Wednesday

Normally, when I sit down to write this column, I am juggling many things. Yes, I mean literally juggling. There are three small kittens that I stole from the judge that are continuously thrown into the air with my left hand, two lit torches and a bottle of Sunny Delight being juggled in my right hand.

When I’m feeling particularly ambitious, I switch around the contents of the two hands back and forth while doing an Irish jig to the soundtrack from the movie “The Big Lebowski.” I don’t want to toot my own horn but...well...ahem...toot.

If I’m not literally juggling, I’m at least multi-tasking by making phone calls, answering emails and reading the latest news updates.

All my desire for contact with the outside world has completely diminished in the past 24 hours, however, with the disappearance of my dearest Clarence, my cellular telephone and most loyal friend.

I know I could stay in decent contact with the world around me, but I don’t like a world without Clarence, so I try not to think about anything else. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to Clarence’s memory.

The African Student Association will sponsor a talk entitled “Brain Drain Migration Conversation” at 5 p.m. today in the Office of Mulitcultural Affairs.
I don’t understand how people can pretend like nothing is wrong! My Clarence situation is far worse than anything that could possibly be going on anywhere in Africa! Why can’t we talk about that?!

Thursday

Oh, man. Thursday is always such a busy day and I feel so guilty when I don’t put everything that’s going on on campus in this little column.

It’s the same guilty feeling that has haunted me every moment since I realized I left a naive, young cell phone scared, alone and on silent mode somewhere in Cincinnati.

Native American journalist Mark Anthony Rolo will be giving a lecture at 4:30 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium today.

I wonder if he’s any relation to his delicious candy namesake, the Rolo. He must be. Those things are way too delicious to have any dirty European influence.

Friday

Today is Homemade Bread Day. If you have no idea how to make homemade bread, simply find someone who does.

Do you have trouble making new friends? I used to, too. I’ve discovered a brand new route, however, that guarantees an active social life and plenty of attention.

It’s something everyone can do. It just takes a little bit of courage and big, sappy eyes.

I’m talking about the sweet, sweet emotion of pity. The majority of people I tend to call, or used to before Clarence ran away, are people who feel sorry for me.

That’s right, kids! You can try out pity all on your own today for free! Simply head over to the greenspace when there are plenty of people out. Make sure you’re wearing some tattered clothes and roll around in the mud for a little bit while giggling at yourself. Grab a stick, rock or piece of trash and start talking to it like it’s your best friend on earth.

Just when you two seem to be having the greatest time in your lives, suddenly look around and make eye contact with the people around you. Then start to cry and talk about how lonely you are.

Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

The Xavier version of “The Price is Right” will take place tonight at 9:30 p.m. in the GSC Theater.

Saturday

At 9 a.m. in the GSC food court, all are welcome to be a good citizen for the day and participate in Community Action Day.

If you missed your chance to make friends yesterday, this will be a great group from which to get some pity. A lot of the “do-gooders” will be coming out of their ecologically-friendly huts to socialize with the rest of the materialistic, superficial and wasteful world.

At 7:30 p.m., senior Margaret Russo will be performing her senior recital in Bellarmine Chapel. If you’ve never heard her angelic voice sing, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself.

For shame.

Sunday

Marty Grosz and His Hot Puppies Swing Concert will take place today in the GSC Theater from 3-5 p.m. If they even so much as lay a harmful hand on any puppy in the near vicinity, you can bet I will be on them like white on rice.

I once heard a lawyer refer to himself on a commercial as a man who goes after his client’s claims like white on rice.

It made me hungry and sad.

Monday

Have you ever gone to class having had so little sleep and spending so much time typing and studying at a computer that your eyes are completely red and you feel really slap happy and people think you’re drunk when you haven’t had a sip of alcohol and it makes you want to throw back a couple drinks because it’s not like it’d make a difference in your appearance and you’re certain it would make class much more interesting than it is normally?

Yeah, me neither.

On this day in 1945, the Nuremburg Trials began. What did we learn from this terrible epic in human history? Three simple things:

1. Horrible people should be punished for their horrific deeds.
2. Genocide will not be tolerated in a civilized, compassionate world.
3. The world has been run by old, white men set in their self-righteous ways for too bleeping long.

Tuesday

After classes today, we have a three day break for Thanksgiving. I can only think of one thing that would make my Thanksgiving break absolutely spectacular, and that is having my personal cellular device back in my posession so that I don’t have to be stuck in 1842. I’m sick of wearing a bonnet, churning butter and rearing children. I can’t wait until a man allows me to speak so that I can politely give him a piece of my mild-mannered mind.