Wednesday
At this time of the year, it gets pretty normal for people to reminisce. Seniors are graduating, preparing themselves for the real world and sucking every last moment of socially accepted drinking out of their last few precious weeks here.
As I walk slowly around campus, taking in all the sights and sounds, I find it’s easy to fall into the trap of making every event into a cheesy after-school special.
Although I don’t necessarily think it’s healthy to live in constant nostalgia since you miss out on the present, I do think there’s something to be said for recognizing precious moments.
That’s why I hired a small studio band to play out on the greenspace whenever I decide somebody’s having a special moment.
It’ll be just like those sentimental moments at the end of a good TGIF show when the true lesson of love behind the laughter is learned...like loud lollygagging large lemurs lurking in the lounge.
So, the next time you’re making googily-eyes at that special someone, or having a deep conversation about how much your relationship means to you, or even when find yourself smiling for no particular reason, you may hear a musical soundtrack begin to play in the background. The soft, soothing music will seem to coordinate perfectly with your every movement...just go with it and enjoy your sitcom-worthy moment. We’re all family here...and family matters.
Make Carl Winslow proud.
Thursday
In my hand is a box of hard snuff pieces. They’re like little, addictive, nicotine-filled, wintergreen flavored mints.
They’re not for smokers trying to quit. They’re, in fact, for people who are interested in becoming addicted to nicotine, but just can’t bring themselves to smoke.
How wonderful! Now you can have all the hazards of smoking without even looking glamorous or cool like the people who smoke in the movies! Awesome!
Anyone who’s interested in getting a piece of this gold mine of coolness, please feel free to contact me. No, please, seriously. Call me...pleeeeeeeeaassseeee....
Friday
Tonight there is a lot going on around campus, so I’m just gonna throw it out there.
If you like it, you can take it. If not, throw it right back.
I wanna be on you.
Also, at 4 p.m. there is a Nicaragua Service Learning Semester presentation in Kelley Auditorium.
Listen...I’m gonna say it again.
I...I wanna be on you.
(Sigh.)
RSA will be hosting a BINGO night with free food at 8:30 p.m. in the Armory. The food will be served at the beginning and the games start around 9:30 p.m. so get your glorious hieney over there to enjoy the fun times.
If that doesn’t appeal to you, you can go see the hilarity that is Xavier Player’s Toolbox at 9 p.m. in the Studio Theater. It’s a show filled with sketch comedy, improvisational comedy and guaranteed laughter. Afterwards, you should culture yourself by seeing the movie “Letters from Iwo Jima” at 11 p.m. in the GSC Theater. The movie played last night, will play tonight, and finishes its run tomorrow night.
Sometimes, I really wish I could have a soundtrack running through my daily interactions like the one I described earlier. It’d be a dream come true to play circus music in the middle of a boring class, dance and walk around opening and shutting doors goofily and being an overall silly little goose! So silly!
Saturday
Two Saturdays ago, I went skydiving. It was awesome. I recounted part of my experience in a story for this paper, but I’ve received many questions since. Because I’m scared of people, let me give you the contact information of a friend of mine who is not nearly as socially awkward as myself and knows more about skydiving than I could ever hope to learn.
His name is John Hart. His email is Hartj1@xavier.edu. If you contact him, he can answer any questions you may have about skydiving. Also, he won’t yell at you or progressively get more emotional on the phone until the point of uncomfortable hysteria like I will.
I’m just not a people person.
Sunday
OK, I am a people person. I’m a huge people person! I love meeting new people and learning about them!
In fact, just the other day I was at a party and I made sure to introduce myself to every single person in the room.
Each introduction included a lick on the cheek, a firm slap on the behind, and a love-smack on the face. Just my way of showing affection.
Monday
Today is the first day of finals. There is nothing to do on-campus, so you really have no excuse for not doing your homework or at least studying for a very stressful and trying week.
If you’re desperately trying to procrastinate, I guess I can provide you with a little sumthin’ sumthin’ to get your mind off all that grammar ‘n cipherin’
Don’t Tell Anna, Xavier’s premiere improvisational comedy group, will be having a free show at 8 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium. The shows are always filled with high-energy, low expectations and a money-back guarantee.
Don’t Tell Anna, Xavier’s premiere improvisational comedy group, will NOT be performing at “Your Mom” despite the common misconception.
Quit spreading rumors about it, Tommy. I’ll tell them what you did last summer...movie-style...
Tuesday
I hope your realize what today is. It’s Ocho de Mayo. It’s like Cinco de Mayo but, it’s Ocho. And instead of saying “my-yo” you say “maye-yo,” like it’s the shortened version of the condiment. You can put mayonnaise on many different sandwich concoctions. You can eat the sandwiches for many different events.
Sandwiches are tasty, like the sweet taste of the end of another chapter of life’s marmalade-filled novel. Mmmm. Marmalade.
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
