The mummified body of Johannas Pope, a 61-year-old woman who died two-and-a-half years ago, was found today in her chair in front of the television set.

Apparently, she had specifically asked her caregiver not to bury her because she was planning on returning after death. The AC unit in her room was what allowed her body to actually be mummified.

The woman lived here in our lovely city, Cincinnati. Welcome back, everyone.

Just think! As you were driving into town from your home, or even just driving around the city, you could have passed her house! If that cannot be considered appetizing, I don’t know what can.

In case you’re walking by the buildings on campus, gazing into windows wondering longingly what may be going on today, I can help you out.

Joseph Wronka will be delivering a public lecture on "Basic Economic Rights" from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. in the Schiff Family Conference Center.

If you see anything such as people talking, smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves, etc., on campus, notify the proper authorities immediately. They’re up to no good.

In 1927, Charlie Chaplin’s estate worth $16 million was frozen by his second wife when she sued for divorce.

There’s really no reason for that information, except it goes along with the earlier frozen hilarity.

OmG, gUrL, Get ThIs: NiCk aNd JeSSicA ArE sElliNg tHeir HoUsE!!! OMG!!! It’z LiKe OffIcIaLly oVer!!! OMG!!! I cOuLd CrY, buT iT wOuLd RuiN mY sIx pOUndz oF MakEup!!! OMG!!!

I wonder why more people don’t utilize the cleverness of alternating between capital and lowercase letters. It just looks so professional and mature.

This afternoon from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center the annual Martin Luther King Jr. celebration will take place.

You know, it’s truly the simple things in life that can bring profound joy and happiness. Like an antelope galloping across the plain. A woman being left to mummify in the privacy of her own home. And, of course, the first Friday at school after a long break.

Today is International Skeptics day, but I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions on exactly what that might mean.

After all, there could be many different definitions and explanations for the origins of this particular day.

If this column does not, or has never made you laugh, it is not my fault. Today is Blame Someone Else day, so I blame Melissa Joan Hart.

Until she gives me one good reason not to, I blame her from now on for every unfunny thing in this world.

Maybe Mentalist Alain Nu can give more insight into my pent up aggressions for the teenage witch portrayer. Or maybe he’ll just provide quality entertainment. Either way, check him out at 9 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center Theater for free.

Today is the final day to apply to graduate for all you seniors who want to reap some ceremonial benefit for four to six years of hard work. Be sure to apply before this deadline, otherwise, you’ll have to pay $50 extra, and we all know $50 can pay for many important needs.

I would buy a titanium glove and slap Melissa Joan Hart in the face.

Today is Penguin Awareness Day. Did you know penguins go through annual fasting periods, but before doing so they build up a layer of fat for energy? [Insert "The More You Know" rainbow logo and theme song here.]

Tonight in the Gallagher Student Center Atrium, comedian Michael Dean Ester will be performing at 8 p.m.

The "comedian" Pauley Shore will be performing at the same time in the GSC Ventricle.

I think that joke really got to the heart of the matter. [Silence] That, ladies and gentlemen, was a heart joke. [Cough] Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean.

For all you early birds, at 12:30 p.m. today in Bellarmine Chapel, Christopher Fellerhoff will be giving a lecture called "Sanctuary Extended: Elements of the Orthodox Churchyard in Highland Ethiopia."

In case you will be swinging by Bellarmine, make sure to take the time to pray for your favorite NFL team. Because when it comes to professional sports, God cares.

Today is both Appreciate A Dragon Day and Religious Freedom Day. I think you see where I’m going with this.

Dragon-filled Dance Dance Revolution Party. Last time I tried to have a plain Dragon Dance Party without DDR, Janet Reno style, things got ugly quickly.

Janet Reno was involved; what do you expect?

In 1953, the Corvette was introduced to the American market.

In 2003, my parents would think of the cruel and clever joke of telling me they had gotten me a Corvette, when in actuality it was a small toy car.

In 2033, I forcefully sent them to a mediocre nursing home and rarely visited. That should teach them to toy with my emotions.

There are a lot of famous people celebrating birthdays today. But don’t take my word for it! [Insert Reading Rainbow Music here.]

Maury Povich, a man very dear to my heart, is 67 today. He has helped immensely in narrowing down the field of possible baby daddies. Thank you, Maury.

Four-hundred fifty eight paternal tests later, I think I finally know who the father may be. I can’t wait to see you again for another exciting show.