Wednesday

Thank goodness the coveted Club Day on the Mall is finally over so that the events of the school year can get underway. It’s about time I stopped making up stuff to fill this back page.

Now that there are meetings and campus activities almost every day, there’s a real possibility this calendar can be filled with depth and substance! How exciting!
Don’t worry, I plan on doing nothing of the sort. I merely said it was a possibility. It’s also a possibility that I will uppercut the obnoxious, smelly, know-it-all that sits behind me in math class the next time he wastes another hour of my life boring the class with non-math related trivia. These are simply possibilities, not realities.

There will be an International Student Coffee Hour on the second floor of the Gallagher Student Center at 3:30 p.m. I’ll go as long as Smelly O’Kicksalot doesn’t show his greasy face. So help me Tom Cruise, I promise you that if I see that obnoxious kid at the coffee hour I will get some of the international students on my side and start World War III.

On a brighter side, X-Action will hold its first big organizational meeting tonight at 8 p.m. in Alter Hall, room 323 (with free pizza).

On a darker side, there are many people in the world who are lactose intolerant and will never know the joys of the new Pizza Hut Lasagna Pizza. They’ll just have to take Queen Latifa’s word that it’s a delictible treat. For shame.

Thursday

google.com

This is what an unmarried 25-year old looks like.

If you’re looking for a special someone to celebrate the most overrated day of the year five months from now, read on.

Do you need someone who understands your passion for pocket protectors? From 6-8 p.m., the Accounting Society will Sponsor Meet the Firms in Cintas Center Banquet Room.

Are you the type that loves late night strolls under the light of Orion? Go to the Star Gazing session at 8:30 p.m. in the Observatory.

Or do you prefer to be slathered with compliments? The Navigators will sponsor a “Praise Date” at 9 p.m. in GSC, room 214.

Friday

If you didn’t find your perfect somebody at any of the events yesterday, you’ve got one last shot tonight at the annual Latin Dance.

The dance itself will begin at 9 p.m., but free salsa lessons will be offered at 8:15 p.m. You can purchase your ticket at the Romero International Student Center.
Unfortunately, as a gangster, I don’t dance. I just pull up my pants and do the rockaway.

If you didn’t find a date yesterday and don’t find a date tonight, you should just give up altogether. There’s really no good reason for you to continue trying in any aspect of your life.

I mean, you’re in college now. Which means, ladies, once you graduate you might have to be all by yourselves without any dependents or responsibilities. Heaven forbid!

Imagine how scary that life must be! Those poor old maids in their mid-twenties living out their “dreams” on their own. How can they live without a big strong man to cook for and a comfortable house in the suburbs to clean, or at least hire someone to clean?

It must be just an awful time in their lives. That’s why it’s so important that every woman makes sure she’s engaged at least one year before leaving college. That way, she only has to worry about scheduling her next manicure/gossip/coffee date with the rest of the girls!

Saturday

There’s nothing important going on around campus today. I couldn’t find a thing to talk about. Maybe other parts of the paper will say differently. I wouldn’t know.
I’ll celebrate International Eat an Apple Day. If I were an American supermodel, I would simply smell the apple all day and not actually eat it. Luckily, however, I am not an American model.

After being offered top modeling careers all over the world, I chose to flaunt my deeply tan skin, and tall, exotic physique on runways in Madrid, where there’s actually a ban on models who are too skinny. We get to eat one apple every day. In your face, America!

Sunday

Sharing with others is stupid. People are poor because they’re lazy and choose to be poor. I don’t owe anybody anything. If somebody doesn’t smile at me immediately, it’s because they’re a bad person.

If the previous statements bothered you, you’d probably fit in well at the Random Acts of Kindness House. To find out, go to their open house today from 2-5 p.m.

Monday

Do you realize what a great invention the turning tray on the microwave is? It really does make a great difference in how evenly cooked a meal is.

It’s not until one burns a bag of kettle corn in a microwave that lacks a turning tray in the middle that one realizes how ingenius that invention really is. Either that or how idiotic one really is.

I just wanted to make that point clear in case you notice my strong stench of burnt kettle corn. Go ahead, smell this paper. It really does smell like burnt kettle corn.
Come on, now. Nobody’s looking. You know you want to. Just scrach and sniff this column and there’s a possibility you’ll be plesantly surprised. It’s possible.

If you prefer the smell of fair, fresh honesty, you should go to Alter Hall room 322 at 7 p.m. today to hear Mary Lu Lageman speak about organic farming.

Tuesday

Today is Talk Like a Pirate Day. Be sure to celebrate at the Campus Blood Drive that begins at 10 a.m. in GSC, room 330. They just love joking around while performing medical procedures!

After giving enormous amounts of blood, play in the 3-on-3 basketball tournament at 4 p.m. in the basketball hoops behind the Commons. Let out a final “Argh me, Matey” before completely passing out, and you will be a legend.