Wednesday
Spring means many new and exciting changes on this campus.
For one thing, it means I can show off more of my gloriously pale skin with less clothing.
It also means my rather embarrassing habit of staring out the window and pretending I know how to speak to the birds out on the trees and pretending they love to gossip with me and pretending we’re all friends is a bit more justified since there will actually be birds chirping on trees. Then everybody can see me chit-chatting with actual birds rather than staring longingly at an empty tree, waiting for somebody to listen…
But at Xavier University, spring has one more meaning beyond all this silly hype. It means the thieves are at their best. At first I didn’t really believe all the stories of things getting stolen from houses all over Norwood. I thought if people were simply more careful and locked up their houses, there would be nothing to worry about.
Alas, I was wrong. Very wrong.
Even in our fair Village Apartments, people are becoming delirious enough in this glorious weather to steal anything in sight. In our dear Village Apartments, people have decided it would be a good idea to take toilet paper from the bathroom stalls by the laundry room, doing whatever it takes to get at that precious toilet paper.
Well, quit it, you jerk. I don’t want to get some stupid fine because you’re a lazy shmuck who won’t buy toilet paper. I will find you.
Thursday
Tonight is the opening night of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” in the GSC Theater at 7:30 p.m. It’s Shakespeare with a sultry, sassy, Spanish twist. Think Jewel’s poetry meets Shakira’s dance moves meets Shirley Temple’s curls.
Yeah, that hot.
There are some emotional moments, too, so if you happen to have a great deal of toilet paper stolen from the Village, I suggest you bring it so you can wipe your eyes during the emotional points.
Like the point at which I punch you in the face for getting a pointless fine on account of your debauchery.
That’s a good scene.
Friday
I should let all this frustration with the thievery of this campus go. It’s harming nobody but myself…yet…
I understand the people who are dumb enough to steal aren’t the dear intelligent Calendar Citizens who loyally read this column.
If not, now you know I’m onto you so I suggest you quit the debauchery immediately.
Or else.
I simply have no outlet for my anger! It’s either write this column, or buy a baseball bat, sleep with it, and if anyone comes near me in the night, swing at them once I see the whites of their eyes.
The writing idea is mine.
The bat is a Norwood police officer’s solution to being robbed.
Thank you, Norwood, for your incredible dedication to law and order.
If you missed it yesterday, “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” will be playing again in the GSC Theater at 7:30 p.m.
If you missed the show because you were busy living out “A Mid-spring Night’s Nightmare” by being stuck living in an unsafe neighborhood without proper police protection or competence, I forgive you.
If you just found out your cat has 24 hours to live, I don’t forgive you. Cats suck.
So get your glorious, voluptuous, recently-slapped tookus over to see the show.
Saturday
Somewhere around this campus, there will be a vegetarian cooking class sponsored by Advocates for Animals at Xavier.
I, too, love animals. Just the other day I realized how much I want a pet unicorn.
I could love it and ride it and pet it and groom it and play with it and name it J’taivious.
J’taivious and I would be best friends, you see. We would giggle for hours upon end about how much fun we have playing together!
Then one day, J’taivious would tell me how sad it was being the only unicorn left on the planet, and we would share a solemn moment together.
Sunday
J’taivious would probably shed a tear or two before we would both decide crying wasn’t the answer. We’d then set out on a magical coming-of-age journey that would later be made into a made-for-TV movie on “Lifetime.” Afterwards, we’d both be national celebrities and sign many autographs. It would be the happiest time in my life.
Last night to go see “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” Do it.
Monday
Yesterday was April Fool’s Day.
It was also Sunday.
It was NOT Groundhog’s Day…at least not in the 47 continental United States.
Yes, there are 47 continental United States.
It’ll be a warm day in Antarctica before I consider Maine a part of the United States.
Read it and weep, you Maine-ers. I’ll maine your family so maine-ly you won’t know which way is Maine and which way is Canadia.
Yeah, Canadia. It’s different from Canada. Canada is a land of peace and funny accents. Canadia is a made up land of unicorns and caring Norwood police.
The first Tuesday in April calls for the traditional jitterbug competition. That means you’d better start preparing yourself today for this intense competition tomorrow. No more procrastination!
Tuesday
I hear this year’s competitors are better than ever, attacking the dance floor with each beat like it is a delicious piece of chicken just waiting to be seasoned. Ah, yes. Just thinking about my own jitterbug competitions from my childhood is making me all choked up now. Rule #1 in jitterbug competition: Every man for himself. Rule #2: Don’t kick until you see the whites of your partner’s eyes. Rule #3: There are no rules. Now…jitterbug!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
The Xavier Newswire 3800 Victory Parkway Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129 On-campus location: The Publications House, 3739 Ledgewood Dr. Telephone: 513.745.3607 Advertising: 513.745.3561 Fax: 513.745.2898 Email: John LaFollette
Editor-in-Chief Ellie Jaqueth
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