Wednesday

It’s about that time in the semester when everyone gets into a routine. The excitement and anxiety of starting a new year are over. All the clubs on campus are finally getting started, and stories of the summer are dying down.

Now it’s time for Captain Lazy and The Dutchess of Regret to begin their magic! Oh, boy!

I, personally, am regretting my decision of commuting from the Village every day. Sure, for the first couple weeks it was a great chance to catch up with old friends, but now it’s just a long and taxing walk over a road that only half of the Village students survive on a daily basis.

Not only is the walk long and taxing, but it’s often filled with guilt trips about cell phones, the speed of cars and problems with our generation from a creepy blonde-haired dude who carries a briefcase and spends most of the day walking back and forth across the street.

I wish I were making him up.

I am not.

Auditions for Xavier’s premiere improvisational comedy group, Don’t Tell Anna, will be held in Alter Hall today from 6-7 p.m. Anyone interested should meet in the lobby.

Rumor has it that the semi-bald blondie with lots of opinions and a love for crossing Dana Avenue is actually in charge of this group, meaning if you don’t show up he’ll follow you all around campus in all his smelly glory. So, be there.

Thursday

Today is the International Day of Peace. Celebrate by telling someone to “Peace Off,” Dane Cook style. People love to be told what to do.

Like being told to pay increasingly ridiculous prices for gas! I love letting an economy I feel that I have no control over decide the price of something societal structures make me dependent on! Peace be with you all, you wealthy old corrupt men.

Don’t Tell Anna auditions will also take place tonight, same time, same place.
From 7-9 p.m., the Peace and Justice Volunteer Fair will take place at Cintas Center.

Friday

A great Greek philosopher reflecting upon the meaning of life once wrote, “Everybody needs a little chocolate in his or her life.” Today is National White Chocolate Day, the ugly duckling of the chocolate world.

So when you’re running your errands, be sure to grab some calorie-packed, mildly tasteless, antioxident deprived white chocolate and enjoy.

Those people interested in being a site leader for an Alternative Spring Break need to turn in their applications to the Dorothy Day House today.

Those people who want to participate in an Alternative Spring Break still have plenty of time to finish their applications and eventually turn them into the Dorothy Day House.

Those people who don’t know what the Dorothy Day House is but are interested should swing by and start asking questions.

The people left out of the previous three groups should unite together to give wedgies and make fun of the nerds who are involved in pointless, service-oriented, altruistic causes.

Besides, everybody knows altruism is a word made up by the Hallmark corporation in order to make more money during the lull between Boxing Day and Flag Day.

I really want to use the word supercilious somewhere in this column. So here it is: Supercilious.

Saturday

“Another Chance” tour guide training will take place in Schott Hall today from 1-3 p.m. In case you thought you couldn’t make the cut at the last training, you’ve got another chance. Maybe this time they’ve lowered their expectations! I love when expectations are lowered. I keep low ones for myself all the time. I don’t expect anything, so I don’t ever have to be disappointed. It’s a great way to live life to its fullest potential.

Celine Dion is the greatest rockstar alive. Disagree? I will fight you. You vs. me. tonight at the Men for Others Rockstar Dance Party, which starts at 10:15 p.m. at their house on Ledgewood. Bring it.

Sunday

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

It’s me!

Me who?

Why, I’m Professor Gerald Caiden of the University of South Carolina here in the Honors Villa at 6 p.m. to talk about possible career paths in public policy or public administration while eating pizza and moderating a lively discussion!

Good one.

Monday

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Ah, Prince Eric. Somehow you never seem to get any older.

There is a driving training session for 15-passenger vans at 6 p.m. today at the Flynn Hall Incident Command Center Room.

I’ll be there just to check out what a real life command center room is like.
It’s probably a combination of the shows ER, West Wing and Dawson’s Creek, filled with drama, witty commentary and people discovering their true selves while immersed in juicy love triangles.

There will be a Club Workshop from 6:30-8:30 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center room 214 today. In order to be a club on campus, you have to attend at least one of these workshops.

I’m not involved in any particular club, but I’ll be there just to sing the lyrics, “You can find me in the club...” over and over again until somebody pays me some desperately needed attention.

Love me?

Tuesday

A Vision of Hope Speaker Series will present a distinguished panel discussion on “A Global Ethic Today” from 7-9 p.m. in the Schiff Family Conference Center.

If you are celebrating a birthday today, happy birthday. I am jealous. You share a birthday with Johnny Appleseed, one of the greatest heartthrobs of all the tall tales. He’s the Prince Eric of folklore, able to still be attractive even if he’s just a cartoon character.