Wednesday
I will never get tired of hearing this conversation:
Person A: “Hey, did you see the new women’s center?”
Person B: “Yeah, but I’ve only got one problem with it.”
Person A: “What’s that?”
Person B: “Where’s the men’s center?”
Person A and Person B then laugh hysterically as if Person B is the first person to make such a cunning, witty comment.
This same conversation in some form or another has been taking place for about a year and a half now and, I gotta tell you, it just keeps getting funnier and funnier.
So please, people of Xavier University, continue to make the obvious statement that there is no delineated “men’s center.” It’s such a valid point.
I mean, it’s not like we attend a university which for years only accepted male students, covets its male basketball team as if they were demigods, has always been sponsored by an only male order of the Catholic Church, and a religion with a tradition of only male priests.
Besides, you all have the weight room in O’Connor. Go there for a testosterone-filled gruntfest.
Everybody knows a “mens’ center” would never work. It’d be too smelly because boys are smelly because they’re infected with cooties and there’s a shortage of cootie shots right now in the city and I don’t want to get cooties and I don’t want to smell. That’s why I stay away from boys. Ewww!
Thursday
There will be a VegOut at 5 p.m. today in the Dorothy Day House. This week’s will be sopnsored by St. Francis of Assisi, the Patron Saint of Animals...so you know it’ll be tasty.
He protected all sorts of delicious animals like chicken, turkey, sausage, ham, bacon, bolongna and hot dogs.
I’m certain St. Francis would want us to enjoy the animals in their perfect state, which is inside our bellies.
If you’re upset, you can contact my manager, Mr. Bourne. He will be showing his promotional video tonight at 11 p.m. in the GSC for free. He’s not at all intimidating.
Friday
A friend of mine takes an apple from the cafeteria almost every meal, eats it and puts the core in a particular tree on his way back to his room.
By the end of the week, the tree is filled with apple cores. It looks like the tree is growing apple cores!
It is so silly!
Trees can’t really grow apple cores! That’s impossible!
Or is it...
You see, being the scientifically-oriented mind I am, I decided to do some research to see if it could be possible.
I quickly discovered that it was not only impossible, but a waste of my time, energy and effort to have even pretend such a ludicrous thing could happen.
However, there have been many ‘real experiments’ done by ‘real scientists’ who get ‘real results’ and make a ‘real difference’ in this world.
If you’d like to become a ‘scientist,’ too, you need to have a basic, testable hippopotamus.
Next, you test your hippopotamus. I test mine by feeding it only beer and pop rocks while making it dance to techno music. I want to see how long it takes to lose custody of its children.
“Don’t Tell Anna: Xavier’s Premiere improvisational comedy group” will perform tonight. Look for details on your local Facebook!
Saturday
Here are some productive ways to spend your Saturday morning:
You can attend Community Action Day which begins at 8:30 a.m. in the Gallagher Student Center.
You can wake up early and work all day as a crossing guard on Dana Avenue for the students who have to endanger themselves every time they want to cross the street.
Or you can walk around campus smiling and slapping people on the tookus (yeah, I said tookus). Everybody needs a good slap on the tookus once in a while. It’s not creepy at all, I promise.
There will be another chance to catch “Don’t Tell Anna” tonight in Kelley Auditorium at 9:30 p.m.
Sunday
Today is International Frugal Fun Day. Being frugal, however, implies having money. I do not.
Instead of accepting money as payment, I make my own seasonal decisions of what I consider valuable. In the fall, I accept brightly colored leaves as payment. In the winter, I accept warm socks. In the spring, I accept blossoming flowers. In the summer, I accept brightly colored post-it notes.
Monday
Throughout the next few weeks, there will be original prints by Suzanne Chouteau displayed in the Cohen Art Gallery.
I would love to see more pieces in the Cohen Art Gallery but I have absolutely no idea how to navigate that building.
After having to walk three miles uphill just to get there, I’m usually so busy trying to catch my breath that I don’t take note of my surroudings once I enter the building and I have gotten consistently lost every time I’ve walked through those doors since the beginning of my Xavier career.
Could we at least color code the hallways or something? Do you realize how embarassing it is to be walking by the same professor’s office five times while they laugh and I have no idea where my classroom is? Is there some sort of secret Cohen map everybody else seems to have access to? Why, God, why?
Tuesday
Tonight at 9:30 p.m., Barely Legal Teens, Xavier’s only long-form improvisational comedy group, will perform in Kelley Auditorium.
Today is World Post Day. I’m going to assume this a Facebook reference. Therefore, I will likely spend this whole day leaving my friends messages simply saying “Remember that time we were so funny? I do! LOLZ! ” That way, everyone will know how funny and great we are. Booyeah.
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
