There is not enough utilization of a tried and true method of communication on this campus. Sure, people are constantly talking on their cell phones to their "friends" or "family," but we overlook something better.

I think you know what I’m talking about. That’s right, the Tin Can Phone. Ingredients: two people, two tin cans, one string, and a lot of love.

There are so many benefits that the thought of listing them all is overwhelming. First of all, the materials are cheap and easy. If I’ve learned anything from my time on the street corner with my generous employer, Mr. Devious B. Valentine, people like cheap and easy.

Also, you have to keep the string stretched out so that if you’re walking down the Academic Mall and see somebody you really don’t like, you can just trip them in the name of communication.

Don’t trip people on their way to the Graduation Coffee Hour in the Clocktower Lounge of the Gallagher Student Center at 3:30, though. These people are about to enter the real world. That will bring plenty of pain soon enough, so let them be.

But if you see Aaron Carter on campus, don’t hesitate to trip him with your tin can phone wire, even though today is his 18th birthday.

It’s Aaron Carter! He’s the Ashlee Simpson of male pop culture and as such deserves whatever humiliation we can bring to him.

An Evanston XCEL Bonanza will be taking place in the Gallagher Student Center room 214 at 6:00 p.m. I’m not sure what that means, but if there’s an X in the title, it must be invigorating.

There will be a Late Night Snack tonight in the Gallagher Student Center Food Court at 10:00 p.m. that will be featuring delicious Chipotle burritos.

Did I say delicious? I meant poisoned. They will be arsenic-filled death traps. Delicious, juicy, tasty, delectible, wonderful death traps. I highly suggest you stay away and let those of us with anti-poison pills take care of these burritos for you.

Speaking of eating ridiculous amounts of food, today is Teri Hatcher and Kim Basinger’s birthday! I’ll bet they’ll be celebrating with lots of junk food, sugary drinks, and desserts.

It’s Independence Day in Tanzania! Today commemorates the first time Tanzania was recognized as different from the fictional "Tazmania," popularized by that beloved cartoon Tazmanian Devil, Taz.

To celebrate their individuality, the Tanzanias spin in circles really quickly, chanting, "Come to Tanzania," with catchy background music.

The Xavier University Singers will be producing their own catchy background music, "Moulin New York," at 7:30 p.m. in the Gallagher Student Center Theater.

Dictionary.com defines moulin as, "A nearly vertical shaft or cavity worn in a glacier by surface or rock debris falling through a crack in the ice." In with New York?! XU Singers have outdone themselves yet again!

At 7:00 p.m., there will be a Black Student Association Holiday Extravaganza in the Clocktower Lounge.

I don’t know how anything could be more extravagant than a Dictionary.com definition of a moulin, but it’s worth a shot.

There are two lines left in this column. Now there aren’t.

Tonight at 7:00 p.m. is the annual Madrigal Dinner in the Conaton Board Room.

Though this year’s dinner is already sold out, worry not. There are other options.

For instance, I will be having my own Madrigal Dinner in my room, also at 7:00 p.m. All my favorite stuffed animals from Alf to Zelda will be there! It’ll be just like our daily tea parties, but not as creepy or pathetic. Right?

The singers will be performing their tantalizing show again tonight at the same time and place.

Of course you don’t have to go! You could be just like me and my stuffed playmates and stay in your room tonight giggling in girlish bliss, but that’s your choice.

Tonight at 7:30 p.m., there will be a study break opportunity called "Games Night" in the Gallagher Student Center room 214. Snacks will be provided by the Math Club, and featured games will include Uno, Masterpiece, and Cloud 9.

An excuse to spend the evening with the Math Club? I’m already on Cloud 9, baby.

The glorious Frank Sinatra would be celebrating his 90th birthday today, if he were still alive. Bob Barker would be celebrating his 82nd birthday, if he weren’t an embalmed, computerized cyborg.

In 1987, the United States Secretary of State George Shultz advised NATO allies in Europe to sharply increase their defense spending.

Unfortunately, nobody took the message seriously because they were too busy asking about his distant cousin, Charles Shultz, creator of that loveable character Charlie Brown.

And that, children, is why two positive magnets will oppose each other. Any questions?

Alright, finals week! You should be spending all your time studying today, so I will not write about activites going around on campus. You’re welcome.

Also, there’s nothing going on.

In 1925, Dick Van Dyke was born. I think his name so enraged women’s rights groups in America that they fought for the first Susan B. Anthony Dollar, which was eventually produced on this same day in 1978.

Man, history is a lot more fun when you can make it up and pretend like it’s the truth.