That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. After a brief hiatus, Calendar City returns this issue as rambunctious, smelly and bitter as ever.

If you’re mad that the past few weeks didn’t have any Calendar City for your reading enjoyment, it’s completely understandable. If you’d like to yell at me, personally, I’d be more than happy to get together any time. Just know that I’m trained in hand-to-hand combat, earned a Black Belt in Tae-Kwon-Do and I dabble in bareknuckle boxing in my free time. Also, my dad’s in the Russian mafia. Call me!

That said, let’s get to where the getting gets going! In case you’re one of those unfortunate groups whose lottery number was above 100 and you were closed out of housing for next year, there’s help on the way.

There will be a Housing Fair in the Gallagher Student Center from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. You’ll get to compare the advantages of living in a cardboard box on Cleneay Avenue versus an abandoned shack on Dana Avenue.

"Women at the Crossroads," a discussion of women in corporate America, will take place today at 11:30 a.m. in Cintas Conference Rooms 4 and 5.

I’ll only go if every time the word "crossroads" is mentioned, everyone becomes silent while the Bone Thugs N Harmony song is played. It’ll be like Pee-Wee Herman’s "Secret Word," only with more street credibility.

Just make sure you don’t miss the PEP talk at 11:30 a.m. in Gallagher room 310, because that’ll make me angry and you won’t like me when I’m angry. I’ll shove your panic right back up your--

Here’s something! There will be a talk about immigration reform starting at 4 p.m. tonight in the Gallagher Student Center Theater.

How about some Midwestern playing card fun that doesn’t involve barely legal uses of barnyard animals? What on earth could I possibly be talking about? Why, Euchre, of course! There will be a Euchre tournament at 7 p.m. tonight in the Commons.

If you missed it on Wednesday, there will be another Housing Fair from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. in Gallagher. That’s about it for what’s happening on campus.

Riddle me this, America. How is it that we know Osama Bin Laden’s birthday is today, yet we can’t find any trace of him? Is that conspiracy I smell? Probably not. Mostly because I haven’t been able to smell anything in four days.

I’m not sure I should even open this Pandora’s Box...but today is another very famous birthday. Today, Chuck Norris celebrates 66 years of gracing our planet with his presence.

The man/god with tons of websites dedicated to his accomplishments, became most famous for the moving series, "Walker, Texas Ranger."

Why don’t we just send Chuck Norris out to catch his birthday buddy Bin Laden?

Norris could blow his Terrorist Whistle, sending off a pitch that can only be heard on terrorist levels but is so unbearable that they have to come running out of the holes they’re hiding in long enough to be arrested.

The best part of the Terrorist Whistle is the whole time the terrorists are running around like crazy, there’s Benny Hill music playing in the background, making for an all-around entertaining experience.

At 8:30 a.m., a time that only exists in legends, there will be a Salary Negotiation Career Workshop in Hailstones Hall room 2. You’ll receive many Do’s and Dont’s.

For example, don’t laugh in your employer’s face when they talk about salaries, saying, "Wait, wait, wait, wait...You’re going to PAY ME?! For this crap?!" I learned that was a bad idea the hard way.

The XU High School Choral Festival will take place today. The concert will begin at 7:30 p.m. in Bellarmine Chapel for free. So put on your bestest Sunday dress, shine up your shoes, and gallop on over to that there Chapel for a mighty fine evenin’ of music.

At the O’Connor pool tonight at 7 p.m., the movie "Jaws" will be shown with flotation devices provided.

You should especially go if you’ve got a prospective student visiting you for Club X this weekend. If they’re not scared by the end of the "Jaws" experience, take them to an alley in downtown Cincinnati and just leave them there for a couple hours. That’ll teach ‘em.

There will be an awards celebration for the business plan and elevator pitch competition in the Schiff Conference Center at 12:30 p.m. today.

I’ll be standing outside the Conference Center in a gaudy dress, interviewing people walking into the ceremony and making snide comments about them as they walk away. Afterwards, I’ll have my 635th plastic surgery.

If only the PEP talk were before this embarrassing debacle, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. Alas, the PEP talk is at 1:30 p.m. in Gallagher room 310.

The Faux Frenchman, a Cincinnati-based jazz band, will be performing tonight from 6 p.m. until 7:30 p.m. in the cafeteria. If you don’t have a meal plan, the first 35 people get a free meal.

Southern/New Orleans style cooking is on the menu for the evening. Personally, I’ll feel bad eating all the food that was taken from the hands of starving people in New Orleans, but if it’s a decent price, I’m not one to complain.