We’re back to actual events going on around campus this week. I’m not sure if you caught it or not with all the obvious hints, but last week was an April Fools issue. This column lacked substance.

There wasn’t a big change for this particular column, but you probably noticed the "FAKE" symbols in the rest of the paper.

If you didn’t notice them because you skip the rest of the paper and just read this section, come closer. I’m going to take off the jousting glove I always wear and smack you. Then hug you... and never let go.

The glove-smack-hug-too-long approach is just how I show my affection. It’s weird, I know, but it’s better than my old punch-in-the-mouth-kick-the-gut-spray-pepper -spray approach.

What can I say? I’m a natural with the ladies. You can be too if you go check out "The Dating Game" in Kelley Auditorium at 7 p.m.

Let me tell you from personal experience, this is a great event. Last year when I participated in "The Dating Game," I was blindly picked as the winner by a strapping young man.

We hit it off immediately when he saw my face and started laughing hysterically. There was never a quiet moment because he kept repeating, "You’ve got to be kidding me, right?" Plus, he showed a very sensitive side when he began crying and wailing, "Why me, God? What did I do to deserve this?!"

Apparently the fantastic poetry that graced this column last week made an impression. Award-winning poet Peter Gizzi will be speaking for Norman Finkelstein’s class and anyone who wants to come at 10 a.m. in Alter 321.

I would go... but let’s be honest. What possible awards could he have won for his poetry that I haven’t already received? I’m not impressed.

I am impressed by death-turned-funny, however, which is why I’ll be attending the opening of the musical "Assassins" at 7:30 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center Theater. I’ll be the one with the fake firearm.

Today is an X-Perience Day for high school juniors who are interested in Xavier. Be sure to act like you’re enjoying yourself.

I suggest for these X-Perience Days that we have a group of students -- the more the merrier -- who have a choreographed song and dance to perform on the greenspace as the prospectives walk by. That would have made my own college decision much easier.

What do choreographed song and dance and shooting high-ranking political figures have in common? Why, the musical "Assassins," of course! It will be playing again in the Gallagher Student Center Theater at 7:30 p.m.

"Assassins" should be a really fantastic show about all the different Presidential assassinations, or attempts to assassinate.

Truth be told, there is no need to continuously type various forms of the the word "assassins" except for the fact that it’s an awesome word.

Assassins.

In case you can’t tell, I’m giggling uncontrollably because I have the maturity of an eight-year-old. If you’re laughing too, that must mean you’re hanging out with a minor, and there are strict laws about that, Mr. Jackson.

At 6 p.m. on the greenspace, the annual American Cancer Association Relay for Life will begin.

According to my astrology calendar and/or my roommate, today is a great day to get close to that special someone you’ve had your eye on for awhile. You’ve got some great options, too.

You two could go see "Assassins" at 7:30 in the GSC Theater. If they don’t laugh when you say the name, though, it’s probably not even worth trying for a relationship.

Or, you could check out the Midwest Masala, an intercollegiate dance competition, in Cintas Center starting at 7 p.m.

You’ll be out in time to see some band called Guster play some musical instruments for some reason.

Today is the last day to catch the musical "Assassins" in case I’ve failed to mention anything about it.

"Assassins" will be playing at 2 p.m. in the GSC Theater followed by a special feature of the musical "Assassins" at 7:30 p.m. in the same location.

Snissassa!

Even backwards, assassins is a fantastic word!

As is the tradition on Mondays, there will be a PEP talk at 1:30 p.m. in Gallagher Student Center room 310. On this particular Monday, however, there is some serious competition for pepping up the Xavier student population.

Inspirational speaker Matthew Kelley will be speaking at 7:30 p.m. in the Cintas Center Banquet Room. As much as I love my PEP talks, he puts them to shame. SHAME!

While on the topic of shame, be sure check out the greenspace at 2:15 p.m. If you were there last week, you already know. If not, you’re in for a surprise.

Two Men and a Truck will be on campus on the first floor of the Gallagher Student Center starting at 11 a.m.

Hey, I just write the events. I don’t pretend to know what I’m talking about.

All I know is what I’ve experienced, and last time I met up with two men and a truck, they were offering me delicious candy treats that I would have taken had I not been yelled at by my mother and forcefully taken inside the house as the men screeched away before I could even get any free candy!