Bad idea: Puncturing your spleen. Sure, the name of the organ sounds funny enough, but hurting this guy is no laughing matter.

The spleen deals with keeping your lymphatic system healthy. As long as your lymphatic system is healthy, it can fight off your nymphatic system.

Your nymphatic system is the bodily function that makes you think you’re a beautiful Greek diety that needs to bathe naked in forest water. Though not fatal, if the nymphatic system remains unchecked, it can cause a great deal of social embarrassment and isolation.

Therefore, it is important to keep your spleen healthy with a proper diet and exercise. The spleen loves vanilla wafers and a nice bellydancing routine. Then again, who doesn’t?

The men’s basketball team will be playing Temple at 5:30 p.m. tonight in Philadelphia.

If you happen to be on the east coast tonight, grab a cheesesteak, scoff at a tourist, yell obnoxiously at an obviously incompetent taxi driver, and head on over to see the game.

If you’re not in the area, go back to being the dull, slow, midwestern hick you must be because you’re not from the east coast.

At 7:30 p.m. tonight in the Schiff Family Conference Center, a lecture entitled "John Paul II and Benedict XVI: The Papacy in the New Era of Jewish-Catholic Relations" will be presented.

Today is National Peanut Brittle Day, which can only mean one thing. At the PEP talk at 11:30 a.m. in Gallagher room 310, there had better be free peanut brittle.

I say we go on strike for more supply of free peanut brittle across campus. Anyone who tries to stop us will get a punctured spleen, so beware.

In case the PEP talk’s peanut brittle selection disappointed you, you could check out what the South Asian Society has to offer.

Today in Albers Hall, room 103 at 8 p.m., is the club’s first general meeting. They’ll be providing snacks and showing the movie "Bend It Like Beckham."

Happy birthday, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart!

I remember when you were just a wee little lad, causing trouble with all the other boys in the village. Those were the days.

If you’re as excited about Mozart’s birthday as I am, you should most definiately go to the Long Recital Hall in Edgecliff Hall at noon. There will be a 250th birthday music recital.

If you foster a fiesty favorability towards eating at T.G.I. Friday’s on Friday because you love alliteration so much, you should give into that temptation today.

Before you go eat though, talk to our local Alternative Breaks representative and recieve a voucher that allows the money to go towards Alternative Break fundraising. The voucher allows part of the proceeds to go directly to Alternative Break.

Now, you can order tons of food and a huge dessert free from calories! Everybody knows when you’re eating food for a charity, it’s calorie free. It’s science.

At 7 p.m. tonight on channel 18, "The Muskie," Xavier’s own television station, will premiere. There will be a kickoff celebration in Ryan’s Pub.

From 8:30 p.m. until 3 a.m. tonight, there is a SAC-sponsored ski trip to Perfect North. If you’ve got your ticket, the buses leave from Buenger Circle at 8:30 p.m.

"The Muskie" premiere will repeat tonight at 7 p.m. in case you missed it on Friday.

The final round of the "Last Muskie Standing" stand-up comedy competition starts at 8 p.m. tonight in the Gallagher Student Center theater.

Afterwards, there will be a fight to the death between the Musketeers and the muskellunge, a large pike fish, to determine once and for all who has the right to the nickname "Muskie."

Even though it is Saturday and not quite as cute sounding, you can still eat at T.G.I. Friday’s today with a voucher to support Alternative Breaks.

Today is Freethinker’s Day. Therefore, I am going to send you a free thought through my psychic powers as you read this column. Ready? [Pause.] You’re welcome.

At 2:30 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center theater, there will be a classical pianist performance. I hear classical pianists aren’t made of flesh, but of Q-tips and carbonation. I guess we’ll never know the truth.

Today in 1933, Hitler was named Chancellor of Germany. In 1941, Dick Cheney was born. In 1948, Gandhi was assasinated. What a sad day throughout history.

Maybe a familiar PEP talk will put you in a better mood on this tragic day. Try it out at 1:30 p.m. in Gallagher room 310.

If PEP talks aren’t your thing, why not try out an Interview Workshop at 1:30 p.m. in Gallagher room 330.

If you’re still feeling unsatisfied, try playing with some Bubble Wrap. After all, it’s Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.

What is it about Bubble Wrap anyway? It can’t fight back and doesn’t need to be popped. In fact, it functions better when left unpopped. Yet it is so mindlessly addicting to pop, we just keep on doing it, convinced it’s the only solution. You’re a sly one, newborn baby Cheney.

The first floor of the Gallagher Student Center will be hosting a special and unique jewelry sale, so head over sometime today to check it out.

The South Asian Society will be hosting an interfaith dialogue in the Clocktower Lounge at 8 p.m.