Wednesday

What on earth do you think you are doing? You’re just leisurely reading the newspaper?! You obviously don’t realize how close we are to the holiday season.

We are merely 10 short, normal-lengthed weeks away from a little celebration some call Christmas. That means another celebration called Hannukah is even closer and you’re dilly-dallying around.

Heaven forbid commercial America lets us celebrate Halloween and Thanksgiving before reminding us of the huge money drain and weight gain that comes in December.

I feel like rapping. I’ve already started the rambling flow...so I think I’ll just let my crazy mind go...you know?

There’s probably things I gotta report on...and if you’re really worried I’d tell you to hold your horse...mon.

I’m not very good, that is for certain. If you like theater...you should check out the curtain.

Which curtain am I talking about? Why...I mean that one in the Gallagher Student Center Theater, which lacks any trout.

Faculty/staff can go at 8 p.m. for the final dress rehearsal...of a show called “Noises Off,” where everything goes from bad to worse-al.

In Kelley Auditorium at seven in the evening...you’ll find an event that will make you not want to leave-ning.

“The Battle of the Sexes” will take place...and I suggest you keep that sass of yours up outta my sweet face. Yeah.

Thursday

neu.edu

I gets my mad rappin’ skillz from Flava Flaaaaaaaaaaav

Who says Irish-Danish-Cherokee-German girls can’t rap? Everyone? Well, I just proved everyone wrong. How do you like them apples?

Is it just me or am I asking a lot of questions in this column? Do I honestly think these can be answered? Does it matter? Am I just trying to take up space?

Did you go to the Xavier Player’s play “Noises Off” last night? Did you want to?

Do you want a chance to go again? Did you know the first official show will take place at 7:30 p.m. and is only $3 for students? Does that make you want to go?
Does somebody need a hug?

Friday

Tomorrow is apparently Sweetest Day according to my sources, which are rarely correct. If it is this supposed Sweetest Day, prepare to celebrate however it is celebrated.

I’ll likely grab a spoon and some icing and enjoy myself in front of the T.V. Yes, like a fat kid. Maybe I’ll watch something on the Food Channel. Maybe I’ll say, “Me so hungie” when I’m through. I’m taking things one day at a time.

If you’ve got a significant other and they tried to tell you Sweetest Day was last weekend so that they could get something two weeks in a row, they’re being selfish and you should buy them nothing at all.

For those of you who do want to celebrate, maybe do something sweet for someone else, I think. Or not. I’m not really sure how normal human interaction works. I try to stay away from it as much as possible.

I’ll have to consult Flava Flav, the godfather of love, and ask him. Flava knows I know he knows I know what time it is.

The Trey Anastasio concert will take place tonight at 7:30 p.m. in Cintas. Like, wicked groovy, man. I don’t know how Phish fans talk.

In case you’re sitting around staring at your parents while uncomfortably searching for something to do, go see “Noises Off” tonight at the same time and same place as yesterday.

Saturday

The 1831 Society will hold an invite only brunch for parents and students at 9:30 a.m. I don’t think they realize that 9:30 a.m. hasn’t existed for college students since 1831. These times they are a changin’ and these youth they are a sleepin’.

Xavier football will be making its debut for the first time in years at 11 a.m. at Shea Stadium in Norwood against Marquette.
Really? Yes.

Why Xavier football? Because there must have been hundreds of riots on campus for years in support of this cause. I mean, that’s the only logical reasoning I can think of.

Since Soupies closed, it seems like nobody’s thinking straight.

Sunday

The last showing of “Noises Off” will take place tonight at 7:30 p.m. in the Gallager Student Center Theater. The best way to guarantee one of the cast members will stop badgering you to go is to go.

Why, it’s so simple! Anyone can do it! Even you sitting there at home! So why don’t you give it a try? It’s so quick and easy. Try it today for 13 easy down payments of $199.99!

Monday

Hey, maybe there’s another break on the way! Oh, wait. No. We’re actually stuck on campus until Thanksgiving. It’s almost like a real school and I am not having it.

You listen to me, Xavier University! I am not paying copious amounts of money so I can go to long periods of class and study without a break. That’s for my nerdy friends at other places to do. Now you throw in a random day off again sometime soon or I’ll really be angry.

True, there are shanties covering up the academic mall this week.

True, it is the week celebrating Shantytown that will be filled with events and awareness of poverty and homelessness.

True, the Veg Out at the Dorothy Day House at 5 p.m. will be sponsored by the Shantytown crew.

False, the Shanties do not contain bathroom facilities.

Ooooh! A poop joke!

Tuesday

Today you should audition for Toolbox, the sketch and improvisational comedy group. Auditions are Monday (yes, yesterday) and today any time from 7-10 p.m. in the greenroom in the GSC. No preparation is neccesary. The preliminary screening for Xavier’s Last Muskie Standing competition will take place at the same time and place.

Imagine! You could sit around all day making poop jokes with people just as immature as yourself!