I’ve got a bone to pick with you, citizens of Cincinnati. You need to learn a serious lesson, and I don’t know how to say it nicely, so I’ll just be straight with you.

When you drive through this city, stop pretending like you’ve got somewhere important to be. You don’t. You’re in the middle of Cincinnati.

Why must you all drive so quickly? Where could you be possibly going that requires slamming down on the gas? Are you headed to Skyline, PRC, or Graeters in such a hurry?

Is it really necessary to pummel down the innocent pedestrians trying to cross Dana Avenue to get to their classes on time? Are you really so busy and important that you can’t afford to lose the 30 seconds it would take to stop and allow the students a safe journey?

The simple answer is no. You’re not that important. So please, slow your metal death traps down.

At 3:30 p.m. this afternoon is the International Coffee Hour in Alter Hall B-12. It’s a different location than usual, but it does not require use of your automotive driving device. Walk there, lazy punk.

Speaking of lazy punks, there will be a Peace Corps Presentation at 6 p.m. tonight in Gallagher Student Center, room 330.

Two year minimum of nothing but helping people? No, thank you. I’d rather drive aggressively around this city and see how many students I can maim.

The movie, "Through the Door of No Return" will be presented at 7 p.m. by G.O.A.L. tonight the first floor of the Commons.

If you refuse to check out doors that don’t have at least a 30-day return policy, you should go listen to Dr. Clifton H. Johnson, the founder of the Amistad Research Center, at 7:30 p.m. in Kelley Auditorium.

After all that stimulating use of your brain, you should do something for your stomach. I’m talking about a Late Night Snack in the Gallagher Student Center Food Court at 10 p.m., featuring Buskens Bakery. Elastic pants suggested, but no pants required.

It’s super competition Friday! Today is filled with opportunities to prove yourself once and for all. To be honest, there are only two real club-sponsored competitions.

But, that doesn’t mean we can’t make up a bunch of fake stuff and pretend like it’s real! After all, we’ve been doing it all year, it’d be a shame to stop now!

Let’s hear it for punctuated enthusiasm!

At 6 p.m. tonight in the Cohen Center, the Department of Art Faculty Exhibition will be having its Closing Reception. This isn’t technically a competition, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have competitive potential.

You could go dressed as your favorite type of art, like a nude sculpture or something. Just walk around screaming, "HA! Your art sucks, I win!" in the faces of everyone at the event. They’ll be so embarassed.

The next competition is Worldquest: an International Trivia Competition at 6:30 p.m. in Banquet Room 2 in the Cintas Center. It’s kind of a big deal. People know about it.

The last competition of the day will be the ultimate Battle of the Sexes, sponsored by the Navigators. This battle of epic proportions will take place at 8 p.m. in Albers Hall room 103.

Win or lose, women will retain ultimate nagging rights for the rest of the year. In a way, everybody loses.

After that extremely competitive end to the week, it’s probably time to relax and chat with Mr. President. The President of Xavier University, Fr. Michael Graham, S.J., that is.

A Day with the President will be taking place starting at 8:30 a.m. in the Conaton Board Room. They’ll probably be serving graham crackers, teddy grahams, old Grammys, Mike & Ikes, and several other delicious puns.

Today is "Be Electrified Day" and "Satisfied with Staying Single Day." It seems like an odd pairing. Unless, of course, you electrify someone else’s significant other, thus making them single. Then they work together beautifully.

If you want to enjoy good old Italian dining, you should tour Italy today. In case you don’t want to wake up too early to catch a plane, you still have options. Check out the Tour of Italy Italian Feast in Husman to support the Navigators Relay for Life team. Look into this event on the portal for more information, or just wander around Husman asking random people for spaghetti. Whatever works.

"Making the Most of a Career Fair" program will take place at 1:30 p.m. today in room 330 of the Gallagher Student Center.

It sounds like it would be especially helpful for seniors, but if little freshmen want to tag along, that’s fine, too. Maybe you can even get your face painted at the "Welcome to the Real World, You’re Screwed" booth, or get some candy from the "You Wasted All Your Money on Frivolities" table.

Make sure, though, you don’t run into a cousin/sister/midget you cheated on with your mother/grandfather/parrot. It’s Jerry Springer’s birthday and he’ll be on the lookout for any story that takes away from the fact that he’s a 62-year-old man still hosting a trashy TV show.

Careful, Springer. Maury Povich is working hard to win the Most Wrinkly Man on Crappy Daytime TV award. Plus, he’s married to Connie Chung. Watch yourself.