April 27, 2005

Pimp My Ride

Nathan Wittman
Op-Ed Editor

As I was hard at work for over five hours in the Gallagher Center this weekend, one fine upstanding member of our community took it upon him/herself to perform some modifications to my vehicle, which was parked on Herald Ave.

Apparently this individual did not think the factory pin-stripe on my car was “pimp” enough, and was kind enough to, free of charge; apply his/her own design.

The fact that the tool used seems to have been a key, or some other sharp instrument, is not the issue that I have with this mobile paint shop operator. Nor was it the fact that I did not solicit his or her services, as it is always nice to get something for free in this world.

No, what really got me is that this person did such a shabby job that, had I paid for this service, I would surely demand a refund. First of all, the line carved into my driver’s side door was completely uneven and crooked. It lacked any semblance of vision on the artist’s part, and screams “amateur.”

Maybe they were going for one of those tribal graphics looks, who knows? If so, they should note that that style went out with the three-foot-tall wings and cherry bomb mufflers popularized by the fine motion picture “The Fast and the Furious.” Moreover, they failed to complete their job, leaving my other three doors and fenders jealous and wont of similar attention.

If there’s anything worth doing, it’s worth doing right, right? That’s how I have always felt, and this miscarriage of car customization is a pure example of what’s wrong with the world today. People simply do not care about their work anymore. Where’s the follow through?

However, this individual seems to have hit on something ingenious that I had not considered.

In terms of his/her business model; doing work anonymously, unexpectedly, and free of charge ensures full artistic license as well as eliminates accountability for a poorly done job.

However, this entrepreneurial individual is in dire need of some consulting to really get this business off the ground. First and foremost, not leaving a business card, or some other form of identifying mark, is a major faux pas.

One of the best ways to secure future business is through referrals or word of mouth advertising. Sadly, I have no way to contact this person for any future modifications on my vehicle or for a surprise birthday present for one of my roommates; a flaming skull carved into my roommate’s Dodge pickup would be sweet!

I now invite this individual to come forward post haste so I can return the free services favor in the form of some business consulting. I’d be more than happy to sit down with you in a poorly lit room and “go over” some of your strengths and weaknesses.

Several of my colleagues here at Newswire seem to think this was not an act of pro-bono exterior design a la MTV’s popular program mentioned in this article’s title, but a willful act of vandalism out of personal rancor.

I find it terribly difficult to believe this, as it is my belief that Xavier’s campus breeds nothing but harmony and bliss. However, if I am too naïve in this assertion, I hope I can be forgiven.

In any case, I hope that there was no malicious intent in this unsolicited alteration of the appearance of my “ride.” If this is the case, then I officially retract my generous offer for counseling and advice and simply say: “Go to Hell, jerk!”