Wednesday

Have you ever had one of those days where you don’t believe what day of the week it is? I mean more than, “Wow, it’s Thursday already?” or “I can’t believe another Monday!” Those are too common.

I’m talking about a day in which you look at the calendar and look at your watch and you look at every news article and your cell phone and every possible date-tracking device you have available, but no matter what you do you remain incredulous about the date.
That’s how I feel today.

All day, every time I think about the date, simply the number and month put together, I am shocked.

I have no explanation for this. In fact, I’m describing it like it’s something that happens to a lot of people when I think this is probably the first time it’s ever happened to me.

I’ve been walking around hoping to goodness nobody asks me for today’s date. A part of me is convinced that if they do ask and I tell them, they’d look at me for a moment and then start laughing in my face really loudly and obnoxiously, making a great scene.

They would then pull aside the next person they saw and tell them what date I said and the two would laugh and I would blush and try to run away but my legs wouldn’t work and my eyes wouldn’t work and then I would hear the laughter and the people poking and taunting me until I opened my eyes and my boyfriend, Lil Bow Wow, would be singing to me next to an oak tree and...

...I think I need more sleep.

Thursday

I’m going to type everything in this column at super-duper-fast-lightning speed! Ready?

At 12:30 p.m. at Bellarmine Chapel, the XU Women’s Chorus will be performing.

At 7 p.m., Rick Sowash will be speaking on the 10th floor of Schott Hall.

At 7:30 p.m., the chamber Orchestra will perform a concert in Bellarmine Chapel.

Aaaaaaaand...done!

Aren’t you impressed? I’ll bet you’ve never seen anyone type as fast as I just did. Man, it was like my fingers were moving faster than the speed of light! I’m so glad we got to share that experience!

Friday

Today is the last day of classes before the much-needed, much-anticipated, much-awaited, much-debated, much-prettier than its much-older sister, much-loved Spring Break.

For those of you who are going on an Alternative Break, there is a kickoff party of food, fun and games at 5:30 p.m. in the Armory. Summer trips are welcome, but will be greatly discriminated against.
I recently read something.

I’m allowing that sentence to stand alone because it is so monumental for me.

OK, moving on, I recently read an article in the Cincinnati Enquirer entitled, “Study: College students’ narcissism on the rise.” The article was basically describing how college students are more self-assured and self-confident than ever before.

The article argues that this is a bad thing and that our parents shouldn’t have told us we were “special” so many times during our formative years because, dagnabit, we actually believe it.

Although I have numerous problems with this article, mostly because I’m so intelligent, witty and gorgeous and keen and playful and blonde and tan and perfectly-shaped and famous and rich, I don’t have the time to talk about it right now. I’ve got to get to my monthly liposuction-collagen-breast increase with my way hot mother.

Saturday

Speaking of narcisisstic, today is Benjamin Harrison Day. What a stud he was. I’ve heard quite a few rumors about that handsome quasi-Hoosier President in his younger and more dashing days.

Rumors are a funny thing. I can say I’ve heard anything, type it, and make you think I might actually believe it. Well, if you believe everything you read, then read on because I’ve got some juicy oh-so-true gossip for you!

Did you know he stole his eyebrows from a bear? His real name was Al. Also, he didn’t know how to spell the word “serendipity.” Oh! And he ate a dodo bird for breakfast every day. And he smelled.

Sunday

Bill Clinton Shmill Shmlinton. If you even knew half the stories I have for you about Benjamin Harrison...boy...we could write a cheap dimestore novel, give the story to the newsies to sell in the papes and we could be rich! Rich I tells ya!

Too bad yesterday was Benjamin Harrison Day. I guess we’ve got to wait one more year before I divulge anymore of my detailed President Harrison knowledge.

Monday

Just think, Calendar citizens, normally at this time, you would be sitting in a long, tedious lecture with a moody professor.

I’m not at all trying to bash the majority of fantastic, enthusiastic, isnpiring professors I’ve encountered on this campus. I’m merely trying to point out the awkwardness when a professor’s mood affects the entire class.

When I walk into a long, boring lecture class and the professor is in a bad mood, it makes me realize how much worse an angry, long, boring lecture is than just a normal long boring lecture.

So, to all the moody professors on this campus, I send you this one reminder. We, your students, are not your children, so please don’t lecture us like we are. I will respond like I do with my own parents, by only contacting you for money and sending constant brochures about cheap, elderly living communities.

Tuesday

I really wish popular songs would spend more time thinking about their lyrics. The beats are so catchy and fun to dance to, but if I hear one more conversation in which somebody describes something as “delicious,” and another incredibly clever person answers, “Why, it’s fergilicious!” I promise there will be serious repercussions. Think Miami University meets Compton meets American Gladiators. Oh, yeah. That bad.

Contact Info

Briana Hansen
Calender City Editor

The Xavier Newswire
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129

On-campus location:
The Publications House,
3739 Ledgewood Dr.

Telephone: 513.745.3607
Advertising: 513.745.3561
Fax: 513.745.2898