Wednesday

Usually when I sit down to write these few columns, I have prepared myself for each of the events in the upcoming days. I meticulously go through the university calendars, Gallagher, portal announcements, emails, you name it. I write them all down in a green notebook and try to visualize what exactly I may write about those events the next day.

Sometimes there’s nothing going on around campus. For those unfortunate times, I make sure I still have something moderately valid to say. I look up bizarre holidays, birthdays or something interesting that happened on this day in history.

I try to never have a dull moment in Calendar City! Plenty of work and preparation for you, the people.

This issue, however, will not be so happy-go-lucky. Tuesday, the day this paper gets written, is a snow day. Nobody should be doing anything important, yet we are. I suppose people need their fake news and angry rantings in order for their week to be complete, even amidst intolerable weather emergencies.

So, as I sit here bringing you the noise and a little of the funk for this week, know that I have no trusty green notebook by my side to guide me with the week’s events or fun facts.

I was just thankful to somehow leave my safe, warm apartment and trudge through the horrible weather conditions to make it to my trusty computer. I didn’t think to bring any semblance of preparation because it might hold me back from the bitterness that’s about to ensue.

Thursday

The only people who don’t make me angry today are the hard-working members of Xavier’s Physical Plant. I mean that in all honesty. As I was walking out of my apartment, I saw the sidewalks paved, the street cleared and the adorable golf carts parked in various spots around campus.

For a moment, it put everything in perspective. I realized how fortunate I was to have the chance to sleep in through the worst parts of the weather and only go outside to get from one warm location to another. A feeling of pure gratitude overcame me and I almost smiled.

Instead, I stepped in a puddle, cursed and grumbled to myself.

Friday

This whole working on a snow day fiasco makes me want to bite someone out of rage.
I just want to take someone by the face and attack them so that they end up with purple bruises on their lips for days. Maybe they could even have bite marks on their ear.

I’m not talking creepy vampire-style biting. I simply mean angry face biting. I hear it’s all the rage in Europe.

If I were really bit by someone hard enough to leave bruises on my face, I wonder how I would attempt to explain it. I’d probably be somewhat embarrassed about the whole situation. Nobody would ever believe me.

I mean, honestly, who bites another person and bruises them? Who does that?

I’d change the story to say I’d been attacked by a panther. Or maybe I’d say mauled by a bear. Or even better, pounced on by a tiger.

Really, I could claim to have been attacked by any dangerous woodland creature because I’d have the physical remnants on my face for days to prove that I had survived something absolutely atrocious.

If people actually believed my ridiculous tales, I might be able to take my deep, dark secret of being bit by a person to my grave. That is, of course, unless my friend who writes for the paper decides to dedicate an entire column to it.

Saturday

The only thing more embarrassing than being bit would be to admit you were the biter. It’s one thing to walk around with bruises on your face trying to explain mistakes made on a late weekend night, but it’s an entirely different shame to know that you bruised another person without even realizing it.

I wouldn’t want anyone else with whom I may work to know about it. If they did know something about it, I would hope they were mature enough to respect my privacy and not publish it for the whole world to read.

I would, of course, never accuse another of such ridiculous acts. I’m not one to judge.

Sunday

Tonight at 7:30 p.m., the Xavier Players will present “Overtones/Bert’s Golf Pants,” a show consisting of two one-act plays in the Studio Theater. The show actually began on Thursday at the same time and played Friday and Saturday. Today was just the first day I got around to mentioning it. Sorry.

I got stuff to do, y’all. No need to bite my head off. No need for biting at all, really.

Monday

There was also a Late Night Snack featuring delicious Wendy’s food last Thursday at 10 p.m. If you were hungry then, you should have gone. If you’re hungry now, um, there’s always your roommate’s face you could taste just to see...

I am certainly not advocating any sort of cannibalism. That’s disgusting. I mean, you could just go for a little nibble. See what it’s like to treat another person like a piece of meat. It could be fun!

The more I think about it, which is often because of the hilarious truth behind this column’s inspirational story, the more I’ve warmed up to the idea of biting another.

I’ll venture a guess that even innocent Charlotte from “Charlotte’s Web” bit a person at one point in her life. She was a spider! She must have! Everybody makes mistakes. If Charlotte can bite, people should be allowed without society shunning them for the freaks they are.

Tuesday

Maybe this Tuesday will be different.

Maybe we can all experience a day without responsibilities or a care in the world, with nothing but delicious cookies, muffins and friendship to fulfill our waking hours.

And maybe, just maybe, we can be filled with love, peace, acceptance and understanding.

And maybe you can just bite me because that’s not happening while I’m around, baby. No way.

Contact Info

Briana Hansen
Calender City Editor

The Xavier Newswire
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129

On-campus location:
The Publications House,
3739 Ledgewood Dr.

Telephone: 513.745.3607
Advertising: 513.745.3561
Fax: 513.745.2898