Wednesday
Welcome back, Calendar Citizens. It’s that time of the year again...fundraising time!
That’s right. You’ve made it to the back page and now it’s time to cough up some cash!
You see, newbies, Calendar City is all about raising money for good causes.
The way it works is all these, um, good causes like email me their problems, or whatever, and, um, I collect money for them through this paper and, you know, we make the world a better place.
(For those of you who have read this column before, just play along and let’s see how many of these suckers will actually send money!)
(For those of you who haven’t read this column before, don’t read the parenthesis above.)
(For those of you who already read the parenthesis above and weren’t supposed to, um, check out that silly looking cat! It’s so silly! Its cheeks are all puffy! HA!)
Now I shall explain how I will trick you into sending me money.
Wait, that didn’t come out like I wanted it to, but I’m too lazy to delete it, so forget that you read it or what it said. Instead, read this:
Now I shall explain how you can send your hard-earned money to me for absolutely no good reason.
Shoot. That didn’t come out like I wanted it to, either. I’m not very good at this lying thing.
The honest truth is I want to sit on my lazy bum and have you send me money to sustain my well-being.
Also, I wanted to say ‘bum.’
Thursday
I’d like to send out a campus-wide “thank you” to the sweethearts who live in the apartment next to me. They love music so much that they play it all hours of the night.
Not only that, but they play it loud enough for the entire apartment complex to hear! It is so generous of them.
So I give you living saints a heartfelt thank you and hope the fun continues all year long.
The Navigators will be holding a cookout on the greenspace at 5:30 p.m. tonight.
The Singers will have auditions from 7-9 p.m. I don’t know where. Find out yourself like the good little detectives you are!
Friday
Have you ever had a friend call just to tell you what seemed like something funny and it turned out not to be funny at all and was actually a horrible rumor that, if proven true, could ruin the prospect of having happiness in your future?
I’ve never had that happen. It’s not like I just talked to a friend who heard that the Hollywood love of my life might be gay and therefore uninterested in me or anything.
Sorry about that last comment. I guess it doesn’t matter to you that I just lost the plans I had for my future with such a perfect man who acts in many movies makes millions of dollars and whom I’ve never met before but know we’d be perfect for each other. No, no you don’t care.
You probably only care that it’s movie night at the Levee. Free buses to Newport will leave Buenger at 7 p.m. if you’d like to go.
Here’s a hint, ladies. If you’re going to the movies to see a studly man whom you can fantasize marrying someday, stay away from oh, let’s say, “Jarhead,” “Zodiac” or “Brokeback Mountain” because he’s taken...and, rumor has it, not by a lady.
*Sigh*
I need a good Beyonce or Kelly Clarkson song to get me through this right now. Maybe I’ll just listen to birthday boy Conway Twitty’s music. Even if the lyrics aren’t right, at least I can laugh at his silly name and be thankful it isn’t mine.
Saturday
I wish we had more ninjas around this campus. Not bad ninjas, like the jerks who tried to capture the Ninja Turtles, but good ninjas. That would be fantastic!
For instance, if somebody drops something of value, a ninja could quietly descend from the trees and return it!
Or if there’s somebody fighting with another person, one of them could enlist the help of the ninjas to finish the fight off quickly!
Or maybe if something controversial is written, the ninjas come under the cover of the night and steal all the printed copies of it so nobody could read it and formulate their own opinion!
Sunday
I’m having a very hard time concentrating right now.
I had a very hard time concentrating yesterday.
I had a very hard time concentrating this past summer.
I don’t wanna go back to school! Mommy, make it stop! There are so many papers and expectations and tests and expectations and conversations and expectations and I just don’t wanna do it! Waaaah!
Monday
Today is Labor Day. What a glorious day for doing anything but labor. It’d be a fantastic opportunity to use the new sand volleyball courts before the stray cats discover them and they become filled with little kitty surprises.
I hope they discover them before Valentine’s Day so that I can wrap up the kitty surprises and give them to my handsome boyfriend.
That’s right, I have a real-life boyfriend who’s really real and everything!
Perhaps you’ve heard of him? His name is Prince William and he’s the handsomest man in all the live long land and we’re going to be very happy together when I live like a princess just like my idol, Paris Hilton.
Eh. Even typing that awful combination of letters together and creating that atrocious name associated with that horrendous person makes me sick. Sicky sick sick. Ew.
Tuesday
This marks the fourth day of September. You know what that means...only 112 days until Boxing Day! I always thought Boxing Day meant boxing as in fighting people. Turns out, it’s boxing as in putting things in boxes. Not nearly as exciting...unless you then throw the boxes at other people in the room and the stuff comes out and falls all over the place and there’s absolute mayhem like the end of the movie “Fight Club.” Yeah, that. Awesome.
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
