Wednesday

I’ve realized that this column could be interpreted week by week as little more than a way to make fun of people I encounter. It could be seen as an opportunity to constantly lash out and make fun of others rather than poking fun at myself.

Though I often poke exaggerated fun at myself, I have decided on a different tactic this week. In an effort to prove my inhibitions about poking fun at myself, this week’s Calendar City will be entirely dedicated to completely true stories about my quirky personality and plentifully awkward situations.

I truly believe no situation should go without being laughed at in some capacity and have absolutely no qualms about calling myself out for ridiculous and often hidden personal memories.

Therefore, everything I write this week, amazingly, will be completely true. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ridiculousness of my most embarrassing moments.

Oh, there will be an International Coffee Hour at 3:30 p.m. on the 10th floor of Schott Hall. In case you’re interested.

I have played in the band since I was in fourth grade and attended band camp every summer until I was a freshman in high school. As in completely nerdy and socially inept real life band camp. The highlight of the week was the concert to show off for our parents. Some summers, I went to back-to-back band camps.

I thought I was so cool when I switched from the clarinet to the saxophone. So cool.

Thursday

At 7 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium, the movie “When the Levees Broke” will be playing.

At 7:30 p.m. in Albers 103, a lecture by the famous and talented Dr. Likith V. Reddy will take place.

In sixth grade, I bought two tickets to see my favorite performer, Lauryn Hill. I took my father to the concert. People were smoking weed in front of us and I was scared I would get high off the fumes.

After watching “Grease” in my younger years, I would dress up in an all black outfit with big poofy hair and walk around my house smoking a pen for a cigarette and saying, “Tell me about it, stud” over and over again.

Friday

I am thoroughly convinced I will someday marry Jake Gyllenhaal.
If I couldn’t sleep at age five, I would make shadow puppets with the light from outside and have long conversations with them. They often made funny jokes.

If I couldn’t sleep at age eight, I would take out my “My Little Pony” dolls and make up elaborate story lines between the ponies that had to be resolved before bed.

If I couldn’t sleep at age 10, I would stomp, sigh and make screamingly frustrated noises all around the upstairs until my dad would wake up and tell me bedtime stories about an elf named Magic Buns and his elf chief, Turtle Man. I hated being the only person who was awake in the house.

I am a lifetime member of Girl Scouts. I own every Babysitter’s Club doll. My favorite American Girl was always Samantha, and I never really liked Felicity because she was the newcomer trying to steal Samantha’s thunder.

Every day of my freshman year in high school, my eyeshadow matched the color of my shirt.

In fourth grade, I was told that the song “The Sign” by Ace of Base was “probably not my song” by my voice instructor. In eighth grade I figured out that meant I don’t have a great singing voice.

I used scotch tape to keep my glasses together in fourth grade.

Saturday

At one point in middle school, I would only listen to rap music. One day the local station had a competition for movie preview tickets for the 16th caller. I called and an excited voice answered, asking, “Who is this?” and “Do you know what number caller you are?” I was doing fine with the questioning until I was asked, “What side of town you callin’ from?”

I had never really thought about it, so I answered, “Downtownish, I guess. Kind of north. Yeah, just barely north of the city.” The voice paused and answered, “You’re the 15th caller” and hung up.

I later learned the correct answer was “Westsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.”

Sunday

A talk on “War in the World Today: Beyond Winning or Losing” will take place in Cintas today at 1 p.m.

I put my own screen name on my AIM buddy list for no particularly rational reason. When I put up away messages, I click on my own screen name and check to see in a different perspective what the away message I clearly just typed looks like.

I don’t know why I do that.

Monday

From 7 p.m. until 10 p.m. tonight, and the same time and place tomorrow, auditions for the Student written/directed/produced show, “Workshop,” will take place in and around the GSC Theater.

I was obsessed with Jonathan Taylor Thomas when I was younger. I was given his year-long calendar of pictures at Christmas one year and loved it. I used to cut his pictures out of teeny-bopper magazines and put them up on my wall.

When “The Lion King” came out, part of its original appeal to me was JTT as the young lion. I thought his voice was so sexy.

I have seen the movie “The Buttercream Gang” easily 40-50 times and can recite almost every line. I still find it hilarious.

I was once told that if I lifted something heavy or stayed on the toilet too long after flushing, my entire uterus would fall out. I believed it for years.

Tuesday

My first “official” boyfriend once told me, “Your hair smells like shampoo” as a compliment and was dead serious about it.

At one point or another, I had a crush on almost every single one of my guy friends in high school.

To this day, I blush, get butterflies and freeze up when the guy I have a crush on says “Hi” to me.

Even though I’m out of space, know that there’s plenty more where that came from, baby.

Contact Info

Briana Hansen
Calender City Editor

The Xavier Newswire
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129

On-campus location:
The Publications House,
3739 Ledgewood Dr.

Telephone: 513.745.3607
Advertising: 513.745.3561
Fax: 513.745.2898