Wednesday

There are few things that really unnerve me when I’m walking to class. I spend most of the time either pretending to take important business calls on my cell phone or staring off into space with glazed-over eyes, amazed that I’m actually leaving my apartment.

However, I am quickly snapped out of my imagined seventh dimension by one very noticeable, very bizarre aspect of the academic mall. I’m talking about the smoke that rises from the sewer just outside of Alter Hall.

At first, I simply thought it could be the changing weather patterns or something along those lines. Or it could be due to some corrupt corporation’s pollution cutting corners so they can make a few extra dollars. It could even be the deteriorating structures of this old city and a result of lack of proper funding to fix the issue.

None of these are true, however. After some serious academic research, I have the answer.

Somehow the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles relocated their headquarters to below Alter Hall, or at least made Shredder think so, and now he’s attacking them with a turtle gas that doesn’t seem too bad to humans but is deadly to the mutant turtle.

Sounds implausible? When was the last time you saw a healthy turtle strolling around campus?

That’s what I thought.

The International Student Coffee Hour will take place at 3:30 p.m. on the second floor of Gallagher.

Thursday

Marie Antoinette would be 251 years old today and I’m sure it would’ve been an awesome birthday bash. I heard from a friend of a friend’s sister’s uncle’s great-great grandfather’s servant’s best friend that she had a little issue laying off the sauce, though...but you didn’t hear it from me.

If you’re looking for a different kind of bash tonight, head over to Ryan’s Pub at 8 p.m., where the first preliminary round of Xavier’s Last Muskie Standing will take place. I heard from an aunt’s cousin’s sister-in-law’s stepbrother’s roommate that last year’s winner has a little issue laying off the sauce, though...but you didn’t hear it from me.

Friday

The following movie is out today and I’m nearly peeing myself simply writing about it:

“Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.”

Sure, Kazakhstan is actually an incredibly progressive nation with wonderful intellectual resources that make this movie little more than documented slander, but it’s such a funny name! Kazakhstan!

Throughout the day today there will be a conference in Cintas on Living Longer. I hope that means there will be many case studies of what it looks like to live longer, because those people are fine.

And I don’t mean fine in the normal “A-OK” sense of the word. I mean it the way it’s used on the streets, like “Whoaaa, that ol’ man is fiiiiine.”

At 7:30 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium, there will be a showing of “Black Gold,” a film about the multi-million dollar coffee industry. I’ll make this promise to you, concerned citizens of Xavier University. The moment I stop getting assigned ridiculous amounts of work that cause me hours upon hours of missed sleep and I don’t feel constantly exhausted, I’ll give up the coffee addiction. Until then it’s a neccesary evil, just like obsessive, psycho, inarticulate women constantly catfighting on reality TV shows.

Saturday

If you’re a senior, it’s senior night at Newport on the Levee. Buses will begin to leave Buenger circle around 8 p.m. If you’re a senior citizen, it’s Bingo night somewhere. Worry not, I’m sure everything will be wrapped up by 8 p.m. so you can watch your stories before bed.

It’s Use Your Common Sense Day. I would like to dedicate this day to a creepy, greasy friend of mine who always has great insights, whether they’re about cell phones, the rights of pedestrians or the speed of cars. In an intense tone that made me uncomfortable, he told me that there is more to fear from humans than insects. Thank you for that bit of common sense, sir.

Sunday

What a relief. After a full week of activities and a weekend just chock-full of stuff to do, I’m really glad there’s nothing to write about today. I can finally take some time and really delve into a controversial subject if I want to.

Maybe I could introduce some sort of world problem. I could even raise awareness about an issue most people are ignorant about! I really need to make this column count!

Monday

There needs to be another hit movie that coins some sort of phrase about Monday because I’m getting tired of hearing, “Uh oh, looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”

Somebody fix it. Now.

There will be a Midday Music concert at 12:30 p.m. in Edgecliff Hall where adjunct faculty member Sonya Szabo-Reynolds will be playing the piano.

That’s all well and good, but today is technically Saxophone Day. I’m not saying you can’t have your little recital, but I’m also not saying that there will not be a bored saxophone player in desperate need of attention who will be playing her saxophone obnoxiously while screaming “Saxophone Day!” just outside the door.
There are no guarantees in life, Ms. Szabo-Reynolds. That’s just how the cookie crumbles.

Yummy...cookies.

Tuesday

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, kids of all ages, listen closely to this echoed announcement:

This Tuesday (Tuesday, Tuesday...), the Xavier University library (library, library...) will have, for your learning pleasure for one hour only (ly, ly...), a workshop on XTreme Google! This is a once in a lifetime event that you cannot afford to miss! The fun starts at 1:30 p.m.! XTreme Google! What could be more fulfilling?!