Wednesday
Well, it finally happened.
It was only a matter of time, really, before such a monumental occasion would take place.
It was as inevitable as Star Jones gaining back all her weight and Jerry Springer once again running for political office...there was simply no avoiding it.
I dreamt last night of writing Calendar City.
I don’t know why it hasn’t happened before. This column is the only thing I care about on this earth.
If this column were a person, I would call it first thing in the morning just to say, “Have a wonderful day” and “You’re the only reason I get out of bed.” I’d call it the moment I walked away from the computer just to say “I miss you.” I’d call it last thing at night to say “Goodnight” and “I can’t wait to hold you in my arms tomorrow” and sometimes I would call this column just to sit on the phone and listen to it breathe. Mmmmmm.
If this column were a person, I’d be in the happiest, most fulfilling, normal relationship this world would ever see. If only...*sigh*...
It’s no wonder, then, that I dreamt about typing Calendar City last night. Well, truth be told, I was sitting in front of the computer worried because I couldn’t think of anything to say.
I could only think about filling the pages with nonsensical, meaningless chatter instead of the normal substance-filled journalistic gold.
Wait a minute...
Thursday
There once was a column that needed some words.
There once was a person who stepped in dog turds.
There once was a writer who only appealed to nerds.
Look out the window! Birds!
If you’re interested in writing sketch comedy, a brand new group called “We Told Frank” will hold open auditions (last night and) tonight at 9 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium. Bring a three to five page original sketch and be a part of something beautiful...
Tonight is the first Senior Night at Dana Gardens beginning at 10 p.m. because nothing builds community as easily as cheap booze.
Friday
If you’re part of the Peer Leadership Team, your retreat is going to Camp Kern at 3 p.m. today.
If you’re interested in signing up for the GetAway Retreat, today is the last day to register.
I, myself, am not too keen on either of these opportunities simply because I am scared of being outdoors. I’m scared of being in the woods, and I hate animals.
Mostly, I fear trees.
I haven’t always been this way, you know. There was a point in my life where I couldn’t get enough of the outdoors. I spent hours playing in my backyard with the cool breeze in my hair and the beautiful sun gently shining down on my youthful skin.
Then, I met Trudy.
Trudy seemed like any ordinary oak tree at first glance. She was tall, majestic, grounded, colorful and full of life.
But Trudy harbored a deep, dark secret. A secret that would tear apart my childhood dreams of becoming a park ranger just like my hero, Yogi Bear, only even tanner.
To get into the gory, dark details of my fateful summer fighting Trudy in order to keep my health and sanity would be too much for a column like this. Besides, it would require a lot more space than these few lines...and a lot more energy typing than I want to exert.
Let’s just say, I’ll never forget the Alamo...and neither should you.
Saturday
Today there is a workshop to help Spanish speakers pronunciation of English words.
I would like to request a workshop for Spanish speakers to help English speakers pronounce English words like Spanish speakers. Y’alls accent is the bomb-diggity, yo.
Every time I try to speak with a Spanish accent and sound really cool it sounds like a bad French accent, which makes no sense at all.
Not only is a French-sounding accent not nearly as cool, but it doesn’t give me as much street credibility as a Spanish accent. Street credibility is something I’ve been working very hard on at this point in my life...Homie G. Word.
Sunday
Seriously, people are scared of me. I’m a pretty intimidating person. I wear so much ice, they named me Prime Mayor of Iceland...yeah.
Speaking of ice, Xavier University Players presents “Frozen” tonight at 7:30 p.m. Tonight is the last opportunity to see the show. It began Thursday and runs until tonight. It does not run tomorrow. Only today. And yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that.
Monday
Another Monday! It must be my birthday. Mmmmm. I hope that ol’ muscley-armed paper boy is comin’ around again. Mmmmmm.
I heard he likes popcicles. That’s why I’ve been keepin’ popcicles in the pocket of my robe all day long so he can reach on in and grab it next time that ol’ piggily wiggily thing rides by my place, bringin’ me good news.
Mmmmmmm.
If you watch “Family Guy,” the last two paragraphs may have sounded familiar.
If you don’t watch “Family Guy,” the last two paragraphs may have sounded extraordinarily creepy.
Either way, I really do keep popsicles in my pocket in case I ever want to make a new best friend to take care of. Pretty normal.
There will be a SAC sponsored concert on the greenspace today at 5:30 p.m. I’ll be there. Waiting. Watching. Mmmmmmmm.
Tuesday
There will be a ring representative on campus from 1 to 5 p.m. today. I’m not sure I’m really ready to take the plunge and commit myself to a ring yet. I’ve got too much I’ve got to do for me. I can’t just buy this ring and expect everything to turn out OK! How can you know that? First it’s a ring, next it’s a dog, next children...how am I ever gonna pay for their bar and bat mitzvahs? Do you realize how expensive DJs are these days? Quit being so selfish!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
