Wednesday

Ah, good day. You seem to have stumbled upon the back page of the Newswire. My apologies.

This page is a lot like a creepy back alley late at night. Nobody really chooses to be here, but you get stuck and you feel uncomfortable throughout the entire experience.

Welcome to my world.

I guess you’re probably expecting an informative calendar filled with sarcasm and humor to plan your first big week on campus. I’m not going to do that.

I refuse.

Um...I don’t know what else to tell you.

Awkward.

You can’t see my hands right now, but I’m making the awkward turtle sign.
Hey, how ‘bout this weather?

If you’re bored enough to have read this far, I guess I’ll write some stuff to do. It is my “job” after all.

The Illustrious Ladies of the Pi Epsilon chapter of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc. will be hosting an ice cream social in front of the Buenger greenspace at 8:22 p.m.

From the sounds of it, I would expect golden chalices for your drinks while man-servants wearing glittery loin cloths wipe your mouth with silk napkins after every bite and the legendary 80s band Poison performs their hit “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.”

Nothing says class louder than an 80s rock ballad and glittery loin cloths.

Thursday

Photo Credit: google.com

When life hands you lemons... make an awkward turtle.

On this day in 1888, Jack the Ripper claimed his first victim. According to historians, he was actually a very gentle man before this time. An avid animal activist, Jack was a vegetarian for most of his life. In order to get enough protein in his diet, he ate a lot of beans. As a result, he had a bit of an embarrassing flatulence problem. His first incident apparently happened at an animal activist party. The victim threw back a few too many vegan cocktails and made the entire party chant “Jack the Ripper,” publicly embarrassing Jack. He knew he could take no more and began killing. There are two sides to every story.

Friday

Today is the last day for changing your meal plan if you want. Sorry newbies, you’re stuck. The food is really fine...going down at least...

Today is also the last day for XU club football team sign-ups from 11 a.m. until 2 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center. As long as they continue the witty football T-shirts in the bookstore, I fully support this team.

At 9 p.m. tonight in the Gallagher Student Center Theater, you can come see hypnotism at its very best. For $1 with your All Card, a hypnotist will be putting you or your classmates under a trance and making all of you do stupid things.

It’s the cheaper, safer, easier, legal, low-calorie version of other trance-inducing Friday night options!

Hypnotism: My anti-drug.

Today is Chicken Boy’s Day. I don’t know what that means but it’s all over the place. I could take the time to figure it out, but that would take a lot of effort and, well, can we talk?

I already feel like I’m doing most of the work in this relationship. I just give and I give and you take and you take. So, how about you go find it out about Chicken Boy and get back to me?

Also, maybe buy me some chocolates while you’re out there to celebrate our one year anniversary? It’s the least you could do.

Saturday

There will be a welcome back BBQ from 4 until 9 p.m. on the greenspace. Go enjoy your fried and grilled dead animals, you sickening carnivores.

In 1969, Ho Chi Minh died on this day. A mysterious man by nature, it is only fitting that his death be shrouded with mystery.

According to my sources, he heard about a particular four-year-old who was celebrating his birthday. He was told this horrible, rambunctious and inept child would become a millionaire actor in America and decided he didn’t want to live to see another day.

The child? Why Keanu Reeves, of course.

Sunday

Introduction: There are two important facts you need to remember in order to live this day to its full potential.

Supporting statement #1: It is Charlie Sheen’s 41st birthday.
Supporting statement #2: It is also National Waffle Day.
Supporting statement #3: This is exciting news.

Conclusion: Stay in bed all day. You’re not missing much.

Monday

You know what should be happening on any regular Monday at this time? Class. You know what is not happening this Monday at this time? Class.

Today is officially Labor Day, meaning you must do no labor. If you decided not to get out of bed yesterday, make it a streak and stay in bed again.

If you’re one of “those people” who wants “something to do,” I don’t know what “to tell you.” Perhaps you can explore the inappropriate “use” of “quotation marks” that can drive “people” crazy.

In 1886, Geronimo finally surrendered at Skeleton Canyon, AZ. He was sick and tired of fighting for a cause he knew was worthless and that he would never see happen. It’s a good thing nobody ever feels that frustration anymore!

Sadly, his true dream, writing a circ de sole ballet, would never be realized.

Tuesday

Ironically, as I type this column, I am late for class. Hopefully, as you read it, it will make you late for class, too. If and when you are, simply laugh in your professor’s face and say, “It doesn’t even matter because it’s national Be Late for Something Day,” maybe followed up with a “Biatch!”

Remember, you only get one shot to make a first impression, so make it count.

BIATCH!