Wednesday
This week marks a momentous occasion in the land of Calendar City. If Calendar City was a real geographical location, there would probably be an earthquake...or at least a parade. Maybe the people of Calendar City would have such an incredible parade that it would cause an earthquake. That would be the most likely scenario if Calendar City actually existed.
I could also see it being a colder city, where most people have to wear jackets and have the option of wearing hats but don’t always have to wear hats but some people wear hats just to look fashionable and everybody thought they looked fashionable but the hat-people were actually just masking hidden insecurities about their hair color, length, cut or style.
But back to the monumental occasion. This week is officially the 50th Calendar City I’ve written.
50! So few people ever get a chance to celebrate the 50th of anything! I am so excited right now!
It’s like the golden anniversary between me and the newspaper. It kind of makes me feel sentimental.
I know it’ll be a cold day in hell when I celebrate 50 years of marriage to the same person, so if I personify the newspaper, it’s almost like spending 50 weeks with the same person...and that’s an accomplishment for a woman of my indecisive, alpha-female persuasion.
Speaking of my numerous love interests at any given time, “A Few Good Men” will play in Tucker’s Lounge at 8 p.m.
Thursday
Hey, I’d take a few good men over the seemingly numerous, countless shmucks I’ve got to deal with every day--am I right, ladies? Okay? Yeeaaaah. Uh huh, girlfriend. You said it. That’s right.
“Freedom Writers” plays tonight at 11 p.m. in the GSC Theater. I’ll probably be going because there will be cute boys and I love to sit by myself and giggle at the cute boys and pretend they’re flirting back with me and I can see who they’re sitting with and see if we have a mutual friend and I can use that mutual friend to look them up on Facebook and then I can look at their pictures and see what a cute couple we’d make! Teeheehee!
Friday
Wait...what? I meant, um, girl power! Of course, or whatever.
Anyway, to honor 50 weeks with Calendar City, I decided to do a little research on the history of Calendar City.
Of course I conducted this “research” in proper Calendar City function by simply taking a couple minutes to wander around the office and see what junk I can pretend has value and meaning.
Lo and behold, I came across a 1987 issue of the Newswire in which the back page was simply a calendar. No jokes. No wit. No creepy innuendos. No nothin’.
The audacity.
Just imagine turning to the back page of your paper to simply see a set of dates with actual events going on around campus...it makes me sick to my stomach.
But who thought about turning this page into a “city”? Who thought about hiring burnt-out, rambling, nonsensical bums who have nothing of particular importance to say?
Why am I here? Why are you there? Who am I? Who are you?
Who is that man who stares at me every morning through my window and runs off when I make eye contact?
Can I name him Harry?
Are you listening, calendar god? If so, send me a prophet who looks exactly like Brad Pitt but is madly in love with me...and it will be good.
Saturday
If weather prevented you from achieving your life-long goal of skydiving last Saturday, I’ll bet you’re still in luck.
My intution tells me there will be people meeting at Kuhlman circle around 8 a.m. to skydive somewhere in the Cincinnati area today.
Then again, my intuition also tells me that I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell, which is a completely stolen and over-used line from a hilarious SNL sketch. I don’t know what’s real anymore.
I do know that the very real improvisational comedy group “Don’t Tell Anna” has a free show tonight in Kelley Auditorium at 9 p.m.
Sunday
Today is Earth Day. I have a very hard time taking this day seriously. How am I supposed to be thankful for something that sometimes allows it to rain and when I walk in the puddles my socks get wet and I feel very uncomfortable for at least an hour afterwards? Not very thoughtful, planet Earth.
Also, if you switch the “e” with “f” and lose the “h” you’ve got the word FART! HA! FART DAY!
Monday
I’ve written this column 50 times and I’m still making fart jokes. At least I didn’t end that day with my original inclination, “POOP!”
Hahaha, shoot. There it is on paper and it’s so freaking funny. My goodness.
OK, OK, OK. I’m more clever than an eight-year-old. Surely I can think of wittier comments than simply bathroom humor.
From 7-8:30 p.m. in the Schiff Family Conference Center, Paul Farmer will be speaking. He’s an amazing man with an inspirational message and you should make every effort to be there to listen to him.
Oh, right, joke time...um...hey, the Shiff Family Conference Center, eh? My goodness. It must be a really big family if you need a whole conference center to accommodate them! I mean, I wonder what the GROCERY bills are like!
Right? The GROCERY bills? Ha? Expensive...probably. Yeah.
Tuesday
Monkey pooh. Fat guy in a little coat. Christopher Walken reading children’s stories.
That was scary there for a moment. I thought maybe I’d lost my edge.
ve finally become too mature for this position and will no longer resort to stupid, childish, colloquial, moderately inappropriate phrases for a meaningless laugh...
Or maybe that’s what your mom said last night! Hiyooooooo!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
Advertising Manager Full list of staff contacts www.xu.edu/newswire
