Two weeks in a row of Calendar City! I better be careful not make this a habit. It would spoil you six loyal readers. Don’t begin expecting this quality column all the time, though. I can’t stand expectations. I try to avoid them at all costs.

Expectations, in general, just seem like a really bad idea. First of all, you have to think about something other than yourself. That’s my first issue. Why would I go and do such a thing?

Secondly, you have to think about what you want from someone or something else. With all that time spent thinking, you lose a lot of time that could have been spent needlessly stealing. Steal first, figure later. That’s my motto.

Thirdly, any good reasoning should have three supporting statements. This reasoning is poor. If you expected a third good reason just because I typed "thirdly," you have learned nothing and I am satisfied. And a bit confused. And slightly flabbergasted. And other adjectives.

The International Coffee Hour at 3:30 p.m. today in second floor of the Gallagher Student Center will feature Nepal. I hope they bring some Yogis for everyone’s spiritual enlightenment.

Just to stay festive, they should also bring in Yogi Bear to entertain. If he says "No," I want his family hunted and prepared as my delicious dinner feast. I will not be snubbed by a cartoon. Not since ‘Nam...

I want to learn to play the accordian. Does anyone know a good accordian teacher? Come to think of it, I know a good accordian teacher. His name is Jeff. I should call him up and ask him for accordian lessons. Huh. Funny how things work out.

Tonight is opening night for Xavier Player’s show "How I Learned to Drive." The show is in the Gallagher Student Center Studio Theater and begins at 7:30. Seatbelts are required. Real belts are optional for fatties.

There will also be a poetry reading by Zach Barocas at 7:30 p.m. in the Hinkle Hall faculty lounge tonight.

There are a lot of good reasons to enjoy St. Patrick’s Day. Some people love to flaunt their Irish heritage. Others realize how great green looks on them, and take advantage of being able to wear it all day.

Still others enjoy the raucous celebrations that always accompany the celebration. It’s a time for relaxing and enjoying good friends, food, and family.

There is one particular St. Patrick’s Day custom that needs to go away. That custom is the pinching of people who aren’t wearing green. It’s creepy and immature.

These are harsh words coming from a girl whose best friend is a talking hamster named Sharpy who’s been dead 16 ears.

I’m simply asking you kindly, for my sake and the sake of the hamster corpse I carry around with me, please don’t pinch me if I forget to put on a some green on Friday.

Everybody knows I can only wear clothes that match Sharpy, and it is difficult to find green ensembles that are small enough to fit him.

"How I Learned to Drive" is playing again tonight at the same time and same place as yesterday. They need an audience, people. This show isn’t just going to entertain itself. Work with me here. Places! Places, Everybody! Okay, we’ve got lights, sound, and visual cues. Action!

There is a Trivia Contest today in the Gallagher Student Center sponsored by RSA. I don’t know much about a lotta things, but I do know what Momma always says. Momma always says life is like a box of chocolates. You never know how fat you can get.

Two fatty jokes in the same week. Man, you can tell I’m hungry. Aren’t you glad I shared? I’ll bet it made you think about how little you’ve eaten today and how you could really go for some chicken right now, but there’s none around. So you’re checking out your neighbor’s delectable thigh. It looks close enough. Add a dash of salt and...yummy, cannibalism.

Tonight is the last night you can catch "How I Learned to Drive" in the Gallagher Student Center Studio Theater at 7:30 p.m. I even repeated the place and time because you should go see it. From what I hear, it’s pretty serious but at least there’s a lot of skin!

Besides, going to the theater is great for friendships. You can say, "We are bonding. HA! We are laughing now! We are friends."

There will be a Commencement Countdown at noon at the Cintas Center Concourse. It’s kind of like the New Year’s countdown at Times Square, only with a lot more drunkeness.

Today is both Act Happy Day and Proposal Day. To celebrate, I will be going around proposing to random people on campus, and acting happy when they reject me, laugh, and possibly pee in my face. I suggest you try the same. Together, we’ll start a revolution.

Today is Spike Lee’s 49th birthday. I can’t wait until he gets rid of that silly willy restraining order and let’s me back into his life. Come on, Spikeyboo. Don’t be like this.

Today is Memory day and I’d like you all to take a trip down memory lane with me. The name of our Memory Stop is Fabio.

What a fantastically studly, yet eerily feminine man. With his long, lucious, luxurious locks flowing in the breeze, he provided a small glance into what heaven may be like.

He was so tough he even survived a Satan-worshipping bird that attacked him in the face while riding a roller coaster a few years back.