Wednesday

“I don’t want to walk next to you guys when I’m wearing these pants.”

“Like, seriously...seriously serious. I’m totally serious. No, for serious!”

“Haha, dude, I know dude, I was like ‘No dude!’ Hahaha!”

“I mean, like, it’s like whatever and stuff, you know?”

I heard all these eloquent quotes on the way to class this morning in a period of about 10 minutes. I had no idea what to talk about in this column this week. I was drawing a blank as I left my apartment until these angels floated next to me on the academic mall and whispered their healing inspirations.

It gives me a lot of hope in our generation when I hear important, deep, intellectual conversations such as these buzzing through campus. At least I can turn on quality shows like Laguna Beach to forget about the superficiality of everyday life.
Like, totally, thank you dudes for like, totally, you know, your stuff and stuff or whatever.

Speaking of dudes and totallys, Trey Anastasio tickets go on sale for students from 1-3 p.m. today on the greenspace. Tickets are $15 with your All Card, and you can get up to four tickets with one All Card.

I realize that was a lot of numbers and information thrown at you all of a sudden. All you need to remember is that horizontal stripes are unflattering and vertical stripes are out of fashion. Got it?

Thursday

Photo Credit: google.com

Scooter McGee: The best friend a lonely girl could ask for.

Today in 1996, Tupac Shakur was shot.

According to The History Channel, he died. All I’m saying is that it’s a little too much of a coincidence that it happens to be on Gloria Gaynor’s birthday, the woman who was made famous from the song, “I will survive.” That’s all I’m saying.

It’s also Google Commemoration day. I’m just saying, when you google “Tupac Shakur,” click “I’m feeling lucky” and enter the site, you’ll hear a pretty alive-sounding Tupac voice. That’s all I’m saying.

“The Break Up” plays at 11 p.m. tonight in the GSC Theater. “Tupac Resurrection” is a much better movie.

That’s all I’m saying.

Friday

If you missed “The Break Up” in the GSC Theater last night, you didn’t miss much. However, if you really want to see it, it will be playing again tonight at the same time, same place. I mean, I really enjoyed the movie the first time I saw it.

The time when I paid $8 and drove to Newport hoping for an entertaining weekend activity. I didn’t at all feel uncomfortable or want to leave the entire time.

Now that the one Xavier-sponsored event for the evening is out of the way, we can finally have some alone time. Let me tell you about a little leprechaun man who lives in my printer named Scooter McGee.

I, too, was skeptical about the probability of a small leprechaun surviving within the machinery of my printer, but I quickly became a believer.

Scooter first made himself known by sending out jibberish messages instead of the real documents I sent to be printed by the computer. I figured out that he was of Lucky Charmed decent when each message began and ended with the clover symbol.

Instead of being angry and hitting the walls of the printer for being unruly, thereby causing an earthquake in Scooter’s little world, I simply accepted the fact that there was a leprechaun man in my printer and began to ask kindly for my documents.

As I gained his trust, I gained back the use of my printer. The end.

Saturday

“The Break Up” will be featured once more at 11 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center Theater tonight if you really need your Jennifer Aniston or Vince Vaughn fix.

For those of you who are not going, be sure and celebrate the “weirdos” entering the theater who are choosing to waste two hours of their life on this awful, awful movie. After all, it’s Wonderful Weirdos Day! Give ‘em a slap on the butt or something. Nothing says good job like a nice firm slap on the butt.

That’s right. That last line is stolen from “Family Guy.” I stole it like a hungry roommate at 2 a.m. steals a bag of Tostitos. That’s right, Carolyn. I noticed.

Sunday

If you’re wandering around the greenspace today and notice a great deal of hullabaloo, congratulations! You’ve stumbled upon the Spirit Celebration beginning at 4 p.m.!

As a prize, you can partake in the free food after the community-wide mass, just like everyone else! Get excited! After the mass and food, you should rest immediately and prepare for the first full week of classes. I said sleep, dagnabit!

Monday

Throughout the day today you will be bombarded by overenthusiastic people asking for information about yourself. If you’re at a Samuel L. Jackson fan rally, run away quickly and never speak of it again. Ideally, you could punch a few people before you go, but be careful.

If you’re on the academic mall, however, you’ve stumbled upon Club Day on the Mall which will be taking place all throughout the day. Be sure to sign yourself up for every table that’s giving away something free.

If they’re giving away free stuff, they probably have some money to spare. People with money to spare must be rich and therefore I will allow them to hang out with me.

Like I totally said, I love Laguna Beach. I like, love what money like does to people and how it like, you know, makes them like better people overall and stuff, mmmkay?

Tuesday

Since classes were actually held yesterday for the first time on a Monday, treat yourself to a day off from all that hard work. Heaven forbid you go to class five days a week! That’s over 34.87995% of the week spent going to class! You don’t need to stress yourself out like that so early in the semester.

Just take it easy and play some video games to celebrate National Video Games day. Your professor will completely understand.