Beleive it or not, Germany has produced yet another unconventionally scary man. Armen Meiwes admittedly killed a willing victim to see what he tasted like.

He didn’t mean to kill him, of course. They started by just chopping off a significant portion of the "willing" man, and both tried eating it. But they couldn’t. Imagine that.

When the blood loss became uncontrollable, Meiwes started to pray. Since he didn’t see immediate results from his prayer, and we all know immediate results are so often associated with prayer, he logically decided the man was dead and slit his throat with a knife.

He then ate the body. I’m sure the heartfelt tears in his eyes, though, added a little too much salt to really make the experience pleasant.

Poor guy.

It was only later when reviewing the videotape, and realizing that the man’s body was still breathing when the knife went into his throat, that Armen expressed any remorse.

Psychopath cannibal Armen Meiwes would never win the Mr. Muskie competition...but you could! Completed applications are due today.

Today is Women’s Healthy Weight day. I think a healthy weight for women, unless they’re really tall, is approximately 250 delicious pounds. Mmmmmm.

There will be a PEP talk at 11:30 a.m. in room 310 of the Gallagher Student Center. Only go if you’re "willing."

I think 197th birthday boy Edgar Allan Poe would appreciate all the dark and creepy undertones of this week’s columns. I’ll be sure and ask him during next Wednesday’s séance.

Tonight at 11 p.m., the movie "Jarhead" will be playing in the Gallagher Student Center Theater. Lots of blood, check it out!

Another fantasy filled Friday at Xavier University. For those of you straight ballas with shot callas, the Atlantic 10 Shootout preliminary competition will be held tonight at O’Connor Sports Center at 7 p.m.

You need a ballin’ partner and to register online on the Atlantic 10 website. Google it. You’ll want to register online because the Grand Prize is $10,000. That’s a lot of money for mere mortals.

In case money and basketball aren’t really your style, you Europe-loving hippie, why not try out the Near Naked Mile?

Don’t act like you like to wear clothing. I know the truth. This event, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like, will also be held at 7 p.m. tonight.

If physical activity isn’t your style, swing by the first night of Voices for Change, a show produced by the Xavier Players. It begins at 7:30 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center Theater.

Afterward, I’ll be inviting you to my apartment for a warm meal. No skinny runners or strong basketball players allowed. I’m not into lean meat.

Creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy. I’m even creeping myself out at this point. I promise I’ll stop those cannibal jokes now. Ew.

If you missed it last night, go see "Jarhead" tonight. Otherwise, "Jarhead" will come see you.

If you really want to see Voices for Change or "Jarhead," both will be playing at the same times and locations that they were yesterday, so you’re in luck.

Now that we’ve got that settled, I don’t want to hear another even moderate complaint outta you. Understand what I’m trying to say? I hope so. What’s that? This is a one-sided column and you can’t talk back even if you wanted to?

Well, then. No hugs for you. And it’s National Hugging Day. It’s also Squirrel Appreciation Day. To honor it, drive around wooded areas for long periods of time to see how many of those annoying, furry brats you can get. Just a suggestion.

Today in 1901, after a 63-year reign, Queen Victoria died. In 1905, Russia would experience a massacre later known as "Bloody Sunday." Appropriately, today is also Celebration of Life Day.

The Blue Wisp Band will be playing sweet swing music in the Gallagher Student Center at 3 p.m. this afternoon. Just another chance to see people struggle to cling onto their consciousness.

In 1849, the first woman gained her Medical Doctorate. Now, it was only a matter of time before the poignant series, "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman," would come to life.

At 7 p.m. tonight in the Studio Theater, there will be auditions for Toolbox, an improv and sketch comedy group sponsored by Xavier Players. The Studio Theater is a fancy, shmancy way of saying a small black box to the left of the theater in Gallagher.

There is no prior experience necessary, nor anything to prepare for the auditions. And, despite the awful name, it should be a rocking good time.

I bet Jane Seymour did a lot of improvisational and sketch comedy in college. She was way too witty both on and off screen for that to come naturally.

Besides, her wit got her a hunky TV boyfriend, Sully, so what have you ladies got to lose?

If you missed yesterday’s auditions for Toolbox, it’s not too late! More auditions will be held today from 4 to 7 p.m., also in the Studio Theater.

It’s generally saved for recording’s of groups of laughter, gasps, or any other reactiond, which are then sold to big TV companies who can buy it and insert a "Studio Audience" into a mediocre television series, making it seem funnier.