Wednesday
It seems the first few days back into classes after a short break always create a buzzing excitement through campus.
People come back with stories of what they did, who they met, what huge prizes they may have amazingly won on the “Price is Right,” and all sorts of other incredible tales of triumph and tragedy.
Well, I’ve got plenty to share, too, so listen up...and if you don’t want to listen, then just go away! I can’t take anymore teenage angst and heartbreak!
Speaking of teenage angst and heartbreak, Taylor Hanson turns 24 today.
Speaking of names I loosely associate with myself, the movie “Hoosiers” will be playing at 8 p.m. in Tucker’s Lounge in Brockman.
Speaking of uncleanliness and little children, I think babysitters should get a bonus if a child spends the entire time screaming and sobbing on their arm. Either that or a stronger wooden plank to teach the little brat a lesson.
Speaking of absolutely awful ideas, I recently learned about a phenomenon called “Ghost Ridin’” where a driver is supposed to literally climb out of their car while it’s still running and dance on the hood. In the song, an actual suggestion is to “Get out the way, let Casper drive.”
If I truly believed Casper would take control of my car when I got out and started dancing on the hood, you bet your bottom dollar I’d be dancing on my hood every day.
Thursday
I would be especially excited if Casper turned into the young boy portrayed in the 1995 movie “Casper” by professional studmuffin Devon Sawa.
Unfortuately, I know Devon Sawa would never somehow magically take the wheel if I were to be dancing on the hood of my car while it was driving. That would mean somebody somehow magically found him in my super secret dungeon cave of love and somehow magically figured out the combination to every one of his strategically placed protective chains.
AND THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!!! RIGHT!?!? AM I RIGHT!?!?!?
Creepy?
Only if you actually believe in ghost stories.
Friday
Creepy.
*Cough*Cough*
I’m gonna be honest. I’ve joked about a lot of things in this column from cannibalism to meeting dead presidents, but I hadn’t yet reached the kidnapping-and-holding-a-boy-toy-hostage stage.
This is a monumental occasion for me. I’d like to take a moment to revel in this new frontier that’s finally been crossed.
Mostly, I kind of weirded even myself out and I’m not sure what a proper “transition” would be from such bizarre-ness.
How ‘bout that local sports team, eh? They’re really looking stellar this year.
Yep, I think them old boys may finally get somewhere this year, what with the way we’re playin’.
Yep. Sure do.
Man! Every time I try to change the subject, my eyes keep wandering back to the words in capital letters in the previous column and I get all tingly and wanna curl up in fetal position, suck on my thumb and hold my favorite comfort item.
Maybe after watching the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” at 11 p.m. in the GSC Theater, I could actually return to some semblance of reality.
Maybe, maybe not.
Talk about something that’ll haunt me for years.
[Insert chills down spine here.]
Saturday
I don’t know why I would even bother typing anything to do in this particular day. It’s friggin’ St. Patrick’s day in Cincinnati on a Catholic campus. If you’re genuinely looking for something to do, I suggest you tell someone that you’re bored.
You’ll either get a plethora of options to rid yourself of that boredom in relatively fast, high-calorie ways, or you’ll get slapped in the face.Either one you’ll deserve.
If you’re one of the unfortunate few with so-called “responsibilities” today, blame it on the potato famine. I love potatoes. They’re yummy. Especially when fried. Anything fried, really. Mmmmm.
Sunday
Deborah E. Lipstadt will be speaking at 7 p.m. in the Schiff Family Conference Center. She will likely be pausing between speaking. She’ll be speaking and pausing. Those two are guaranteed.
I don’t know that for a fact. I don’t know anything for a fact.I don’t even know if the sun will rise tomorrow. The only thing I do know is my mindless rambling has finally filled up this entire column.
Monday
This week marks the beginning of SAC-sponsored Women’s Week. In a non-stereotypical fashion at all, the first day is lovingly called “Girl Power!” There will be a weight-lifting competition of sorts on the greenspace. The winner gets a cash prize and a limousine ride for her and a few friends.
I just want to warn anyone even remotely interested in this competition that I have been practicing for years for this moment to shine.
I suggest none of you ladies even so much as try to come near the greenspace to lift a thing because I will kick your scrawny tookus.
If you somehow manage to cheat and beat me in this competition, you best believe I will be waiting at the limousine for the limousine ride you won with your friends.
I will lift the limo and chuck it at a passing bus.
It will hurt.
You’ve been warned.
Tuesday
In honor of Women’s Week, I will be holding my own gossip circle tonight for anyone who is interested.
We’ll be meeting in Gallagher Student Center right in front of the doors to giggle and make fun of every single person who walks in.
After that, we can pick a poor soul and decide what creative ways we can make their life a living hell. Making life hard for people is so fun! Try it today free of charge!
Briana Hansen
Calendar City Editor
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