Wednesday
Just when you thought it was safe to walk on campus, think again. For you lucky upperclassmen who thought you were escaping the dangers of walking alone late at night in Norwood because you got to stay on campus...I’ve got news for you.
Yesterday, while walking back from Gallagher to my humble abode across Dana Avenue, I heard something unusual.
Yes, unusual.
Those pointless interjections, by the way, are to build up suspense for this intensely scary story.
And also to take up space because I don’t have that much to say.
Nevertheless, as I glided elegantly by a giant vent right next to Gallagher, I heard a strange noise. It sounded like somebody was scraping a wall really loudly with a saw or something saw-like.
When I looked at the vent and realized it was actually big enough to hold a human body...or two.
I quickly glanced inside only to see it was extremely deep and looked as if it led to the nether-regions of Xavier University.
I didn’t need to look any longer. I knew exactly what was going on. It was as clear as my skin after a long, sunless winter.
Somebody, or thing, had escaped from an underground bomb-shelter from the 1950s and had almost tunneled his/her/its way to civilization. It was so obvious!
I’ll bet that somebody wasn’t Steve Chabot, who will be having a talk on the Iraq War at 7 p.m. in Kelley.
Thursday
The sawing sound unnerved me, believe it or not, and I sprinted all the way back to my apartment.
Actually, I sprinted back to Dana Avenue, waited about 28 minutes for the traffic to clear just enough for me to haphazardly dash across the street singing religious hymns in hope of preserving my life, and then sprinted to my apartment.
Speaking of singing and sweating profusely, tonight is the opening night of the Xavier Singers’ show “Decades” in the GSC Theater at 7:30 p.m.
The longer I reflected on the noise, the more I wished I had stuck around to greet the creature and welcome it back to civilization.
Friday
Who knows what it could have been! It could have been one of those cute, hairy, yet cuddly creatures from Fraggle Rock that I adored when I was a child. I could have called him Dodo.
It could have been the female smurf finally escaped from the chauvanistic and unbalanced smurfland looking for a nice place to crash for a while. I could have called her Smurfette.
Maybe the noise could have been coming from a creepy superhero who can see into seven dimensions and has blonde hair, a tan suit and a briefcase and goes around screaming profanities at people and glaring for no particular reason and had somehow made his way into the piping system of Xavier University to see if it was as conformist as the student population seems to be, only to realize that not only do all pipes look the same but he was stuck and had to use the saw he always carries in his briefcase to create a series of holes to climb up to safety.
I could have called him Seven-Dimension man and followed him to the ends of the earth.
Hindsight is always 20/20, I guess. Unless you’re Seven-Dimension man. Then your hindsight is like 10/8/3/14/27...and stuff.
Or whatever.
Yeah...that.
The Singers’ show “Decades” is still going on tonight at 7:30 p.m. in the GSC Theater.
Saturday
If you’re one of those “ambitious people” who likes to “live life to its fullest” and “get the most out of every day,” the thought of skydiving may have crossed your mind.
Today would be a great day to do such a liberating activity. I’m sure if you looked hard enough, you’d find plenty of people who are willing to share that dream with you on this particular day.
So quit your worrying and whining and get to it.
If you can’t get yourself to jump out of that plane, just imagine Seven-Dimension man is standing right behind you. Trust me, you’ll move quicker than you ever imagined possible.
Sunday
Today is Leonardo DaVinci’s 555th birthday. To honor him, I scribed this haiku:
You are a very smart.
You are a ninja turtle.
You kick butt in blue.
Thank you, thank you. It’s really the least I could do to preserve the sacred memory of such a towering genius who contriubted so much to nearly every aspect of modern society.
Monday
Today is the final day you can withdraw from classes. You get a big ol’ “W” on your transcript if you withdraw at this point. You can tell your parents that it stands for “Wonderful!” or “Wowza!” and that you did so well the teacher couldn’t even think of degrading you by sticking with the standard letter system.
Trust me. It worked on my parents. They ate up every word of it, and loved to hear my tales of how smart I was compared to the rest of the class while I scrubbed every inch of my home with nothing but a tiny toothbrush and a dixie cup of water.
Today would be Selena Quintanilla’s 36th birthday, if Dios hadn’t gotten so anxious to have her angelic voice back with him.
¡Ay, qué lástima! ¡Te quiero St. Selena…te extraño!
If you’ve never heard Selena’s song “Biddi Biddi Bum Bum,” you’ve never lived.
Tuesday
Hahaha!!!! GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME!!!! Why, today is National Stress Awareness Day!!! Hahahahaha!!! I don’t know why anyone would ever think to create such a day for such a rare problem!!! Nobody I know is stressed!!! Stressed?! NO WAY!!! EVERYTHING IS JUST PEACHY!!! Pee-Eee-Ay-Chee!!! RIGHT?! A-OK OVER HERE!!! Yes, sir ree!!! Not a thing to worry about in all the world!!! How FANTASTIC!!! Hahahahaaa!!!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
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