September 17, 2003

'Once Bitten' versus 'Teen Wolf'
ASST. DIVERSIONS EDITOR TONY AND DIVERSIONS EDITOR JIMMY ARGUE WHAT'S BETTER: WEREWOLVES OR VAMPIRES?

Tony SAYS:

I remember back in ’94, I had quite the infatuation with Mr. Jim Carrey. As with many boys and girls around the country, I was entranced by his manic stupidity, his silly putty face, and his posterior- talking ways.

I devoured any piece of cinematic claptrap that Carrey shoveled at me. I rolled around in it, sort of smearing it on my virginal, prepubescent body.

I saw everything I could of his. I sat through the few re-run episodes of “The Duck Factory,” Carrey’s mid-‘80s attempt at a TV career. At the time, I attributed the lack of humor to brain dead television executives, poly/cotton blend pants, and cocaine.

Christmas money firmly in hand, I traveled to my local mini-mall and bought a copy of the Jeff Goldblum/ Geena Davis sci-fi vehicle, “Earth Girls Are Easy.” I watched it more than once, and laughed everytime.

I even borrowed a taped copy of the FOX TV movie “Doing Time on Maple Drive,” from my grandmother. Being so thrilled by the idea of seeing Carrey in a “dramatic” role, I didn’t even bother to ask my grandmother why she had actually taped “Doing Time on Maple Drive.”

But there is nothing which haunts me more than the time I stayed at home in order to view Mr. Carrey’s early comedy, “Once Bitten.”

“Once Bitten,” a forgotten classic, chronicles the adventures of Mark Kendall (played with a wistful gangliness by Carrey) as he, and his virginity, are pursued by the aging, yet surprisingly randy, vampire known simply as “Countess.”

I liked “Once Bitten.”

I was tickled silly by the vampire hijinks that ensued as the “Countess” attempted to seduce Mark so that she could live forever, or whatever.

I can only find one excuse: I had a crush on Carrey. For what other reason could I have enjoyed the melodrama of “Doing Time on Maple Drive,” the staleness of “The Duck Factory,” or the Technicolor furriness of “Earth Girls are Easy?”

I wanted Carrey. Had I known how to have intercourse, I probably would have wanted to have it with Carrey (circa 1994).

But as fate, or genetics, would have it, I stumbled upon the world of cable porn and began to tread down the road of heterosexual lust.

Though, my (un)conscious desire for Carrey has passed, I must say I still own my VHS copy of “Earth Girls are Easy.”

“Underworld” will hopefully settle the timeless debate between vampires and werewolves.

Jimmy SAYS:

Back when Michael J. Fox was putting the shakes on other people, “Teen Wolf” was king.

That wolf had moves, plain and simple. Borrowing a line from Stuart Scott, Fox’s character Scott Howard has “mad squabbles” when he goes hairy. “Boo-yeah.”

With a rather weak set of werewolf or wolfman movies in recent film memory, “Teen Wolf” wins the contest by default.

But “Teen Wolf” was something more to a generation of teenagers growing up in the mid-‘80s. Michael J. Fox — known from here on in as “MJ” — was getting some body hair just like the rest of the adolescents.

That’s precisely what “Teen Wolf” was: a top-notch health video on puberty. It taught us all that it was OK to get chest hair. Don’t shave that fur, comb it!

It taught us other things, too. Got a letterman jacket? Wear it. Got a crush on a smokin’ hottie? Ask her out. Got fur coming out of your ears, three-inch claws, fangs and a badass wolfman haircut? Play basketball.

Yes indeed, the high school scene of the ‘80s is present, just like it was in “The Breakfast Club” and “Sixteen Candles”— except you don’t have to put up with lame Molly Ringwold — although, Judd Nelson was harsh.

Most importantly though, “Teen Wolf” taught short, unathletic white kids how to play basketball. Take it to the rack, never pass it to the fat kid and if you can get rim, you better act like you can dunk.

MJ and his 25-year-old child body give a stellar performance as “The Wolf.” There wasn’t a kid in the whole United States that didn’t want to be a werewolf in high school — body hair and all.

There wasn’t a thing “The Wolf” couldn’t do. He could steal your girlfriend, do cartwheels in the hallway, make the game-winning shot and throw a kegger to end all keggers.

“Teen Wolf” was the inspirational story of a high school boy who made the most of genetic make-up. Some kids have brains, some kids have muscles, but “The Wolf” had it all.

In response to Tony’s “Once Bitten” argument, I can honestly say that I’ve never heard of the movie. It sounds terrible though, and that’s all you have to know. If it’s a contest between vampires and werewolves, werewolves always win.

So when “Underworld,” the new vampires vs. werewolves movie comes out on Friday and you have to choose sides, just remember MJ.