Wednesday

Though it may make me seem paranoid, especially after last week’s admitted fear of people hiding in the bushes around campus, I’m fairly certain that the Publications House is haunted. And by fairly certain, I mean I know for a fact it’s haunted. And by know for a fact, I mean fairly certain.

The point is it gives me the “it-feels-like-someone’s-watching-me-at-all-times-and-it-makes-me-so-nervous-I-want-to-pee-myself-but-if-it’s-a-real-person-that-would-be-really-embarrassing-so-I’ll-try-to-hold-it-whoops-too-late-oh-God” chills. You know the kind.

Even as I sit here in this room alone at the computer with the sun shining brightly, I keep hearing different noises all around the house, which is not uncommon. I almost always hear doors creak open or close on their own, things fall without a seeming purpose, or see shadowy figures standing in the doorway saying, “Come play with us, friend. It’s bliss,” in childlike voices... just before they disappear.

Ordinarily, this column would describe all the different possibilities for events of the day. Like a certain coffee hour in GSC at 3:30 p.m.

But I will not be talking about that coffee hour. The sponsoring organization has rubbed me the wrong way and I am not a good enough person to forgive them. So listen up, ISS, I’m not gonna advertise your little event until you and I work out some beef. Wanna know my problem? Read on, Brutus. Read on.

Thursday

Now that I’ve got your attention, ISS, don’t think you’re getting out of this one easily. Oh, no. You’ll have to bear through all my mindless rambling each day of this week if you want to know my problem with you.

And you want to know my problem, baby. I know you want to know my problem. I know you know I want you to know my problem with you.

At least we’ve got that clear.

If you’re scared of my wrath, which you probably should be, I suggest you swing by GSC room 214 at 9 p.m. to worship with the Navigators. You never know what tomorrow may bring.

Friday

Whew! Thank goodness it’s the weekend! I’m so glad I can finally start to unwind and enjoy yet another exciting weekend with plenty of adventures. It’s almost like it’s a new me that wakes up on a Friday morning. I feel so fresh and alive and excited about all the possibilities! It’s as if all the problems and grudges from the week have seemingly worn off.

Yet, they haven’t.

Yes, International Student Services (not the other ISS), I’m still picking at this bone I’ve got with you. Once I finish all the delicious meat on this proverbial bone, you can bet I’m gonna figuratively use it to fictionally attack you in a non-aggressive way.

Luckily for the both of us, there are very few events advertised around campus this week so we can have some alone time.

During that alone time, which is actually more of me sitting alone in a haunted house scared to go to the bathroom--and in little need of a toilet--I hope you can see my glaring eyes, scrunched eyebrows and pouty, angry lips.

I’m glaring at you.

I guess I was trying to convey that in not so many words but sometimes I just get carried away with all the space I have to fill and I think that I have to type every disjointed nonsequiter that pops in my mind.

The point is, ISS, I’m ticked.

Saturday

The Annual Ski Trip will take place today at 8:30 p.m. until 2 a.m. Tickets are on sale throughout the week and are limited.

Oh, you wanna go, ISS? I’d like to see you try to get out of my sight, you generalized nonsensical organization I’m turning into a person for the sake of villian-ization.

Yeah, I said it.

You know I ’m not all anger and resentment, though that’s all I feel right now, thanks to you, dear ISS. Sometimes I do non-angry things.

Like today, I will be attending the Alternative Break Service Day which begins at 8:30 a.m. in the GSC food court. My bitterness will return after the provided lunch.

Sunday

In an effort to be the unbiased, integrity-filled, objective journalist I am, I will only say the following about the events of today:

Colts coltsing on the colts’ colts with colts. “Colts?!”colts said.

Colts,” the colts responded. Haha! Coltsy Coltsington is the coltsiest colt that ever a colt colted! Colts superbowling for the coltiest colt of the colts? Superbowling! Supercolt. Supercolting. Super. Colts.

Monday

After that short break, we return to our original story line starring the supervillian, ISS. If you don’t know by now, dear souls, I shall finally tell you what my problem is.

I was innocently looking at my portal announcements, which are plentiful since I subscribe to many different outlets in an attempt to continue to be the excellent best journalist ever with good grammar and stuff that I am. I looked at a portal announcement describing a supposed Super Bowl party. Innocent enough. I start taking down the information, wasting what could have been expensive ink. I get to the end of the advertisement and see a certain not-so-hidden post script saying, simply, “GO BEARS!!!”

You people make me sick.

How could you corrupt all these innocent people who want to learn about American culture by poisining their minds with that blasphemous talk? For shame, ISS. For shame.

Tuesday

It’s a good thing I’m not obsessive about an inexplicably addictive sport that drains tons of money from society which could be used towards more altrusitic social service causes. I’m glad I can put everything in perspective and wouldn’t let any one team consume my every waking hour. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to concentrate under the Bodhi tree and not move until Petyon Manning wears a giant, obnoxious-looking Super Bowl ring.

Contact Info

Briana Hansen
Calender City Editor

The Xavier Newswire
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129

On-campus location:
The Publications House,
3739 Ledgewood Dr.

Telephone: 513.745.3607
Advertising: 513.745.3561
Fax: 513.745.2898