Wednesday

Most people in college right now are finishing up finals and heading home for a relaxing, sleep-filled week to recover from the hard push of the past month.

Students of Xavier University, however, will still be working around the clock to finish up final projects and study for exams as the weather gets crappier and the holiday season rapidly approaches.

Rather than sleeping in, watching some classy daytime television and gorging ourselves with homemade food while using dishes someone else will likely clean in the comfort of a home that someone else keeps tidy, Xavier students will be underslept and over-caffeinated exhausted shells ordering in pizza because nobody has time to clean the massive pile of dishes in the sink and the only food in the apartment is the processed sugary sweets in the “Spirit Pack” sent by Mom and Dad last week.

Bitter does not begin to describe how I feel towards schoolwork at the moment.
Hopefully our men’s basketball team is living healthier than the rest of the population for tonight’s Crosstown Shootout. The event takes place on UC’s campus this year, but there will be a viewing party at 5 p.m. in the Schmidt Fieldhouse.

For those of you who have never set foot into O’Connor Sports Center, auditions for next spring’s Xavier Players series will take place from 7-10 p.m. in the GSC Theater....pansies.

Thursday

Through the Thick Thicket without a Tick or a Ticket Thursday! What a thermometric experience.

Thermometric is an adjective commonly used to describe what it feels like to spin a dreidel during Chanukah. If you’d like to experience the thermometrics of the thermometry of the dreidel, you should go to the “Rock the Dreidel” Chanukah bash from 1-3 p.m. in the GSC.

It’s just like MTV’s “Rock the Vote,” only less Puff Daddy and more Lenny Kravitz.

The Men for Others will host a Christmas Dinner at their house on Ledgewood tonight beginning at 7:30 p.m.

Friday

Riddle me this:
If someone fell on the stairs in front of you and you heard them fall down each one and it appeared as if they could have injured themselves, would you run after them and make sure they’re OK?

Of course you would.

If you were in your dorm room late at night and heard a blood-curdling scream, would you go to your window to check up on them?

I would certainly hope that would be the very least you would do.

Now, let’s say you’re within 10 feet of a kitchen in which someone is cooking food. You turn the corner and suddenly hear them scream a number of profanities and cries of pain. Would you walk three steps back to the kitchen to see what happened and if you can be of service in case they had, say, burned themselves pretty badly on their stomach and had trouble moving?

Of course not. That would be ridiculous. The most you can do, if you choose to be a martyr, is simply ask them if they need you to call someone, without ever even seeing what the problem is.

Life lesson #2940: Never care.

The India Service-Learning presentation will take place today at 4 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium.

At 9 p.m. in the GSC Studio, Toolbox will be bringing the funny with sketch and improvisational comedy.

Saturday

If you missed Toolbox last night, you can see it tonight at the same time and same place.

If you prefer to see real tools in action, you can see the movie “Jackass 2” presented by the Late Night Movie series in the GSC Theater at 11 p.m.

If you miss the days where peasant’s outfits were in fashion and everyone walked around avoiding the plague, you should attend the Madrigal Dinner beginning at 7 p.m. in the Conaton Board Room.

If you’re sick of the amount of “if’s” in this weeks column, you’ve got too much time on your hands and need to be slapped in the face. Contact me ASAP.

Sunday

Ah, the last day before finals. I can’t think of anything I want to do more than sit back with my old pal who turns 61 today, Chris Matthews. Last time the two of us hung out we got along gloriously! I said some moderate comment on the weather and he condescendingly told me to “Shut the hell up!” and went on a worthless, superficial rampage about how smart he is. He’s such a politically savvy gentleman.

Monday

I don’t know if Chris Matthews would be on Santa’s “naughty” or “nice” list. On the one hand, he is an abrasive, arrogant jerk. On the other, he makes hot-winded, cocky politicians keep quiet. It’s a toss up. Fortunately, I’m fairly certain Santa has not had time to make a list recently because he has been too busy with other ventures.

Instead of working on toys for little boys and girls, Santa has been sighted running around the greenspace setting off giant fireworks named “El Diablo.”

Don’t believe me? Ask one of the officers in the three Campus Police vehicles that chased after Santa and his elf-looking helper. Christmas had better not be cancelled this year just because Campus Police doesn’t appreciate the unconventional gifts Santa gave through “El Diablo” this year. Just in case, I’m publishing my letter to Santa so he can read it wherever he may be detained.

Tuesday

Dear Santa,

I’ve been awfully good this year. I would really appreciate it if you could bring me a giant firework so I could bring light and joy to the rest of this campus. I know it sounds silly, but I can’t imagine why anyone would be upset at a silly little firework going off in the middle of campus. Besides, even Campus Police officers deserve a little spark in their skyline.

Yours truly, Chief Couch