Wednesday

October is National Spinach Lovers Month. Recently, spinach has pulled a Kevin Federline and gone from slightly annoying and overtly obnoxious to blatantly disgusting and moderately dangerous.

In all the hulaballoo about spinach possibly carrying the E. Coli virus and how now it’s very bad for you and you shouldn’t eat it and blah, blah, blah, there has been one extremely underrepresented voice.

That’s right. Popeye. The poor guy has enough issues to deal with in his own life; do we really need to take away the one thing that brings him strength in times of need?

I mean, we’re talking about a man who still smokes what looks like a corncob pipe that he probably stole at a liquor store, has a girlfriend with serious malnutrition and anorexia issues, only seems to get muscles in his forearms and can’t get some big bully Bluto off his case. The last thing we need to do is take away his spinach.

I know the perfect way to fix the problem. Get Popeye and a representative from the FDA on a talk show to discuss their problems, and later bring in Olive Oyl and let her admit that she’s been sleeping around with people from the FDA as part of a huge plot to bankrupt Popeye because she thought the tattoo on his arm was some sort of cult symbol and that spinach was a code word for an undercover drug operation that held a number of innocent children captive throughout the free world. But I don’t want to make things too complicated.

Thursday

I hope there wasn’t anything really important going on yesterday, because I didn’t write it in the paper. You live and learn. I’m certainly not going to lose sleep over it.

If you’re hungry at any part of the day, you should get a coupon from Alternative Breaks and head over to Max and Erma’s for food. A portion of the meal’s ticket will go to Alternative Breaks. A portion of my meal will go directly to my thighs. Like, o.m.g.

If you’re feeling especially generous, you can see the Vigilantes concert at 8 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center Atrium where you can make a donation to benefit HIV/AIDS issues.

Friday

Thank goodness there is so much going on around campus that these big blank spaces can just be filled with a wealth of information.

I would hate to sit here week after week simply making up events and holidays in order to fill this space. My already positive outlook only flourishes with so much to talk about! I feel very lucky to be on a campus where there’s absolutely never a dull moment!

There will be young’uns on campus today for an X-Experience Day. Treat them nicely. They’ll be paying for our elderly living situations someday.

Xavier’s Premiere Improvisatoinal Comedy Group, “Don’t Tell Anna,” will have its resurrection show tonight at 9 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium for free.

After about a year hiatus, the group has gotten through the drug and alcohol rehab, made amends with old bullies from high school, quit smoking, started exercising, discovered its inner artist and is ready to face the real world.
You should be there.

Today would be Emily Post’s 134th birthday. She wrote a famous book on etiquette.

But, like, the terms of courtesy have, you know what I’m sayin’, changed and airythang, OK? You say sumthin’ to make me mad, I’m taking off my heels and there’s gonna be a -WHAT- girlfight.

Saturday

How convenient. A Lil’ Jon reference on Friday and a Hoe-Down at 6 p.m. on Saturday outside the bookstore. Sometimes it does seem like there’s order to this crazy, crazy world.

If you’re one of the go-getter types, there will be a free theater workshop beginning at 10 a.m. in the Studio Theatre with Nikkol. Her first name is far too alternative to be conventionalized by a last name.

“Don’t Tell Anna” will have another show tonight at 9 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium, again for free.

You should be there. Again.

Today is both Separation of Church and State Day and St. Jude’s Day. Know that.

Sunday

The Student Organization of Latinos will have a Carne Asada Cookout today from 6 - 7:30 p.m. in the Office of Mulitcultural Affairs for only $3.

I got that information on the Internet. I get a lot of information on the Internet. I’ve learned all sorts of information about current events, different cultures, places to travel and the best ways to truly court different barnyard animals.

Monday

Today is Fyodor Dostoevsky’s 185th birthday. He wrote some books once. They were published at one point and some people read them. They may or may not have had a plot. They could possibly have had interesting characters.

Finding out all this information would take some extra research, time and energy, and it’s not like you’d care anyway.

We all know what Fyodor Dostoevsky is remembered for throughout history without me looking up any worthless “facts.”

His name is funny sounding! Isn’t that hysterical?! A funny sounding name! It’s not like a regular American name! It’s completely different! Fyodor! HA! I can hardly control my enthusiasm!

Today is National Haunted Refrigerator Night. Maybe that’s why my fridge smells like there’s a vagabond living inside. It’s haunted! It couldn’t possibly be anything else.

Tuesday

Today is National Knock-Knock Joke Day and it’s also Halloween. What a great combination!

While you’re trick-or-treating, if you hear “You just look like a normal college student to me” or “Do you even know these children?” or “I’m gonna be honest, you’re starting to creep me out and I’m going to call the police if I see you in my neighborhood again,” simply tell them a great knock-knock joke and all will be forgiven.