Don’t you hate it when your food gets stuck in the vending machine and you have to kick the machine to get it out? And as you’re kicking the machine you realize you’re like a fat kid reaching for the tub of icing? What you’re about to eat is filled with sugar and empty calories, but dag-nab-it, you already paid your money and you want it badly.

What do you want from me, food? Huh? You’re just up there dangling all pretty and packaged and ready to eat. Do you want me to buy you, food? Is that what you want? Just tell me what you want from me!

And that, folks, is what really grinds my gears.

I think I’ll cool down at 3:30 p.m. on the second floor of the Gallagher Student Center at the International Coffee Hour featuring Kenya. Kenya sounds delicious.

John Pepper, a "Hero of Professional Ethics," will be giving a talk at the Cintas Center Banquet Hall tonight at 7 p.m.

You can go back to your crappy disguises, heroes of the world. Nobody knows your secret.

Unless your secret is a secret crush! In which case, the world is about to find out at the Alternative Break Date Auction tonight at 7:30 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center Food Court.

Come see people legally buy the right to another’s company while the university looks on approvingly! The money goes to support Alternative Break trips.

It’s a well-known fact that today is Groundhog Day. Little known, however, is the fact that it is also Hedgehog Day.

Rivalry between groundhogs and hedgehogs began as far back as recorded history and continues today. Groundhogs may seem to have won with their Groundhog Day traditions, but hedgehogs have been much more sly in their fighting style.

They bought out a pencil factory where they torture and shave rebellious groundhogs. Then, they use their fur for pencil lead, which they call No. 2, as an embarassing reminder to the groundhogs that they’ll never be No. 1.

Today’s events will be set up in Scavenger Hunt format. If anyone can make it to all of them, then provide me with proof that they were there, I will provide a prize.

That prize will likely be me making fun of you for not only taking this column literally, but actually believing I’d be generous enough to give you something.

With that said, are you ready, team? Go!

First off, swing by the Evaluating a Job Offer Seminar at 1:30 p.m. in Gallagher Student Center room 214. My guess is they’ll probably tell you, "Just say yes!" but that’s likely why I have debt issues.

OK, now go to Family Night at 5 p.m. in the Duff Banquet Center in the Cintas Center. I hope Duffman makes a guest appearance.

It’s time to actually go to T.G.I. Friday’s. I hope you enjoyed last week’s meal at Fridays, but unfortuanately, it didn’t help out Alternative Breaks at all. Tonight does, though, so grab your coupons and go get some charitable food!

At 8 p.m., the annual Mr. Muskie pageant will take place in the Gallagher Student Center Theater. Hunky men treated as pieces of meat? Sounds like something I was born to attend.

Finally, go get horrified watching "Amityville Horror ‘05" in the Gallagher Student Center Theater at 11 p.m.

Man, I’m starting to spoil you with so many options for things to do. I miss Saturdays spent gazing at my ceiling from my bed, eating kettle corn, and realizing there was absolutely no need to get up.

Today is not one of those days. At 8 a.m., meet at the University of Cincinnati’s Student Center for the Crosstown Helpout. Come on, now. They go to the University of Cincinnati. They’re going to need all the help they can get.

If you can’t make it, you can at least learn about Iraq with a Day of Dialogue on Iraq. The event begins at 9:30 a.m. in Kelly Auditorium.

Then, go eat at T.G.I. Friday’s, yet again, with another coupon.

At 5:30 p.m. tonight in the Clocktower Lounge, there will be a Hunger Banquet sponsored by the people traveling to Ukraine for Alternative Breaks. The cost is $3. If you’re one of those bandwagon, smelly, bucktoothed Steelers or Seahawks fans, the banquet will be done in time for the big "game." I’m not at all bitter about the Steelers being Superbowl XL. Not one cursing-freaking-ridiculous bit.

Professor William Anyonge will be giving a lecture with a really long title that has to do with biology in Albers Hall room 107 at 1:30 p.m.

If you liked the lecture, tell him afterwards! It is Pay a Compliment Day. Therefore, if you give him a compliment, he’ll be forced to pay you for it. If he doesn’t know the rules, that’s his problem. You do not let him out of your sight until he has paid full price (approximately $6,000) for your heartfelt compliment.

There will be a PEP talk in Gallagher Student Center room 310 at 1:30 today. I hope birthday boy Bob Marley attends. He always spruces up the party.

I hope other birthday boy Babe Ruth stays away. He would be celebrating his 111th birthday, and we all know how crabby, smelly, and jaundice-filled people become after their 106th birthday. I’ll stick to the candy bar, Mr. Ruth.

Tonight at 7 p.m. in the Schiff Family Conference Center, the Vision of Hope Series will present a talk on Nonviolence with Sr. Alice Gerdeman and Deborah Jordan.