Wednesday
Warning: I woke up this morning chipper as a bluebird on a glorious spring day...brace yourself for a column filled with overwhelming enthusiasm for life’s little miracles!
While I am typing these words, it is absolutely gorgeous weather outside.
I got out of class a few minutes early.
Those few minutes allowed for me to eat lunch when I normally don’t have time.
I missed the huge rush at Subway and got my sandwich in no time.
It was delicious.
For the life of me, I can’t think of a single thing to complain about!
How bizarre!
I don’t even really have anything to write about in terms of events today...OK now I’m just starting to scare myself. Not only do I not have one tidbit of news to write about in this column, but there is nothing of the utmost importance that I feel the need to exploit in my precious weekly rant.
What the heck am I supposed to do with this new-found positive attitude? Am I supposed to sit down and see the world through rose-colored glasses for the rest of my days? Am I supposed to beam positive energy and light in each one of my classes from now on? Am I supposed to spread my abundant enthusiasm with every person I come in contact with? Am I supposed to lower my blood pressure and live a healthier, more holistic, balanced life filled with joy? I don’t know how to live a life without bitterness!
Thursday
Without anything to rant about, I guess I’ll let you know what’s going on around campus...I guess...
There will be a showing of the movie “Voces Inocentes” in Albers 103 at 7 p.m. Also at 7 p.m., Dr. Neal Bemard will be lecturing in Kelley Auditorium.
Tonight is the first night of “Workshop,” a student-produced Xavier Players show that showcases all student-written/directed pieces. It begins at 7:30 p.m. in the GSC Theater. It plays through Sunday.
After “Workshop,” the movie “The Breakfast Club” plays in the GSC Theater.
Jet Li turns 44 today.
Friday
OK, I can’t take this neutral almost-too-sweet crap anymore.
I’ve got something to say and I just didn’t know how to put it kindly, so I put on an act.
That’s right, baby. It was all an act to make you think I had become this sweet, little innocent girl who just wanted to report the news. I even put my hair in pigtails and had big doe-eyes while typing Wednesday...Ha! Good one, me!
Alright, friends. Read closely because I’m only gonna type this once.
Well, I guess techincally you can then read it as many times as you want after I type it, but it’d be much more dramatic if you tried pretending I was reading it to you in a really stern voice and you were paying really close attention to every word because it’s like you’re James Bond in a Bond film and this paper will self-destruct after you read it and it knows when you’re done reading because there’s so much unnecessary technology involved in the creation of this paper just to make sure the information stays top-secret when really we know this information isn’t technically top-secret because it’s a published paper that everyone can read, re-read, have their parents read, read to their parents, and share with their grandparents if they so choose.
Sorry, we’ve got new copy editors this week at the paper. I wanted to give them a headache.
Saturday
Back to the big problem I’ve got this week with my dear campus buddies. Note, I didn’t say Calendar Citizens because I know nobody smart enough to read this paper would be silly enough to do such atrocious acts.
What I’m speaking of is the unecessary glaring that constantly goes on around this campus. Is it really so hard to have a friendly smile if you make awkward eye contact with somebody you may not know very well?
The next person who glares at me or anyone else can be sure I will attack them with ninja-like stealth, lion-like power, cat-like reflexes and Britney-like staying power.
Sunday
This is the last day you can see “Workshop” in the GSC Theater at 7:30 p.m.
If you come just to glare at the people onstage or other people in the audience, I will hunt you down and slay you like a Fairy Tale Princess slays her future husband with her beauty.
I’m serious. Quit glaring, Xavier. Quit glaring, America. Quit glaring, all you measly earth people!
Monday
I’m also sick and tired of chairs making obnoxious squealing noises when I sit in them and making me feel like a Fatty McGoo.
I hate being that kid in class who has the squeaky chair because I can’t concentrate.
All I can think about is how squeaky the chair is and how much I wish I had a different chair that wasn’t as squeaky.
Then I can’t help but wonder if it could be me who’s causing the chair to squeak.
Am I really so huge that I make equipment come off its hinges?
A chair squealing is worse than just breaking something with your weight. It’s like you’re torturing this poor, innocent chair that really cries out in pain every time you move in it, as if to remind you how much you’re hurting it.
I’m sorry, chairs, but maybe you should just be able to handle a woman of my gadunkadonk stature.
Tuesday
Go to Kelley Auditorium at 8:30 p.m. to see improvisational comedy. Also, today is Carl XVI Gustav’s 61st birthday and he is the king of Sweden and his first name is the same as my father’s who is of Danish decent so he could be somehow distantly and diplomatically related to Gustav which makes me a possible princess and a total badass.
See, you learned something from Calendar City yet again.
You’re welcome.
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
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