Published since 1915 by the students
of Xavier University
Wednesday
I had a dream last night that this entire page was already written for the week.
All I had to do was sit down and print it out. I was delighted, in my dream, when I looked through each day and saw something new and clever written. I remember Saturday was particularly funny, too.
I actually believed that at some point I had already updated everything in these columns and hadn’t a responsibility in the world.
The worst part of the story is how long it took me to realize that I at no point had been near the Publications House to write. I sat in my first class this morning feeling really relieved and imagining myself taking a nice, long nap after a hard day.
After waking up at 7:30ish a.m., I brushed my teeth, ate breakfast, walked to class, paid attention in class, grabbed a newspaper, read part of the newspaper, went to another class, ate a bagel, called my father, chatted with friends, took a quiz, and BAM!
The harsh realization that it was all a dream suddenly pained me almost as badly as the time a dead wasp whose stinger still worked stung right in belly button while I was playing in the kiddie pool, innocently splashing around having the time of my life.
You don’t become this bitter and jaded to all living creatures overnight, people.
It takes practice!
Practice and, of course, years of freakish, unfortunate accidents and lots of grudge-holding.
Thursday
A van driver training session will be held today in Flynn Hall from 6:30-8 p.m. If you need to be trained to drive a big van for an Alternative Break or something, here’s your first chance.
I need to learn how to drive a big van so I can take out all my aggression on the road, yelling at other drivers because they always listen to me, apologize, and drive better thanks to my helpful explative-filled advice.
Also, I need to know how to drive big cars so I can compensate for other attributes I have that may not be so big. People who drive large cars are always compensating for something.
Friday
I take back Thursday’s comments. I don’t want to learn how to drive a van. I don’t care. Cars, in general, have been getting more and more on my nerves recently.
As if sprinting across Dana Avenue a few times per day praying I can outrun oncoming traffic wasn’t enough, the breaking point came when I saw a girl get hit by a car while sprinting across the street.
Hit. BY A CAR.
My group finally left after helping her as much as possible, but she likely broke her entire right side of the body from her hip and below.
True story!
That’s why I propose we create legislation to mandate turbo jetpacks instead of cars.
I know what you’re thinking and no, I am not part of some huge, secret jetpack conspiracy organization that’s been actively trying for years to normalize the use of the jetpack in everyday situations under the leadership of a man named Walter and his wife Gloria who makes the best jambalaya a yankee can ever hope to experience north of the Mason-Dixon line.
I’m just a classy dame with a dream of a car-free future and an overwhelming love for turbo jetpacks.
In the GSC at 9 p.m., Irish music will be playing. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s not like you’ve got anything to do. It’s worth a shot!
Saturday
Man, I really wish I could remember what I wrote in this column in my dream. I giggled while I was writing it and thought it was hilarious.
Maybe whatever it is I wrote about will come back to me after attending the Crosstown Helpout at 8 a.m. in Cintas Center.
Even if I did have something great to say hidden deep in my subconscious, Matt Finger’s incessant, opinionated, loud talking two feet from me won’t stop for long enough for me to try to formulate anything near a coherent thought.
Less talky, Mattypooh, and more writey. Less talky, more writey...
I said more writey!
Sunday
A week ago today, a miracle happened. No, I’m not talking about Celine Dion having another child at age 89.
I’m talking about the glory of the Colts winning the Superbowl. Since football is America’s favorite sport and America is the most powerful country in the world, by logical deduction, as a Colts fan, I am now the most powerful person on the planet Earth. Take that, Mr. Gates.
Monday
Wow, I’m worn out by the wonderful waltzes of work, walking, and whining awaiting me this week.
David Hollenbach will be speaking on human rights from 7-9 p.m. tonight in the Schiff Family Conference Center. That’s all I’ve got.
Even though I may not know what to write about, I know what I’m not going to write about, and that’s little shoutouts to my homies over here or my ladies over there.
Every week, I get a lot of requests to be the subject of part of this column. Sometimes it’s a birthday, a funny quote or an inside joke between two people I don’t know.
Whatever it is, people want it published and ask the chick with the fake column and fake news to write in their corny messages.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have a journalistic integrity to uphold and I am not going to sink so low as to fill this page with silly references or insignificant birthdays.
Tuesday
From 7-9 p.m., a “How Do We Solve America’s Addiction to Oil” discussion will take place in the Schiff Family Conference Center.
With all that boring stuff out of the way, I wanna send a shoutout to my girl Delilah and her boy Blue! Hey girl! Hey Blue! Oh, and Frank--I got those buttons you ordered. And happy birthday Reginold Arthur...party at your place right, baby? “Don’t forget the cake!” HAHAH!!! THE CAKE!!! You so crazy.
Briana Hansen 
Calender City Editor
The Xavier Newswire
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129
On-campus location:
The Publications House,
3739 Ledgewood Dr.
Telephone: 513.745.3607
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