Wednesday
I guess that’s all I’ve got.
Well, now that that’s done, I guess it’s on to the next day.
Yummy international coffee!
There will an International Coffee Hour at 3:30 p.m. in the Faces of the World Lounge on the Second Floor of the GSC.
OK, here it goes.
I guess I’ll type some events now, in order to assuage my guilt for causing such confusion. How wonderful!
So as long as I type some Calendar events, the rest of the page can be nonsense.
The only real “point” to it is to make sure there are Calendar items typed...sometimes.
Then again, much of Calendar City doesn’t make sense.
People will probably get mad about me typing in this order. It’s pretty confusing.
I wonder if that word is even in the dictionary.
Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious.
I’m going to type a silly word:
It’s like “A Beautiful Mind,” except in print.
Quit cheating!
Then you’d know the order in which you should read these paragraphs to have them make sense...but that would make you a cheater.
Unless, of course, you skip to the last sentence and read it first.
As you read it, the sentences will only make sense once you have gotten to the last one.
I think I’m going to write today’s column from the bottom up.
Thursday
The first SNAC meeting will take place at DDH at 4 p.m. Cheerleading tryouts are today from 7-9 p.m. in the Auxiliary Gym. There will be a Late Night Snack at 10 p.m. in the GSC foodcourt.
Why is there always so much going on every Thursday? It must be the day to have activities. Don’t they realize all these events in one day are problematic?
You see, there is only so much space for Thursday events and if I type in all the Thursday events, I have no room left for rambling, non sequiturs.
How am I supposed to use my vibrant vocabulary when I’m stifled with all this responsibility?
Friday
You, my dear friend, need to learn how to double-task.
You need to learn how to protect yourself while reading this page.
“Why?” You may ask.
“I’ll tell you,” I may say.
While you’ve been reading, I stole your wallet.
That’s right, check your pocket...you’ll find it is gone.
I win! I always win! Take that you unmindful reader! Ha!
What’s that? Your wallet is still right there with nothing taken?
Yeah, I know. I knew all along. I was just testing you, you see.
You still have your wallet because the wallet was just a distraction for the fact that I stole your computer!
Ha! I win again! Go ahead...check it out! You’ll find it’s mine, all mine now.
For those of you who believe me and are in hysterics at the simultaneous loss of your computer and therefore your closest friend, you may be interested in the Annual All-Science Cookout today at 4 p.m. at the Fountain Plaza.
Funny, I had no idea we had a place on campus called the “Fountain Plaza.”
It must be some secret underground lair that only the smartest students are invited to for secret events that they publicize to tantalize those of us who cannot attend.
You snotty, elitist, four-eyed poopoo pants!
Saturday
I’m gonna make up my own name for a special place around campus and only invite special people for special reasons and you’ll need a special key and a special password which will be “special” and everything about it will be special.
And you’re not invited!
I’m going to only invite my absolute bestest friends in the whole entire world to my magical land where the water is Cherry Coke and the sunshine is milk chocolate and the trees are Pez dispensers and the grass is made of delicious homemade cookies ordered from “The Cookie Jar” and the clouds are vanilla soymilk, for those who have trouble digesting lactose.
Sunday
Come see Xavier University students play football!
Not like the crazy European “football” we know as soccer where the people prance around the field hoping for a goal every other game and I make fun of it because I don’t know how to play...but real life hit ‘em up, shove ‘em down, American-style football. XU Club football team will play at 1 p.m. today at St. Xavier High School.
Monday
I have trouble deciding at what pace I’m going to walk while going to and from classes on Mondays. I actually have trouble every day deciding how fast I want to walk, but especially on Mondays.You see, Monday sets the pace for the rest of the week.
If I start out walking quickly, busting my bum to get to class ontime or even early, then I’m setting my weekly standard pretty high. If I don’t get to class with the same gusto the rest of the week, people question my work ethic and stamina. If, however, I take a more leisurely pace on Mondays, then I could lose steam with the stresses of the week and be completely unmotivated to even get to class by Friday!
What do I do? If you’ve got advice for an appropriate Monday morning walking pace or really any other advice for life in general, please email me. Next week will feature the responses!
Tuesday
Somebody already emailed me and requested a special spot in this column. After calming myself down enough to resume proper breathing patterns, I happily oblige:
There will be a Fall Career and Internship Fair from 3-6 p.m. in Cintas today. Bring multiple copies of your resume and dress nicely.
It’s so easy to get into the paper these days! It seems like any ol’ shmuck can say whatever they feel! What is the world coming to?
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
