Wednesday
Good day loyal readers. I hope all is well in your respective kingdoms. All is well here in the city of the calendar for it is yet another glorious week.
Today, I take some time to talk about “The State of the City” in which we, mostly me, shall discuss issues bothering our city, mostly myself, and how we can remedy them.
There is one pending item for this week on the fantasy agenda that I just made up in my head and wrote in my fake handy-dandy notebook with an imaginary crayon.
The imaginary crayon is cerulean, the real-life best color in crayon world.
I digress.
I am a tigress.
The eye of the tiger.
Tony the Tiger.
They’re greeeeeeeeeeeeeat!
My attention span is not one of my strong points.
Speaking of strong points, “Don’t Tell Anna,” Xavier’s premiere improvisational comedy group, will hold its once-a-year open auditions at 9:30 p.m. tonight and tomorrow night. No preparation or experience is needed. Meet in the lobby of Alter Hall if interested.
I took the time to make up a fake “State of the City” idea, the fake crayon and the notebook, and didn’t even address the one real aspect of that story: the actual issue I need to discuss with you loyal calendar citizens. Huh. There’s no space left. I guess I’ll have to continue this on Friday’s space. Betcha can’t wait!
Thursday
There is absolutely nothing of interest or controversy going on today at Xavier University.
You heard me. Nothing.
OK, I lied. There is something rather significant going on tonight at 7 p.m.
That’s right…AIDA auditions in GSC.
And that’s it.
Oh! Wait, how on earth could I forget? Something so monumental, so important, so vital to the Xavier community…
At 7 p.m., ladies and gentlemen, SAC is sponsoring a “TGIF: Boy Meets World” marathon at GSC.
Whew, thank goodness I didn’t leave out anything worthwhile.
Friday
A complaint was mentioned to me about the supposed “content” of Calendar City. A certain individual, who had obviously read the column for the first time, said, and I quote, “It was really good, but there wasn’t that much calendar involved.”
Remain calm. This blasphemy came from someone who had never before read this page in order to realize that there are very few, if any, actual “calendar” items.
The aforementioned individual must have also not taken the time to read the rest of the Newswire in order to realize that there are event items in each section, thereby rendering my job relatively pointless in terms of “real content.”
This poor lost soul must neither have access to the Internet nor the Gallagher Student Center where there is a plethora of information available to anyone seeking real-life events.
I also suggest CinWeekly or CityBeat for fantastic, free information from people who are hired to simply report straight-up facts about local events. Copies of these publications are located around campus!
This column is about giggles and love and laughter and teddy bears and warm apple cider in the fall and hot chocolate after making snow angels in the winter. If you have a problem with that, you need to search within yourself for answers instead of lashing out at one of life’s most precious gifts, this column.
Saturday
I was typing away something excruciatingly important in one of the computer labs (OK, it was a Facebook wall post to a BFF just sayin’ “holla!”), when I saw a sign with three large hazardous waste symbols with a written, “WARNING!”
The dramatic display was warning me that after 10 minutes of inactivity, my workstation would be logged off and all my information lost.
I thought it was going to warn me that if I sat in front of the computer for too long, my eyes would melt or my fingers would shrivel up or my dog would turn into a cat or there’d be no more Cinco de Mayo. That’s not a world I want to live in.
Sunday
At 4 p.m. today the annual Spirit Celebration will take place. For those of you who have never experienced the Spirit Celebration, it’s pretty much just a big cheerleading-type festival in which the Xavier community gathers together to chant “We’ve got spirit, yes we do, we’ve got spirit, how ‘bout you?” and the neighborhood chants it right back and it gets louder and more exciting until somebody gets mugged.
Monday
Ah, Club Day on the Mall begins at 11 a.m. This is honestly one of my favorite days at Xavier.
There’s free food, lots of exciting information about future events taking place and an overall ambiance of friendliness.The opportunities to make people feel awkward are abundant. You can sit at one of the blank tables and smile creepily as people walk by.
If anyone comes up to talk to you, make sure to embrace and sob emotionally while you hold them for an uncomfortably long time.
Or you could take the opposite route and go up to each and every table and ask questions at every opportunity. Question the person you talk to for validity and then one-up them.
Trust me, you’ll have tons of friends in every different club, the cutest boy in school will ask you to the dance and you’ll be voted Prom Queen.
Tuesday
The following sentence has a lot of grammatical mistakes:
Sometimes when you are typing a great deal, and you, don’t, know what to; say, you find yourself simply typing—words—and you don’t know why and. all you want to Do is put? words on the page that MAKE SENSE but you can’t so you say, ‘Eh, when in Rome” and move on with your life.
Another profound lesson from Calendar City. You’re welcome.
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
