Published since 1915 by the students
of Xavier University
Wednesday
When the sun comes out over a beautifully snowy landscape on a lazy afternoon, I can only think of one wish I have on this earth. That wish involves a certain shoot-’em-up-lotsa-guns game called “Rainbow 6: Las Vegas.”
I wish all the world were run like that game. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, maybe you should quit watching reruns of “Grey’s Anatomy” and start proving yourself on the virtual battlefield by shooting as many other virtual gamers as possible.
It’ll like -snort- make you the like, um, you know, coolest kid in all of school! Ladies love a man who can virtual game...believe me.
At 3:30 p.m., Student Organization of Latinos will sponsor the International Student Coffee Hour on the second floor of Gallagher. If you enjoy yourself, be sure and compliment the organization and all the people around you.
Why? Because I said so, you little questioning brat. Now shut your mouth, finish all the veggies on your plate and go to your room. I’ve had a long day at work and the last thing I want to have to do is defend myself at the dinner table.
I mean...I’m sorry, baby. You know Momma’s just stressed right now. You go ahead and ask your questions. They help fill up space in this column anyway. Don’t cry! You know what? Don’t worry about finishing those veggies. Let’s just get some ice cream and I’ll buy you that new kill-kill-die-die video game you wanted. Okaaaaay? Okay.
Thursday
The first monthly safety series workshop entitled “Workplace Violence” will take place today at noon in Flynn Hall.
I hope the next one is entitled, “How To Figure Out If There Really Is Someone Hiding In The Bushes As You Walk Along The Academic And Residence Malls And If There Is Someone, How To See If They’re Threatening Or Not And If They Are How To Fight Them So They’re Hurt Physically, Mentally, And Spiritually: An Introduction to the Controversial Three Pronged Method Of Self-Defense And Attack.”
Not that I’m overly paranoid or anything. Shut up, Richard.
Friday
Speaking of excessively long titles, Dr. Dawn O’Neal will present a lecture called “Behavioral and Fitness Consequences of Experimentally Elevated Testosterone in the Female Dark-Eyed Junco” at 1:30 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium.
And no, there will be no talk of the incredibly talented Cuban jazz harmonica player, Carlos del Junco, which is rare since that’s all I seem to hear about all day every day!
Has anyone else ever taken a moment to actually look at the catalogs in the bookstore? The ones with the 40-year-olds carrying backpacks, decked out in Xavier gear and laughing at what seems to be the funniest joke ever?
They make me more confused about who those people are and where they are instead of making me really excited to buy a bunch of gear with the university’s logo on it.
They should ask real-life Xavier students (like me) who model part-time (which I do) to use their exquisite, tan and fantastic features (which I have) and perfectly shaped bodies (again I’m qualified) to try and sell their clothing (which none of us need). Just a suggestion.
At 3 p.m., the A-10 Shootout Tournament will take place at O’Connor for a chance to prove yo’ ballin’ skillz and to possibly shoot at halftime of a basketball game, and even win lots of money.
Get you paid, bro.
Saturday
Today is Thomas Crapper day. Since this column was filled last week with mindless bathroom humor, I’ll keep my opinions on this celebration short and sweet. His name makes me think of a Spanish phrase that loses most of its delightful meaning when translated. It’s simply:
¡Qué bobo!
Throughout this week the GSC Late Night Movie Series has presented the movie “Man of the Year” at 11 p.m. in the Theater.
Tonight is the last night to go see it if you want.
¡Qué bobo!
I just can’t get enough of that phrase. It’s so silly!
¡Qué bobo!
Sunday
Three heartthrobs celebrate their birthdays today. Elijah Wood, Nick Carter and Joey Fatone, Jr. What a great boy band these three would make!
You’ve got everything you’d need! First the strange-looking, serious type that the alternative chicks will go for, next the blonde bimbo for all the conformist ladies and finally the creepy, hairy one! What more could a girl ask for?
Monday
Oprah Winfrey celebrates 53 years on this earth today. My claim to Oprah fame? I worked out in a gym with her boy toy in a Hilton in Chicago. Yeah, that’s right. Want some more impressive claims to fame? You got it, buddy.
I worked out in the same gym as Ron Artest when he played for the Pacers before the big brawl that made him the face of NBA anger. I asked to borrow his giant dumbbell freeweights when he was finished. He looked at me and giggled.
It doesn’t end there. Oh, no. There’s more. I saw Jared the Subway guy at that same gym another time. Beyond that, he was cousins with one of my closest high school friends and he came to speak to our health class about his experiences as a fat/skinny guy. We got coupons.
The lesson here is to plan more events on Mondays so I’m not so desperate to take up space. Also, I’m better than you.
Tuesday
There will be a leadership workshop at 4:30 p.m. in GSC today. You should go so you’re not a scrub that TLC sings a hit song about.
The sun has just started attacking me through the window next to me.
It’s blinding me and could be making my china-doll skin have a hint of color...neither of which I’m very happy about. I’ll get you someday, somewhere, somehow, you bright, bright sun. Don’t think I won’t. Because I will. Get you. Someday...
Briana Hansen 
Calender City Editor
The Xavier Newswire
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio 45207-2129
On-campus location:
The Publications House,
3739 Ledgewood Dr.
Telephone: 513.745.3607
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Fax: 513.745.2898
