Wednesday
Whatever happened to those wonderful fables we used to hear in the days of yore? Back when kings and queens and bishops and women of ill-repute would tell stories with powerful lessons from dawn until dusk?
Those stories were much more than a simple pastime…they always contained profound lessons about humanity, morality and the meaning of life.
Plus, they always had talking animals and talking animals make me giggle.
I thereby therefore thusly dedicate this week’s issue to those old fables, hear ye, hear ye.
The first story starts with a simple music concert. The concert took place on a day very much like today in a place very much like Long Recital Hall on a campus very much like Xavier’s at a time very close to noon…only it was in a land far, far away.
There in the land named Animalville, there lived an animal named Platypus. Nobody loved Platypus because he was goofy- looking and had a silly-sounding name. In return, he loved nobody because he was scared to feel emotions.
Then, one day Platypus went all the way up to the moon on a rocket ship fueled by hope and dreams.
(Note: Do not try this at home! Having hope and dreams can be very dangerous and should not be attempted without the supervision of an adult who can keep your reality in check!)
Thursday
On the moon, Platypus met a creature named Jellabiddi. Jellabiddi looked goofier than Platypus and his name was certainly sillier, so Platypus pointed at him and let out a huge guffaw. He traveled back to earth feeling much better about himself. Lesson learned: The key to feeling better about yourself is bringing others down.
Xavier Players presents “Aida” tonight at 7:30 p.m. in the GSC Theater.
There will be a Late Night Snack tonight in the GSC Foodcourt at 10 p.m. with McDonalds breakfast.
McDonalds breakfast reminds me of another old tale from the home country...
Friday
Back in the land of Animalville, there once lived a small, easily-frightened, furry creature called Ferret. Ferret was a loner by choice. He was very quick and could run away from awkward social situations quite easily, so he never learned to adapt to being uncomfortable like the other creatures.
You see, all the animals in Animalville constantly ran into awkward situations.
Like the time Tiger asked Orangutan to go to see “Aida” at 7:30 p.m. in the GSC Theater and Orangutan was all like “I dunno” and Tiger was like “Oh, come on” and Orangutan was like “But, see, I’ve been kind of seeing Penguin” and Tiger was all, “What’s Penguin got that I don’t?” and Orangutan was like, “Well, lots of stuff” and Tiger started gnawing at Orangutan’s leg before he heard any more.
That’s how it went down.
The point is, different animals have different ways of dealing with things and Ferret’s way was always to run away.
So, one time Ferret was eating a big breakfast cooked by Seahorse when he started criticizing the food even though he kept eating it.
Seahorse kept feeding Ferret until Ferret could no longer move, then Seahorse punched his lights out for being such a jerk.
Lesson learned: Never insult Seahorse. Also, animals are much better to eat than to listen to.
Saturday
It’s Family Weekend and I hope whoever is reading this is reading it in the comfort of your family’s loving arms.
I’ll be reading it from the isolation of my computer’s cold glow...but I’m not looking for pity.
If I wanted to get out I know there’s plenty I could do onc ampus, like “Aida” at 1:30 p.m. or 7:30 p.m. not to mention the various activities all around campus to celebrate parents.
Why, I know if I wanted to there would be plenty of fun things to do in this community.
But, I’d rather stay indoors like Pineapple did on that fateful Christmas Eve...
Sunday
You see Pineapple used to love frolicking in the snow.
Farooka Gauhari, who will be speaking tonight from 7-8:30 p.m. on “Women in Afghanistan” in the Schiff Family Conference Center tonight doesn’t know this particular story.
Anyway, one Christmas Eve, it began to snow very heavily and Pineapple was preparing to play like he did every Christmas Eve.
Monday
Unfortunately, this particular Christmas Eve, Pineapple went out to his sled and found he had gotten a ticket from his Animalville Police Officer. Pineapple’s ticket said that he had to pay $500 because they needed funding for their Christmas party and there weren’t enough real problems to occupy them.
Pineapple was upset and confused. “But I’ve always parked my sled here. I don’t understand why I can’t park my sled here. Why? What’s the meaning behind it all?”
Just then, he heard a heavenly voice say unto him, “Pineapple. The times they are a’changin’ my fruity son. Animal Police no longer care about your needs. They like your money more. You must choose...either take that sled out and live your life like you should, or spend the rest of your life pent up in your room, scared of the world.”
Pineapple has never left his room since.
Tuesday
Lesson learned: When you make the laws, you’re above them.
Today is Academic Day. I will be celebrating like the Swan... Ah, the story of the Swan. The once “ugly duckling” turned beautiful Swan lives in a paradise world. All day long, she floats gracefully in semi-polluted water just waiting for the day when her feathers fall off and she is once again a grotesque creature. Lesson learned: Never say never...ever ever.
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
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