a discount on your drink. And it’s delicious.
After you’re caffeinated in the GSC, quietly sneak into the room on the first floor with the vending machines. There are often many pleasantly plump people waiting at the new ice cream vending machine.
One of these people will not actually be fat. You’ll know who because they will wink twice at you. Oh, and they’ll be wearing a self-inflating fat suit. Inside the suit, they will have a squirrel named Terrance. Terrance is our informant. He works for us.
Thursday
When you get Terrance from the fat suit psycho, do not look him in the eyes. Terrance has some anger issues we’re working through...
Gently place him in the Disney Princess tote bag we provided you. When you get back to your base, you may take him out and ask him questions.
You must only speak in squirrel! This is very important! Otherwise, Terrance will run across Dana Avenue and, as is the fate for most who attempt to cross the insanely busy intersection, will likely not return.
When he does give you answers, reward him by taking him to see “Into the Woods” tonight at 7:30 p.m. in the GSC Theater.
Friday
Terrance should have a time and drop-off station. Once he has given you the information, you have two choices.
You can either take him to see “Into the Woods” again tonight at the same time and same place, or you can paint his nails bright pink.
Though I don’t care what you choose, I will warn you squirrel nails are extremely difficult to paint. The choice is yours.
Make sure you are at the drop-off place Terrance told you about. Dress like a rabbit so you aren’t suspected. There will be a chipmunk there named Theodore with a major inferiority complex. Whatever you do, do NOT call him Alvin!
When you have Theodore in your sight, do what you must to capture him. When he’s captured, find out the location of the treasure nicknamed “Bluebird.” Bring both the treasure and Theodore to us.
Warning: There will be a beautiful woman accompanying Theodore. You’ll know who she is immediately because she’ll be wearing a bikini and walking slowly out of the water, like every single woman who’s ever been in an action-adventure film.
She’s just as dangerous as she is beautiful. Use your stellar charms and woo your way into her heart and gain her trust.
If we can get her on our side, we can make her fat and ugly, thereby evening out the playing field a little bit for the rest of us “normies.”
Saturday
If you’ve made it to Saturday, you’ve lived a lot longer than we ever expected. Well done. You should reward yourself by going to see “Into the Woods” at 7:30 p.m. tonight in the GSC Theater.
There will be a dance tonight from 9 p.m. until 1 a.m. in the Cintas Center. It is entitled Homecoming and the theme is very similar to the lifestyle you live, you secret agent studmuffin.
You could also go see the Xavier Club Hockey team play at the Cincinnati Gardens tonight.
You may choose to do any of these...or you may choose to accept this next mission I have for you and live the real secret agent life.
Sunday
The mission is simple: You must learn Swahili, infiltrate the embassy of Mumbatututiti, find the raccoon wizard and learn his secrets.
First, if you want to prepare for this mission, I shall allow you one more chance to see “Into the Woods” at 7:30 p.m. in the GSC Theater.
Now, it’s time to train for your big mission. [Insert a montage here of you doing all sorts of wacky things in order to prepare.]
Monday
Finally, the montage is over and you’re ready to begin. Your first step (since I assume you’ve already learned Swahili) is to get to the embassy of Mumbatututiti. You’ll have to swim all the way there. You’re a secret agent...you can do it.
We’ll provide you with a band of dolphins that will help you once you’re in neutral waters. The dolphin leader’s name is Freckles. He loves to be scratched behind the ears.
Freckles and the others are highly trained and understand the importance of secrecy. Yet, their secrecy only applies to matters of state importance. Make sure not to talk about petty issues...they’re wicked gossips. Once you’re on the shore of Mumbatututiti, simply walk into the first building on the left past the KFC. There are only three buildings in Mumbatututiti, yet we’ve lost more secret agents to that KFC than I ever want to admit.
Tuesday
Once you’re in, ask the man at the front desk for “Mr. Biggles,” jump up and down three times, and scratch the left side of your nose. You’ll be taken to the secret lair of the raccoon wizard, Reginald.
He won’t want to talk at first, but if you ask about his mother, Regina, he’ll break down. Once he’s vulnerable, steal his wand and his book of potions. In it contains a fantastic recipe for pumpkin pie. I need it for Thanksgiving. Thanks.
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
