Wednesday

There are some things on this campus that really brighten my day. For example, any time I see a puppy or a grown dog running about playfully, my heart grows a little bit. When I see a small child frolicking in the leaves, a sense of peace comes about me. And when the campus is lit up beautifully on a nice, crisp fall night, there is nothing more rejuvenating.

However, when I see two people saying their goodbyes to each other in baby talk outside my classroom in Alter because they’ll miss each other so much for the next 45 minutes, it makes me vomit. When I see people making out in the middle of campus because they just couldn’t wait to pounce on their special somebody, I become even more disgusted. But my biggest problem comes when I’m headed to an early morning class, still angry at myself for leaving my extremely warm and comfortable bed, only to see two people embracing each other and attacking each other’s backsides.

Butt-grabbing, Xavier University, is happening at alarming rates all over this campus and I’m sick to death of it. So, quit it.

I make you this promise, PDA-addicted couples of the world: the next time I see any tush-grabbing outside my class, I’m joining in and I won’t leave until it’s really, really uncomfortable.

This is your one warning.

Speaking of delectable tookus-ses, the comedians “Hard ‘N Phirm” will be performing in the GSC food court atrium at 8 p.m.

Thursday

Dr. Michael Granger, an expert on the Bird Flu, will be speaking at 7 p.m. tonight in Kelley Auditorium, sponsored by Advocates for Animals. I’m going to suggest my brilliant idea for curing the world of the bird flu...kill every last bird! I’m sure the Advocates will love my idea. I love being so popular!

At 7:30 p.m., the opening night of the Xavier Players’ production of “Death and the Maiden” will take place in the Gallagher Student Center Studio Theatre.

Along a similar theme, at 11 p.m., the Late Night Movie Series will present “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” in the Gallagher Student Center Theatre.

Friday

A week ago today, our world became a little bit funnier with the premiere of a movie featuring a beautiful man named Borat.

Fifty years ago today, the world became a little bit more pathetic with the birth of a man we would come to know as Sinbad.

Sorry, Sinbad. After the show “Moesha” went off the air for some unknown reason, it seems like you can’t do anything right.

That’s right, gurl. Uh huh. I went there. Okay. Yeah yeah.

The cast members from the show “N*W*C” and members of SAC will be holding various workshops regarding a variety of issues in a diversity of places throughout campus today. They’re going to be fantastic (insert “Reading Rainbow” song here with cheesy smile from Levar Burton)... but you don’t have to take my word for it!

Both “Death and the Maiden” and “Talladega Nights” will be playing again tonight. Same times and same places as yesterday.

Those events would make a perfect date if all the couples on this campus weren’t too busy baby talking, slobbering on, or grabbing at each other.

Today is Area Code Day. In order to celebrate, we should do exactly what the wise Ludacris song says, which is to stop the violence and put the 4-4 away. Maybe even skeet shoot a hoe today? Who knows?

Saturday

This afternoon at 4 p.m., the show “N*W*C” will play for free in the Gallagher Student Center Theatre. It’s an absolutely hysterical show that I highly suggest you go see.

In fact, I think so much of the show and the cast that this is likely the first time I’ve ever not used sarcasm in a column.

But maybe it’s too late to not be sarcastic. Maybe I’ve dug myself into such a sarcastic hole that even though I really think this show is great and want to convey that through the words on this page, it’s going to seem as if it’s all sarcastic! I’ve completely trapped myself.
Oh, well.

Sunday

Yesterday was Kurt Vonnegut’s 84th birthday. He’s possibly one of the greatest figures of our generation, next to Frisch’s Big Boy, of course. I didn’t have space in the column yesterday because I was rambling and I am now too lazy to take the time to go back through and edit the column. So, I’ll just put a series of words on the page and let you edit for content while you read. What a concept!

Monday

An asset-based leadership workshop will take place today from 2-3 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center Clocktower Lounge.

Afterwards, an ass-based public display of affection workshop will take place led by every other person I see on my way to class in the morning.

At least I’m really good about letting things go that bother me after mentioning them once. It would get really obnoxious to be reminded of the same frustrations over and over again.

That’s why my motto is “Live in the moment! Just make sure that moment isn’t screwed up by immature brats doing annoying and inconsiderate things! If that moment is screwed up by the aforementioned brats, do everything in your power to make sure that all of their moments are ruined to the best of your ability by using every outlet for communication you’ve got!”

Tuesday

Today is Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day. Ironically, it’s also Condoleeza Rice’s 52nd birthday. Maybe Mr. Georgie-Porgie could serenade her on a romantic, heavily guarded, helicopter-lit night walk around the White House.

Color me a hopeless romantic, but that sounds absolutely heavenly. I would give anything to listen to that inept man mindlessly studder and snort and talk about the good ol’ days of drinking and cocaine...